Conchita Wurst

The Week’s Most Aimless, Brainless, and Shameless Headlines

A CAVALCADE OF APOLOGIES
Crushed under the increasingly harsh mandates of the Global Church of Human Equality, the world turned into a giant confession booth last week.

First up”€”because they will always stand last in line under this new, unflinching, and unforgiving moral hierarchy”€”are white males. In a short video called “White Guys: We Suck and We’re Sorry,” four gelded omega males mock such irrefutably true notions as the fact that a powerful gay lobby destroys the careers of anyone who dares question the sanctity of same-sex relationships, that the law favors women in custody disputes, and that affirmative action in college-admissions policies discriminates against white males. “We’re horrible people,” shrugs a chubby couch potato at the end. Yes, you are”€”but for entirely different reasons than you might think.

The Gay Mafia applied the screws and forced a confession out of washed-up reality-TV star Porsha Williams for adhering to her Christian faith and trying to save homosexuals. They also brought digital giant Nintendo down on their knees for neglecting to include an option for same-sex relationships in a new video game.

The “transgender” community continues to cannibalize itself, as its self-appointed thought police dragged apologies out of a drag queen who calls himself Alaska Thunderfuck for daring to shoot a video that suggested transsexual thought police are overbearing and joyless. It also squeezed some repentance out of perpetually overweight singer Carnie Wilson for speculating whether disgraced LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s cuckolding sidekick V. Stiviano might possibly be a man.

The witch-hunting of “racists” continues unabated. The mayor of Anchorage, AK was forced to apologize for suggesting that being forced to pay union dues was a form of slavery. MSNBC, which usually spearheads such witch hunts, found itself apologizing for the unpardonable sin of implying that people like to drink on Cinco de Mayo. In Germany, detergent manufacturer Procter & Gamble confessed to the sin of marketing a soccer jersey with the number “88” on it because of its association with Nazism. It was merely an innocent reference to how many loads of laundry a box of their detergent was able to clean, but this flimsy excuse was not enough to clean the stain on the company’s soul.

A Tennessee state senator apologized for likening Obamacare signups to “train rides” for Jews during the Holocaust, and California school superintendent Mohammad Z. Islam apologized “from the bottom of [his] heart” for hosting a “critical-thinking writing assignment” that questioned whether the Holocaust was either a myth or may have been engineered for political gain.

A lone howling voice of sanity in the wilderness came in the unlikely form of black gangsta rapper Scarface, who stated emphatically that LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling didn’t need to apologize for his massively publicized comments about black people.

BRING BACK THOSE NIGERIAN GIRLS, YOU ISLAMIC BULLIES!
The social-media outrage machine’s latest pet cause”€”the kidnapping of nearly 300 Nigerian schoolgirls by Islamic terrorist organization Boko Haram”€”led to full-blown black First Lady Michelle Obama delivering a weekly White House radio address instead of her mulatto husband. “In these girls, Barack and I see our own daughters,” said Ms. Obama, echoing her hubby’s previous statement about how slain wannabe thug Trayvon Martin could have been his son. There appears to be zero evidence that either one of the Obamas has ever seen a white victim of anything as their potential children. Except for this recent kidnapping scandal, Nigeria is usually a shining beacon of progress that should be held in high esteem, seeing as many people there believe that phone calls can kill you, that sorcerers can steal your penis, that thousands of children are witches who need to be tortured, and that automobiles have the magical ability to transform themselves into goats.