ONWARD AND N-WORD
Rob Carmona, a black man who’s as black as the ace of spades”€”so black, in fact, that a lump of coal would leave a white streak on him”€”has been ordered to pay a quarter-million dollars in compensation to his black former employee Brandi Johnson for calling her a “nigger” during a rant in which he criticized her work performance. This case seems to set a slippery precedent that would allow every member of rap group Niggaz Wit Attitudes to sue one another for the rest of their lives.

In what was either a crass publicity stunt or a meeting between two sincerely confused people, a representative for the United Klans of America met with an NAACP leader at a hotel conference room in Casper, WY to discuss an alleged recent spate of violent attacks on black males. Self-proclaimed Klansman John Abarr, who also mystifyingly claims he’s a member of the ACLU and SPLC, said he enjoys being in the KKK “because you wear robes, and get out and light crosses, and have secret handshakes….I like being in the Klan”€”I sort of like it that people think I’m some sort of outlaw.” At the end of the meeting, Abarr reportedly filled out a registration form and paid a fee to join the NAACP.

William Lowell Putnam III, trustee of Flagstaff, AZ’s Lowell Observatory, has publicly expressed his desire to name an asteroid after slain Florida teen Trayvon Martin. Gareth Williams of the Minor Planet Center said that the official policy is not to discuss such issues until they are finally approved, but according to a report, “He did confirm that there is not currently an asteroid named Trayvon.”

A RAINBOW OVER THE ALAMO
San Antonio, TX’s City Council has passed an ordinance that allegedly bans anyone who criticizes homosexuality from running for office or receiving a city contract. It is unknown whether this will retroactively affect San Antonio councilwoman Elisa Chan, who was surreptitiously recorded calling homosexuality “disgusting,” questioning whether it had any genetic basis, and claiming that the approval of transgenderism meant that society had entered the “crazy realm.”

A former British soldier has changed his name to Lucy, undergone a sex-change operation, and now exists as a married Muslim woman. She/he/it claims that she/he/it is finally being true to her/him/itself.

Bowing to pressure from a group called Let Toys Be Toys, retail chain Toys R Us has promised to cease marketing gender-specific toys. We preferred the days when on one side of the kindergarten classroom were those who liked snips and snails and puppy dog’s tails, while on the other were those who liked sugar and spice and all things nice. Toys are gender-neutral, but please let boys be boys.

NATION OF MORONS
During a speech in Boise, ID on Thursday, retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor bemoaned America’s faltering cognitive capacity. She noted that two-thirds of Americans can’t name one Supreme Court Justice, two-thirds can’t name all three branches of government, and more than two-thirds of eighth-graders are unable to “identify the historical purpose of the Declaration of Independence, and it’s right there in the name.” She added, “The more I read and the more I listen, the more apparent it is that our society suffers from an alarming degree of public ignorance.”