Clay Aiken

IF YOU AREN’T OUTRAGED, YOU’RE PROBABLY SOMEWHERE HAVING FUN
Keening, screaming, hysterical, unhinged, disproportionate, and often entirely baseless outrage over perceived cultural insensitivities continues unabated into the New Year.

An interracial Georgia couple reportedly feels “hurt and shocked” because a black valet at the restaurant where they had dined scribbled “Jungle Fever” on their valet ticket. Despite the fact that the worker was fired after the incident, the righteously hurt-and-shocked miscegenators claim that they are discussing further options with an attorney.

After apologizing for an apparently well-meaning but ill-advised plan to hold a concert at a former Louisiana slave plantation, singer Ani Difranco has received no mercy from an obese black female scribe for Salon.com who invoked the meaningless phrase “white privilege” and shat out the meaningless sentence, “The whole point of being white is that you are never supposed to feel uncomfortable in space.” Obviously the whole point of being a black writer is that you are never supposed to stop whining. You are also supposed to never mention that living conditions are far better for blacks in America than in Africa.

After much kicking and screaming from local “native” tribes, a Montana planning board chairman has been relieved of his duties for claiming that local police officers “complained about their jails being filled with drunk Indians.” Amid the ensuing furor, no one bothered to disprove that the jails were actually filled with drunken Indians.

PEANUT BUTTER, JELLY, AND DOMESTIC ASSAULT
The week’s crime blotter was by turns grisly and amusing. Alleged Brooklyn slumlord Menachem Stark was kidnapped and murdered, with his charred remains found in a trash bin on Long Island. In China, a man who’d stabbed three children to death and injured more than a dozen others in September 2012 was sentenced to death. CCTV footage emerged of a Michigan convenience-store murder where shoppers walked in and out right over the victim’s corpse for minutes before someone saw fit to call the police. A rough-looking Indiana woman who claims her victim had molested her two-year-old son has been arrested for slicing the man’s penis with a box cutter inside a mobile home. In Malaysia, a six-year-old boy stands accused of raping his five-year-old cousin while playing the “mummy and daddy game.”

In lighter crime news, a Memphis grandmother was arrested for calling 911 and asking for “police assistance in getting a beer.” In Iowa, two brothers in their 50s allegedly quarreled over the fact that one of them had eaten a half-dozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches over the course of an hour or so, culminating with a knife reportedly being held to the throat of the more gluttonous sibling.