The Week’s Most Herky, Jerky, and Buy-That-Frozen-Turkey Headlines FAMIRY FEUD Dog trainers have long abandoned the tradition of smacking misbehaving pups on the schnoz with a rolled-up newspaper, because the state of American print journalism is so foul, it’s plainly sadistic to expose your dog to it. Owner: “Bad dog! Bad dog!” (Smacks dog on the nose with a rolled-up L.A. Times.) Dog: “Wait, they publish op-eds from the leader of Hamas but not Trump supporters?” Dog keels over dead. Now this is “next-level inscrutability”: Billionaire Chinaman Patrick Soon-Shiong (Ric ...
The Week’s Most Sectioning, Detectioning, and Post-Electioning Headlines ALMOND JOYLESS Kamala Harris should’ve seen the warning signs. When the sequel to the Joaquin Phoenix Joker film bombed, ...
The Week’s Most Embering, Dismembering, and Novembering Headlines OCTOBER SURPRISE? MORE LIKE OCTOBER COW-PIES Americans need a refresher on the concept of “October surprise.” For some bizarre ...
The Week’s Most Meaty, Peaty, and Trick-or-Treaty Headlines MOAT-TOWN With the L.A. Dodgers in the World Series—and with ticket prices reaching Taylor Swift concert-level ...
The Week’s Most Clowny, Frowny, and All-the-Leaves-Are-Browny Headlines NEXT-OF-QUINCEAÑERA Dia de los Muertos came early in Oklahoma City last week, as a shoot-out at a ...
The Week’s Most Slippery, Zippery, and Yom Kippury Headlines REDUN-DUNCE When it comes to humor, there’s commitment to a bit, and then there’s Tommy Cooper. Cooper was a ...
The Week’s Most Conning, Donning, and Rosh Hashaning Headlines BURN SLAVEY BURN! It was a Third Reich in the second degree. Embattled N.C. gubernatorial candidate Mark ...
The Week’s Iciest, Diciest, and Pumpkin Spiciest Headlines NO RHYME OR REASON How ironic that a dispute between black and white is taking place in Green. Green, Ohio (94 ...
The Week’s Most Pluvios Plumber, Grandiose Hummer, and Adios Summer Headlines HEZBOLLOCKS Last week “Hezbollah” became a question. As in, “His ball? Uh...it’s over ...
The Week’s Most Fleeting, Skeeting, and Hades-Heating Headlines IAMS WHAT IAMS It was a week in which Americans obsessed over the question, “Are Haitians eating ...
The Week’s Most Mirthing, Girthing, and Virgo-Birthing Headlines THE LITERALLY NAKED GUN 2025 will bring a reboot of the Police Squad/Naked Gun movies, starring Liam Neeson in ...
The Week’s Most Neighboring, Taboring, and Day-of-Laboring Headlines HANG LOOSE, BRO “Oh Calcutta?” More like “Oh, He’s Un-Cutta.” Residents of L.A.’s Mid-Wilshire ...
The Week’s Most Straining, Paining, and Summer-Waning Headlines WITCHY? POO! Turns out it didn’t take boycotts, DeSantis, or screaming “groomer” on X to finally snap ...
The Week’s Most Reasoning, Treasoning, and Hurricane-Seasoning Headlines UGH In 2020 a 32-year-old Injun went missing in British Columbia. Sidney Mantee couldn’t be found ...
The Week’s Most Colonial, Demonial, and Closing-Ceremonial Headlines CHIMPS LOSE FACE When chimpanzees attack, they go for the face. And while the story of Travis the ...
The Week’s Most Rustic, Fustic, and Augustic Headlines ROMA WASN’T BILKED IN A DAY Gypsies, tramps, and thieves We’d hear it from the people of the town They’d call us ...
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