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The Week’s Most Febrile, Infantile, and Juvenile Headlines

WILL DRESDEN BURN AGAIN?
As everyone knows, Germany is the most evil place in the history of the universe. Therefore, it follows that anyone who attempts to preserve Germany as the home of the Germans is a filthy smelly Nazi who deserves to be shoved in an oven as if he were a frozen store-bought pizza.

Sure, if you want to split hairs and be technical, the German city of Dresden was bombed so aggressively in World War II that the sidewalks were glowing in what was a literal holocaust. But the weekend before last in the nearby village of Heidenau, three days of rioting followed the government’s placement of two hundred refugees in an abandoned hardware store. Some of the rioters reportedly chanted things such as “Heil Hitler” and “foreigners out.” Thirty-one policemen were injured in the three-day fracas.

German officials were quick to make clear that such intolerance would not be tolerated. According to German economy minister Sigmar Gabriel:

These are people that have nothing to do with Germany. This is not the Germany we want.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who resembles the offspring of Hillary Clinton and a toadstool, referred to the rioters as “disgusting.” She obviously hasn’t looked in a mirror in years.

It matters not a whit that these new refugee centers blanket the entire nation. Neither does it matter that Germany already accepts more “immigrants” than any other European country. The only moral and sensible way for Germans to survive is to bend over, grab their ankles, and willingly accept their own demise.

SCIENTISTS DEVISE METHOD TO REDUCE RACISM AMONG CHINESE INFANTS
To their shock and dismay, researchers at the University of Delaware have found that infants as young as three months old have already succumbed to the toxic poison of societal racism and thus favor women who look like their mothers over women from other races. Such bigoted youngsters clearly display “unconscious racial biases” rather than “natural racial preferences.” But a study in the journal Developmental Science claims that with enough aggressive cognitive conditioning, they can be cured.

Researchers “wanted to see whether the children’s unconscious racial biases could be disrupted,” so they placed Chinese infants under a rigorous program of cognitive reconditioning that, at least temporarily, subverted their natural affinity for people who look like themselves. It is settled science that children need to be taught to be racist, which is why three-month-old infants are forced to undergo Clockwork Orange-style mental reconditioning that teaches them not to be racist.

WOMEN’s BOOK CLUB MEMBERS CLAIM THEY WERE TARGETED FOR “€œLAUGHING WHILE BLACK”€
A jolly group of eleven “mostly black women””€”meaning that there was one ethno-masochistic white woman huddled among them”€”from northern California’s “Sistahs on the Reading Edge” book club were forced off a Napa Valley wine-tour train for allegedly being too loud and boisterous after employees on the train received several complaints from other train passengers.

Now, it couldn’t possibly be that large groups of alcohol-swilling black women can ever get loud and rude of their own accord, nor is it true that whenever you get a group of black women together their incessant chatter inevitably gets louder than a Metallica concert, so these noble female descendants of slaves were obviously forced off the train because of their skin color. There is no other possible explanation. Only a damned fool would doubt that they were asked to leave because they were “Laughing While Black” and thus caused discomfort to a group of uptight white people who don’t embrace life with the same level of innocent gusto that black women do. We, as white people, need to learn that “laughing is not a crime” and that it’s “no accident that black women are the most likely women in the U.S. to be murdered or raped.” Just don’t dare mention exactly who is murdering and raping them, and everything should be fine.

ANOTHER BLACK BODY SENSELESSLY GUNNED DOWN IN FERGUSON
The world still writhes in pain over last summer’s brutal slaying of gentle giant Mike Brown in Ferguson, MO by a white cop who obviously was motivated by penis envy and racial hatred. This is why it’s almost certain that Ferguson will once again erupt in flames and looting over the fact that a nine-year-old black girl was shot dead in her bedroom while she did homework. A 21-year-old black male named De’Eris Marquan Brown has been arrested in connection with the shooting and has reportedly confessed. It is common knowledge that black lives matter, and even though 93% of black murder victims are killed by other blacks, only an idiot would think this isn’t due to white supremacy.