Kiss

TERRIFYING WAVE OF ANTI-SEMITISM PUSHES CIVILIZATION TO THE BRINK
It was a bad week for Jews, but what week isn’t?

Jews worldwide may be dismayed to learn that the legacies of two of their favorite music-makers”€”namely, George Frideric Handel and rock group KISS”€”may at least be partially tainted by the wretched stink of anti-Semitism.

The Jewish Daily Forward published an article that dared to wonder, “Is Handel’s ‘Messiah’ an Anti-Semitic Screed?” The essay examines a new book by a Swarthmore professor which posits that, yes, it was a horribly anti-Semitic composition in which the “them” in aria lyric “Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron” was, naturally, the Jews. The article also airs a few experts’ contrary opinions and concludes that Messiah was probably not anti-Semitic, which did not prevent them from throwing the idea out there just in case it was.

Rock group KISS”€”which, translated to Yiddish, would be KUSH”€”was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last week. Founding KISS member Paul Stanley, the one with a star on his face rather than the one who keeps sticking his tongue out, is claiming that original KISS drummer Peter Criss and guitarist Ace Frehley were anti-Semites. In a new tell-all book that is undoubtedly a work of towering literary value, Stanley claims that Frehley collected Nazi memorabilia and that Criss used to make fun of Chinese waiters. He also suggests, without apparently citing any documented evidence, that Criss and Frehley were jealous of Stanley (born Stanley Bert Eisen) and Simmons (born Chaim Witz”€”in Israel, no less) for their relative fame, concluding that the band’s two goyim must have secretly considered them “money-grubbing Jews.” Criss and Frehley denied the allegations, protesting loudly that some of their favorite people are Jews.

In other news about Jews we couldn’t refuse: As part of a study group detailing Nazi crimes against Jews”€”because they happened 70 years ago in Europe and are thus highly relevant to American children in 2014″€”sixth-graders in a New Jersey schoolroom made a Holocaust collage that appears to be well intentioned but that a Jewish staffer found “highly offensive.” … Our Jewish readers in Manitoba will be alarmed to hear that anti-Semitism is reportedly on the rise in the province. … And a UN report allegedly “Promotes Anti-Semitic Libels” because it suggests that Israelis aren’t playing nice with Palestinians.

JEB BUSH TO ILLEGAL ALIENS: I LOVE YOU
Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush”€”undeniably the most overweight Bush ever to be considered a presidential contender”€”is reaching his swollen fingers across the Mexican border and offering a symbolic handshake to people who may already have family members here. Speaking at a silver-anniversary shindig celebrating his father’s ascent to the presidency, Li’l Jeb spoke fondly of our nation’s tide of new migrants pouring in from the south.

Quoth Jeb:

The way I look at this is someone who comes to our country because they couldn’t come legally, they come to our country because their families”€”the dad who loved their children”€”was worried that their children didn’t have food on the table. And they wanted to make sure their family was intact, and they crossed the border because they had no other means to work to be able to provide for their family. Yes, they broke the law, but it’s not a felony. It’s an act of love.

Mr. Bush has been married to, and presumably engaged in repeated carnal relations of an intensely intimate nature with, a Mexican woman since 1974. The idea of a Mexican First Lady could win the Hispanic vote for the GOP in 2016, which may catapult yet another Bush into the White House, which would force everyone to kill themselves.

THE RACIST SWANS OF WARWICK
In a shocking case of alleged ornithological bigotry from across the Pond, an unnamed 24-year-old student at England’s Warwick University claims that a renegade pack of swans occupying part of the school premises may be hostile toward everyone, but he feels they single him out because he’s from India. Claiming that the swans had “€œbullied”€ him, he opined, “I think they don’t like too many Indians in England”€”maybe the swans here are a little bit racist.” It recalls the 2002 case of a Pennsylvania police dog named Dolpho, accused by local black residents of racially profiling them.