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The Week’s Most Fumbling, Bumbling, and Stumbling Headlines

NORMALIZING PEDOPHILIA
After the Supreme Court normalized gay marriage in June, many predicted that it wouldn’t take long before leftists began slippin’ and slidin’ and slalomin’ down that seedy, slimy slope from homosexuality to pedophilia.

Last Monday, Salon.com”€”the Internet’s premier source for pampered white people to whinge about white privilege”€”ran an article called “I”€™m a pedophile, but not a monster.”

The monster who wrote this, Todd Nickerson, claims he was born without a right hand and “struggled with bladder control” as a child. He also says that when he was around seven, a German tourist he calls “Hans” shoved his hand down little Todd’s pants and fondled his “peepee.”

Todd says as he reached adolescence, he found himself attracted to prepubescent children and has never been able to shake the urge to have sex with them. He insists he has “never touched a child sexually” and that he is not a consumer of child pornography.

But instead of labeling his proclivity as a “perversion,” he frames it as an “Alternate Sexuality,” a “sexual preference,” and one of the cornucopia of “sexual orientations” with which Mother Nature has blessed us. He says he has no choice but to be sexually attracted to children and that the only choice he has is not to act upon his attraction.

He says that after lurking on a decidedly unsavory pro-pedo site, his personal Good Ship Lollipop has found safer refuge docking in the harbors of a website called Virtuous Pedophiles, where Todd and other pedos who say they don’t molest children congregate to discuss their proclivities and why they should never act on them:

I have other pedophiles in my life that I”€™m actually proud to call friends, people I would trust my children with if I had any, knowing they”€™d be safe there….Those individuals who have the courage to come forward and lay claim to this affliction with the understanding that they only want to use their pedo powers for good should be commended, not hated and feared.

Writing in the National Review, Charles C. W. Cooke says that he finds “no evidence whatsoever” that Salon “is making the case that pedophilia is an ‘ingrained identity,’” even though Salon’s copyeditors”€”assuming they have them”€”let such phrases as “sexual preference” and “Alternate Sexuality” fly by unedited. In one of the year’s ghastlier non-sequiturs, Cooke asked, “don”€™t followers of Jesus believe that everybody is born with impulses that lead them toward unacceptable behavior?”

If you don’t believe that within ten years man-boy marriage will be the next civil-rights struggle, you need to get on the right side of history pronto. Ten years after that, Allen Ginsberg‘s face will be carved into Mount Rushmore.

HALLUCINATING NOOSES AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DELAWARE
It’s always a wonderful week when another hate-crime hoax makes the Black Lives Matter movement’s members look like the easily manipulated and woefully innumerate gaggle of buffoons that they are. Our latest delightful hoax involving fake nooses comes from the University of Delaware, located in what is unquestionably America’s most unnecessary state. At least eight students reported to authorities that they saw nooses hanging in trees near a Black Lives Matter demonstration. Without even weighing a micron of evidence, the school’s acting president, Nancy M. Targett, vituperated thusly:

This hateful display stands in stark contrast to Monday night’s peaceful protest and discussion. We condemn this despicable action and ask everyone in our community to stand together against intolerance and hate.

These “nooses” turned out, by gum, only to be the paper remnants of some wacky decorative lanterns from a previous collegiate event. Oh, well. Forget it ever happened. In fact, don’t ever mention it again or you risk being called a racist.

JEWISH WRITER URGES HIS TRIBE TO STOP BEING WHITE
Gil Steinlauf is the senior rabbi”€”which, trust us, carries a lot more perks than are bequeathed to junior rabbis, including first dibs on the hot tub”€”at a synagogue in Washington, DC. In a recent article in the Washington Post, Rabbi Steinlauf encouraged American Jews to quit thinking of themselves as white in favor of fully embracing their Jewish identity.

He says that by trying to pass as white, Jews are now “reaching the top echelons of privilege and power” in America, so now it’s time to remove the mask:

Jews in America struggled for decades to become white. Now we must give up whiteness to fight racism….Starting in this new year of 5776, we must teach our children that we are, in fact, not white, but simply Jewish….The idea that Jews are white is not only ridiculous, it’s offensive to who we really are!

Duly noted. Glad you feel free to be so candid.