Donald Trump

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Kinetic, Magnetic, and Epigenetic Headlines

NATIONAL REVIEW POOPS ON TRUMP
National Review magazine is a leading light of the American conservative movement widely known for firing writers the moment they say something remotely interesting or vital.

Last Thursday night the hoary, mendacious, pus-leaking publication unleashed an online symposium called “€œConservatives Against Trump,”€ featuring 22 diatribes about why the real-estate magnate and connoisseur of Eastern European vaginas is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad man who would be bad, bad, bad, bad for conservatism and the Republican Party and”€”although they didn’t say it”€”the careers of people who write for cucked-out rags such as National Review. The symposium includes essays from weeping gerbil Glenn Beck, chirping hamster Erick Erickson, constipated wax figure Cal Thomas, and a gaggle of neocon warmongers many of whom may have worn yarmulkes at one point or another in their lives.

According to “The Editors” at NR:

Trump is a philosophically unmoored political opportunist who would trash the broad conservative ideological consensus within the GOP in favor of a free-floating populism with strong-man overtones.

Obviously, no one with a lick of political sense wants or needs a strong man these days. True conservatism involves always being resolutely weak.
David Boaz, who describes himself as the “lone libertarian” among all the conservatives at NR, warns solemnly:

Not since George Wallace has there been a presidential candidate who made racial and religious scapegoating so central to his campaign. Trump launched his campaign talking about Mexican rapists and has gone on to rant about mass deportation, bans on Muslim immigration, shutting down mosques, and building a wall around America.

George Wallace”€”another great American with more charisma in a single toenail than all of National Review‘s staff combined.

In his inimitably dismissive manner, Trump waved away the National Review dogpiling hit piece against him by calling NR a “dying paper” that “people don’t even think about.”

Trump gained further media scorn last week by retweeting a satirical photo of Jeb Bush from the Twitter account WhiteGenocideTM that is helmed by a person calling himself “Donald Trumpovitz” who claims to be located in “Jewmerica.” But like some pesky giant Japanese movie monster, Trump merely grows stronger with each escalating media attack. It’s almost as if he eats their hatred like videogame power pellets and uses it to recharge his batteries. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?” he said last week in Iowa. “It’s, like, incredible.”

WHITENESS-SHAMING MONTH AT PORTLAND COMMUNITY COLLEGE
Mark your calendars, white students at Portland Community College“€”the entire month of April has been set aside to help you feel bad about yourselves.

PCC’s “Whiteness History Month” will kick off on April Fools Day and will give white students ample time to self-flagellate about the undeniable fact that all over the world, white cultures outperform black and brown cultures when it comes to things such as IQ, longevity, income, and technological innovation. Administrators have made it very clear that unlike Black History Month, this is not a “celebratory endeavor.” They also distinguish between “whiteness” and “white people” and that the only way for white people to redeem themselves is to renounce their whiteness and aid in the dismantling of all the suffering and hatred and medical advances and air conditioning that whiteness has wreaked upon this world.

BYE, BYE, MISS AMERICAN HEBE
Don McLean is best known for his mega-pretentious and overlong 1971 song “American Pie” that was about Jesus and Satan and Mick Jagger and Buddy Holly and about how crestfallen McLean felt when he drove his Chevy to the levee, only to discover to his dismay that it was dry.

But now the gentle-throated bard is being not only accused of domestic violence against his wife of 30 years, he is being accused of something far, far worse”€”anti-Semitism. “Jewish wife claims Don McLean is anti-Semitic,” blares the headline on Page Six in an article that features a mugshot of the 70-year-old folk rocker after his arrest for allegedly threatening to strangle his wife. Patrisha McLean is alleging that Mr. American Pie has a “violent temper” and has physically assaulted her numerous times. What’s worse, she says “his rage was unfathomably deep and very scary”€”calling me horrible things like “€˜hebe”€™ (I”€™m Jewish).” This is a much more serious allegation than merely knocking his wife around and threatening to strangle her, which is obviously why Page Six’s headline focused solely on the anti-Semitism instead.

Perhaps Page Six should change its name to Page Six Million.