The Week’s Most Herky, Jerky, and Buy-That-Frozen-Turkey Headlines FAMIRY FEUD Dog trainers have long abandoned the tradition of smacking misbehaving pups on the schnoz with a rolled-up newspaper, because the state of American print journalism is so foul, it’s plainly sadistic to expose your ...
The Week’s Most Sectioning, Detectioning, and Post-Electioning Headlines ALMOND JOYLESS Kamala Harris should’ve seen the warning signs. When the sequel to the Joaquin Phoenix Joker film bombed, what was that if not proof that the American public was sick and tired of psychopaths with nervous ...
The Week’s Most Embering, Dismembering, and Novembering Headlines OCTOBER SURPRISE? MORE LIKE OCTOBER COW-PIES Americans need a refresher on the concept of “October surprise.” For some bizarre reason, the phrase has come to mean a successful last-minute electorate-influencing reveal. In ...
The Week’s Most Meaty, Peaty, and Trick-or-Treaty Headlines MOAT-TOWN With the L.A. Dodgers in the World Series—and with ticket prices reaching Taylor Swift concert-level expensive—it’s instructive to recall that legendary Dodgers GM Al Campanis was fired in 1987 for claiming that there ...
The Week’s Most Clowny, Frowny, and All-the-Leaves-Are-Browny Headlines NEXT-OF-QUINCEAÑERA Dia de los Muertos came early in Oklahoma City last week, as a shoot-out at a Halloween party at a bargain-basement Mexican “event center” turned one muchacho into a muchach-no-mo’ and put several ...
The Week’s Most Slippery, Zippery, and Yom Kippury Headlines REDUN-DUNCE When it comes to humor, there’s commitment to a bit, and then there’s Tommy Cooper. Cooper was a 6'4" pudgy alcoholic chain-smoking British stand-up comedian with an incredibly mediocre act (he’d pretend to do magic ...
The Week’s Most Conning, Donning, and Rosh Hashaning Headlines BURN SLAVEY BURN! It was a Third Reich in the second degree. Embattled N.C. gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson, a self-proclaimed “black Nazi” who hopes to “bring back slavery” so he can “buy a few,” received ...
The Week’s Iciest, Diciest, and Pumpkin Spiciest Headlines NO RHYME OR REASON How ironic that a dispute between black and white is taking place in Green. Green, Ohio (94 percent white, 1.4 percent black), where two white students asked two girls to the homecoming dance with a rhyming invite ...
The Week’s Most Pluvios Plumber, Grandiose Hummer, and Adios Summer Headlines HEZBOLLOCKS Last week “Hezbollah” became a question. As in, “His ball? Uh...it’s over there,” as the Israelis turned Hezbollah’s pagers into tiny bombs that blew the nads off the wearer. The Jewish ...
The Week’s Most Fleeting, Skeeting, and Hades-Heating Headlines IAMS WHAT IAMS It was a week in which Americans obsessed over the question, “Are Haitians eating cats?” There’s reason to be skeptical of the rumors. First of all, cats clean themselves regularly, and Haitians have an ...
