Jared Leto

The Week’s Most Contentious, Pretentious, and Sententious Headlines

INTERSECTIONAL SQUABBLING AT THE OSCARS
This year’s Academy Awards ceremony”€”cohosted by Ellen Degeneres, Karl Marx, and Herbert Marcuse”€”was the most aggressively PC such event in history. However, the sharp-fanged Ouroboros that is the “social justice” movement has an insatiable hunger that never seems to prevent it from eating itself alive.

Degeneres”€”a full-time lesbian who is occasionally known to tell jokes”€”was smeared as “transphobic” for suggesting that Liza Minnelli looked like a male Liza Minnelli impersonator.

Matthew McConaughey, who snagged the asexual and genital-free golden statuette for Best Actor, was widely slammed for thanking God in his acceptance speech but failing to make mention of the millions of people who’ve died of AIDS, the millions who are suffering from AIDS, and the untold numbers of mentally twisted bug-chasers who are actively seeking to acquire HIV. A black female activist for the Huffington Post criticized him for theological sexism: “If I had one complaint, it would be that McConaughey referred to God as a he and not a she.” (One suspects that this woman never only has “one complaint.”)

Jared Leto, who won Best Supporting Actor for portraying a tranny, gave a shout-out to AIDS victims but was instead harshly criticized for “offering a rather lengthy and banal tribute to his mother” and not specifically using the word “transgender” in his speech even though his closing statements were obviously directed at that eternally disgruntled and hormonally tortured “community.”

Although the historically inaccurate 12 Years a Slave won the Oscar for Best Picture, the “niggling chant of racism” emerged because its black director did not take home the Best Director prize.

Despite the festivities’ obsessively servile bootlicking of pet minority groups, Maureen Dowd, that dowdy hag from The New York Times, bitched that “Oscar voters and industry top brass are still overwhelmingly white, male and middle-aged.” Two nonwhite writers for Al-Jazeera likewise whined about the Oscars’ “overwhelming whiteness” and complained that “The US film industry is still controlled by older white men.” None of these writers mentioned Jews because apparently none of them understands simple mathematical concepts such as gross statistical overrepresentation.

CRIMEA AND PUNISHMENT
The geopolitical chess match involving Ukraine has devolved into a game of Dueling Hitlers, with each side accusing the other of supporting fascism. While boldly denying that she was making a comparison, Hillary Clinton compared Putin’s moves in Crimea to those of Hitler. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said he refused to negotiate with the “radical nationalists” who’ve seized power in Kiev. And while Barack Obama has proposed economic sanctions against Russia for its actions in Crimea, Sergey Lavrov said such a move could “boomerang” against the US, presumably in the form of halting deliveries of Russian natural gas to Ukraine and points westward.

PRESERVATIVE HERETICAL INACTION CONFLUENCE 2014
Rand Paul convincingly won the presidential straw poll at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, besting other potential candidates such as Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, that grinning thumbs-up meathead Rick Perry, and the immigration sellout Marco Rubio. At various points during the festivities, Rand Paul quoted Pink Floyd, Mitch McConnell brandished a rifle onstage to the sounds of Bon Jovi, and designated Uncle Tom Elroy Sailor said that “Abortion has been worse on the African-American community than the slave trade or Jim Crow.” (Little-known historical fact: Jim Crow had a more moderate brother named Jeff Crow who only agitated for segregated movie theaters.)

THE NOOSE TIGHTENS ON BITCOIN
The digital currency known as bitcoin was recently derided as a method of exchange created “By the Privileged, For the Privileged” by a writer for Think Progress. This is transcendently galling, seeing as currency-manipulating billionaire George Soros bankrolls that site.

Autumn Radtke, CEO of a bitcoin exchange, was recently found dead under suspicious circumstances in Singapore”€”possibly a suicide, possibly not.

Tokyo-based bitcoin exchange Mt. Gox has imploded after it was apparently hacked.

Newsweek re-launched its print version last week with a cover story claiming to have fingered 64-year-old Dorian Satoshi Nakamoto as the inventor of bitcoin, a charge that Nakamoto denied before being chased in cars by reporters through LA streets.

Following in the footsteps of nations that have either banned or restricted bitcoin, last week West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin asked the US government to ban it altogether. In a letter to the Treasury Department and Federal Reserve, Manchin mistakenly referred to the European Union as a country.