“€œTRANSPHOBIC”€ RAPPERS RECEIVE PUBLIC SPANKINGS
Hip-hop music”€”that testosterone-addled genre that was one of popular culture’s last bastions of unrestrained misogyny and gay-bashing”€”is now being attacked for not playing along with everyone else in its stubborn, thuglike refusal to pretend that guys who pretend they’re chicks are actually chicks.

White rapper Eminem”€”ironically the biggest-selling hip-hop artist in history, being that he’s white and all”€”came under fire last week for a “freestyle” rap he did on a morning radio show that included the following lyrics about former Olympian Bruce Jenner:

I invented prick, and that’s a true statement
I see the bitch in you, Caitlyn
Keep the pistol tucked like Bruce Jenner’s dick
No disrespect though, not at all
no pun intended, that took a lot of balls.

Even though Jenner actually still has a penis and a deep voice, an outraged bearded beta white male music blogger wrote that Eminem is a “sick…asshole” who issued “transphobic threats” against the trans community.

Ladies and gents”€”and remember, those are the only two acceptable gender options”€”you were warned in this very column just last week that a fascinatingly persistent quirk of the “trans community” and their bleedingly righteous allies is to claim that they’ve been openly threatened with violence even when no such thing has happened. Nothing that Eminem said in those lyrics constituted a threat, but they made an Insta-Threat out of it anyway. If elaborately staged hate-crime hoaxes can be likened to stovetop oatmeal, these shotgun bursts of false-alarm verbal thought-violence against transsexuals are the instant Cream of Wheat version”€”just add outrage and stir. Someone needs to start maintaining a database of incidents where transsexuals claimed violence when no violence has occurred, because it’s gotten so insane that even maintaining such a database will be called “violent” and “threatening.”

In other hip-hop transphobia news, rapper Lil B“€”note that you’ll never see one named Lil Dick”€”tweeted that he wished he could pretend he was trans so he could hang out in the girls’ locker room. After the predictable earthquake of outrage erupted, he backtracked with several groveling tweets acknowledging that he is “transphobic” because he’s “scared” and “not comfortable with my self [sic].”

When even the rappers are apologizing, all hope is lost.

CATHOLIC MONK CONVICTED OF HARASSING LESBIAN WITCHES
Fifty-three-year-old Catholic monk Damon Kelly belongs to a group in England called the Black Hermits, who actually follow the Bible and therefore preach that homosexual behavior is a sin. While handing out leaflets that “railed” against the gay lifestyle, Kelly was told by a pair of lesbians that they didn’t want his homophobic hate literature, whereupon he allegedly told them to “keep it, urinate on it, defecate on it.” When the lesbian lovebirds continued to defend their lifestyle, he allegedly told them, “You know, we used to burn people like you.”

He then followed up with a hand-delivered missive to the lesbians’ domicile that included lines about how “witches, gays, lesbians and sex-changers” were “part of the Devil’s madness.”

As a result of these actions, Kelly was recently convicted of harassment and is awaiting sentencing. The punch line? He may be the gayest-looking monk in the history of monkdom. He even totes around a rainbow umbrella!

NEW STUDY: BULLIES ARE SEXIER AND HAPPIER
Canadian researchers recently cited evolutionary psychology theory in a research study called Survival of the Fittest and the Sexiest: Evolutionary Origins of Adolescent Bullying. According to the study, bullying is a way of establishing dominance in the social pecking order, and as a result, bullies tend to be happier and enjoy more sex partners than their victims. This makes sense from an evolutionary psychology standpoint, but then again, everything does.