The Week’s Most Snowing, Blowing, and Ho-Ho-Ho-ing Headlines DEARTH PENALTY Scandinavians have a problem when it comes to crime and punishment. As in, they don’t punish crime. In Sweden, the state cannot prosecute anyone under the age of 15. Not execute but merely prosecute. This is the same ...
The Week’s Most Barreling, Caroling, and Gay-Appareling Headlines OLD MAN RAGING RIVER This post-Thanksgiving story could be subtitled “jive turkey becomes unalive turkey.” When you read the headline “Florida grandpa, 72, killed over loud music dispute with neighbor on Thanksgiving,” ...
The Week’s Most Wrecking, Henpecking, and Hall-Decking Headlines OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKÉ The word is out in L.A.: Don’t drink the water. Because another wacky Asian chick has traveled to the city and gone missing. And based on experience, that means keep those faucets off. In January 2013, ...
The Week’s Most Wobbling, Bobbling, and Gobble-Gobbling Headlines INDIANS SQUAWED... Has anyone ever done an IQ comparison between the Bering Strait nomads who settled the frozen north versus the Injuns who kept moving south hoping to find warmer climes? Because in theory one would expect the ...
The Week’s Most Herky, Jerky, and Buy-That-Frozen-Turkey Headlines FAMIRY FEUD Dog trainers have long abandoned the tradition of smacking misbehaving pups on the schnoz with a rolled-up newspaper, because the state of American print journalism is so foul, it’s plainly sadistic to expose your ...
The Week’s Most Sectioning, Detectioning, and Post-Electioning Headlines ALMOND JOYLESS Kamala Harris should’ve seen the warning signs. When the sequel to the Joaquin Phoenix Joker film bombed, what was that if not proof that the American public was sick and tired of psychopaths with nervous ...
The Week’s Most Embering, Dismembering, and Novembering Headlines OCTOBER SURPRISE? MORE LIKE OCTOBER COW-PIES Americans need a refresher on the concept of “October surprise.” For some bizarre reason, the phrase has come to mean a successful last-minute electorate-influencing reveal. In ...
The Week’s Most Meaty, Peaty, and Trick-or-Treaty Headlines MOAT-TOWN With the L.A. Dodgers in the World Series—and with ticket prices reaching Taylor Swift concert-level expensive—it’s instructive to recall that legendary Dodgers GM Al Campanis was fired in 1987 for claiming that there ...
The Week’s Most Clowny, Frowny, and All-the-Leaves-Are-Browny Headlines NEXT-OF-QUINCEAÑERA Dia de los Muertos came early in Oklahoma City last week, as a shoot-out at a Halloween party at a bargain-basement Mexican “event center” turned one muchacho into a muchach-no-mo’ and put several ...
The Week’s Most Slippery, Zippery, and Yom Kippury Headlines REDUN-DUNCE When it comes to humor, there’s commitment to a bit, and then there’s Tommy Cooper. Cooper was a 6'4" pudgy alcoholic chain-smoking British stand-up comedian with an incredibly mediocre act (he’d pretend to do magic ...
