The Week’s Most Sectarian, Contrarian, and Barbarian Headlines

GORILLA LIVES MATTER
America in 2016 is a place where male gorillas who are trapped living in urban areas can be shot dead in cold blood, yet all anyone seems to care about is whether some black people had their feelings hurt.

Such was the cruel fate of the mighty and noble Harambe, a 400-pound male gorilla imprisoned by human beings at the Cincinnati Zoo. Harambe was minding his own business”€”as most male gorillas are wont to do, despite what you may see on the news or on TV crime dramas”€”when a four-year-old black human male fell fifteen feet into Harambe’s den, momentarily triggering and startling the peaceful primate.

Humans began screaming at the sight of the tiny black boy in the gorilla’s den, which further upset and disoriented Harambe. According to witnesses, the hairy, muscular, natural-born athlete appeared to be protective toward his Negroidal intruder, at one point even gently holding his hand.

Still, since humans are socialized to view gorillas as something subhuman, a possibly envious and sexually inadequate zoo official ended Harambe’s life with one cowardly squeeze of the trigger.

Attention naturally shifted to the boy’s mother”€”where the hell was she? Well, she was at the zoo with her son, but apparently she was distracted long enough for her pre-pube Bantu to wander off and fall into the lair of a male primate reportedly strong enough to crush a coconut with his bare hands.

The boy’s father”€”who has a different surname than the boy’s mother”€”was also in attendance, but apparently both parents were so enraptured by something other than the fruit of their very loins that it nearly led to their hapless son’s coconut-shaped skull being crushed in a majestic gorilla’s hands.

It was soon reported that the boy’s father had a lengthy criminal history including arrests for “burglary, firearms offences, drug trafficking, criminal trespass, disorderly conduct and kidnap.”

The New York Daily News’ esteemed journalist and crack reporter Shaun King”€”who besides Don Rickles is perhaps the most naturally gifted comedian alive”€”bemoaned the fact that long criminal history of the boy’s father provided America’s countless “racists” with “an opportunity to do what racists do””€”namely, make fun of Shaun King.

Writing in Cosmopolitan, the extremely fat Brittney Cooper”€”who once insisted that all white people take the blame for representing “the face of the oppressor””€”says that the Harambe brouhaha took place in a “world where black mothers are stereotyped as having a bunch of unruly children that they don’t take care of,” which thus “reinforces stereotypes of neglectful and careless black mothers,” all of it toxically feeding into “a larger societal narrative that devalues black life in general.”

Funny how you never hear these “stereotypes” about Japanese mothers. Nor do you ever hear Black Writers Who Never Write About Anything Besides Being Black making a peep about black people being overachievers when it comes to devaluing black life.

Ms. Cooper and Mr. King, a gorilla has died. A male gorilla with a bright future whom friends described as loving and bright was shot dead because people such as yourselves only care about primates that look like you do. Be grateful that you have the privilege to wallow in self-pity while that gorilla’s grieving relatives scream in the shadows for justice.

HOW TO HANDLE A MISOGYNIST FOUR-YEAR-OLD
A solid contender for the most self-castrating column of the year comes to us via Tom Fordy of the Telegraph, who had the temerity and shamelessness to pen an essay titled, “My four-year-old son is sexist – so who’s to blame?”

My son is a sexist. As much as a four-year-old can be sexist, at least….Indeed, from a very early age “€“ way before he had any concept of gender “€“ my son certainly loved “€˜boy’s stuff”€™: trains, diggers, dinosaurs, smashing things up….So who is really to blame for my little boy’s dreadful sexism?

Mr. Fordy, Mother Nature is to “blame” for your boy acting like a boy. Your boy is acting normally. It is you who suffers from an obvious mental affliction. We wish your perfectly normal son a happy life filled with machismo and devoid of gender confusion.

PEACEFUL UNDOCUMENTED MIGRANTS CONTINUE BEATING UP TRUMP SUPPORTERS
As the Trump Train continues gaining steam”€”with many national polls showing him pulling even with Hillary Clinton or leading by a nose”€”the poor, oppressed, gentle, inventive, and intelligent  members of the Lost Nation of Aztlan continue beating the hell out of Trump’s supporters.

Outside a massive rally in San Jose Thursday night, throngs of mostly brown-skinned and vertically challenged “protestors” waved Mexican flags, burned American ones, rocked cars, lit fires, and threw numerous sucker punches.

In response, San Jose’s Democratic Mayor Sam Liccardo said:

At some point Donald Trump needs to take responsibility for the irresponsible behavior of his campaign.

It was also irresponsible for Nicole Brown Simpson to repeatedly run straight into O.J. Simpson’s knife.

BANNING “€œGUYS”€ FROM THE OFFICE
In Australia, where the men used to be men, the national Diversity Council used taxpayer money to launch a campaign last Wednesday aimed at getting taxpayers to quit using the word “guys” in office environments when referring to other workers. The reason is that “guys” is a “gendered” word that excludes well-known “minority groups” such as women. A campaign video also shows a wheelchair-bound worker objecting to the phrase “walk the talk.”

LESBIANS MAKE BETTER PARENTS
A Scottish jury has convicted lesbian lovers Rachel and Nyomi Fee”€”two alleged women who are so innately unattractive  that it would not be unfair to call them “lesbians by necessity””€”of murdering their two-year-old son and torturing two other young boys during a campaign of terror that lasted two years.

Two-year-old Liam Fee was found dead of a ruptured heart after suffering severe blunt force trauma”€”the last of many apparent injuries inflicted on him during his brief life at the hands of his sadistic lesbian mammies. Abuse of Liam and the two other boys detailed at trial included being kept in a cage, forced to eat dog feces and their own vomit, given freezing showers, restrained with cables, denied food, and tied naked to chairs in the darkness in a room filled with snakes and rats.