Merle Haggard

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Laggard, Staggered, and Haggard Headlines

BILL CLINTON YELLS AT BLACK PEOPLE, ALMOST APOLOGIZES
Cigar-loving former president and current domestic abuse survivor William Jefferson Clinton earned our temporary respect last Thursday in Philadelphia when he barked back at the serial disrupters of Black Lives Matter who repeatedly interrupted his campaign-stump speech to shout things such as “ooga booga!,” “ungawa!,” and “dat’s raciss!”

The dusky, Soros-funded space invaders were apparently incensed at comments made two decades ago by Clinton’s presumably lesbian wife Hillary about criminal “super predators.” Although Madame Clinton made no mention of blacks in her original statement, many black activists displayed a rare flourish of statistical aptitude in assuming she was talking about blacks, since blacks commit predatory crimes at rates far exceeding their numbers. Like sports and entertainment, predatory crime is a category in which blacks truly excel.

Bill Clinton sternly reprimanded the restless natives thusly:

I don”€™t know how you would characterize the gang leaders who got 13-year-old kids hopped up on crack and set ‘em out onto the street to murder other African-American children….Maybe you thought they were good citizens….[Hillary] didn”€™t. You are defending the people who killed the lives you say matter. Tell the truth. You are defending the people who caused people to go out and take guns.

Although it’s true that 93% of black murder victims are killed by other blacks, this matters not a whit to Black Lives Matter.

But the next day, realizing that the dominant cultural narrative is that Negroes Are Blameless and that to challenge this myth may harm the presidential aspirations of the woman who has physically harmed him, Clinton walked back his statements a smidge:

Now I like and believe in protests. I”€™d be a hypocrite if I didn”€™t, “€™cause I engaged in some when I was a kid. But I never thought I should drown anybody else out….We gotta stop that in this country. We gotta listen to each other again.

Thank you, Mr. Clinton. People who make a habit of causing public disturbances deserve to be sterilized with fried chicken.

“THE BOSS” BOYCOTTS NORTH CAROLINA OVER TRANNY BATHROOM ISSUE
At one time in the very distant past, Bruce Springsteen was a hard-working normal guy from central New Jersey who sang with constipated fury about cars and girls. But now, like so many other entertainment-industry superstars, he has become the willing water boy of Cultural Marxist insanity.

To the shock, dismay, terror, and horror of the millions of brainwashed cretins who suddenly over the past five years have signed on to the delusion that people who suffer from gender dysphoria are actually sane, the State of North Carolina recently passed a “bathroom bill” declaring that people should use public bathrooms that align with their biological sex. In protest, Springsteen canceled an April 10 concert in Greensboro, NC.

According to Springsteen’s guitarist Steven Van Zandt:

This sort of thing is spreading like an evil virus around the country. We felt we better stop this, we should try and stop this early, and hopefully other people will rise up and join us.

An “evil virus”? What”€”like HIV?

In a statement on his website, Springsteen self-righteously declared:

To my mind, it’s an attempt by people who cannot stand the progress our country has made in recognizing the human rights of all of our citizens to overturn that progress….Taking all of this into account, I feel that this is a time for me and the band to show solidarity for those freedom fighters.

We’re having trouble finding the passage where the Founding Fathers defined “freedom” as “being able to tuck in your penis so you can poop in a ladies’ bathroom.”

There’s nothing wrong with making 100 people uncomfortable just so you can feel comfortable. That may not be the American way, but it’s the minoritarian way.

INDIANA PRIEST MISTAKEN FOR KLANSMAN
Voltaire once wrote, “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.” These days, since the KKK hardly exists, people are finding it necessary to invent Klansmen.

In 2013, students at Oberlin College hallucinated a Klansman in the form of a person walking around campus swaddled in a blanket. Last year during the racial hysteria at the University of Missouri, there were false reports that violent Klansmen had stormed the campus. And last week from the college town of Bloomington, Indiana came panicked reports that a whip-wielding Klansman was terrorizing locals. To the dismay of people who taste Klansmen in their hoagies, it only turned out to be a Dominican monk in a white robe carrying rosary beads.