O.J. Simpson

The Week’s Most Bloody, Gutty, and Nutty Headlines

THEY HAVE MALLS IN KENYA?
The death toll stands at around 70 and continues climbing in the wake of a four-day siege of an Israeli-owned shopping mall in Nairobi by Islamist militants. Grisly stories emerged from survivors about children being stabbed to death and shoved into refrigerators with knives still in their bodies; of adult victims being castrated, having their eyes gouged out and their noses ripped from their faces with pliers, being impaled with hooks and hanged from the ceiling, and even having their fingers sharpened “like pencils” and being forced to sign their names in their own blood. The death toll was undoubtedly worsened when bumbling Kenyan forces fired rocket-propelled grenades and knocked out a support column in the mall, causing a three-story collapse.

ATTACK OF THE HOMOPHOBIC PASTA SHELLS
Guido Barilla, the world’s largest producer of pasta, is facing the Gay Mafia’s wrath after he blithely told an Italian radio interviewer that he would not feature gay couples in his advertising:

I would never make a spot with a homosexual family. Not out of a lack of respect but because I do not see it like they do. (My idea of) family is a classic family where the woman has a fundamental role. If [gays] don’t like it, they can go eat another brand.

Obviously the gays didn’t like it”€”they don’t seem to like anything these days beyond unblinking affirmation and veneration so shameless, it borders on camp”€”and their fellow pillow-biters in media and advertising started the predictable campaign of scorched-earth PR destruction against Barilla, abetted by rival Bertolli Germany, who immediately ran an ad claiming they didn’t care whether their pasta was homosexual or not.

Guido Barilla released a series of apologies that culminated in a video where he looks every bit as beaten and humbled as Paula Deen did during her travails this past summer.

Gambian President Yahya Jammeh, however, appears to have not received the Homo Memo. His comments before the UN General Assembly on Friday contained the following sodomite-inflaming bons mots:

Those who promote homosexuality want to put an end to human existence. It is becoming an epidemic and we Muslims and Africans will fight to end this behavior. Homosexuality in all its forms and manifestations which, though very evil, antihuman as well as anti-Allah, is being promoted as a human right by some powers.

Homosexual activists are planning to boycott all of Gambia’s chief exports once they figure out what they are.

To further hammer home the notion that the “old queer” is the “new normal,” CBS in Sacramento recently featured a presumably heartwarming story of a man and a woman who got married, only to realize twenty years later that they were both gay, but since the man was actually a lesbian woman trapped inside a man’s body, they were still compatible…or something.

Argentinian officials have rubber-stamped a gender change for a six-year old male who, according to his parents, identified as a female since he began speaking. A federal body ruled that denying the gender change would violate the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child.

HITLER IN THE NEWS (AGAIN!)
Adolf Hitler, still one of the world’s most recognizable celebrities nearly 70 years after his untimely death, continues to grab headlines.

A new book by Harvard scholar Ben Urwand alleges that Hollywood’s moguls, despite being disproportionately Jewish, collaborated with Germany’s Propaganda Ministry in the years leading up to World War II. It also avers that Hitler absolutely loved King Kong but had a severe distaste for the Tarzan movies.

Another new book claims that in 1941, Hitler sent Rudolf Hess to Britain to negotiate a peace settlement whereby Germany would evacuate all its occupied territory in Western Europe so long as Churchill agreed not to interfere in Germany’s onslaught against Russia.

Spain, which has been observing Central European Time since 1942 when Francisco Franco set his country’s clocks to sync with those of Nazi Germany, has apparently realized that Hitler isn’t considered “cool” anymore and will be switching back to Western European Time.

An unaccomplished shlub of an art critic for the Guardian recently slammed surrealist master Salvador Dali for claiming that Hitler “turned me on” as well as for befriending Wallis Simpson, “who has also been suspected of Nazi sympathies.”

Abe Foxman of the ADL, who apparently believes he has jurisdiction over Saudi Arabia, has demanded the immediate removal of a Saudi TV ad that Foxman claims “trivializes the Holocaust by turning Hitler into a cartoonish poster child.” Foxman expressed much wailing and gnashing of teeth over how the ad will be received “across the Arab world, where there is scant education about the murder of six million Jews and millions of others by Hitler and the Nazis and where Holocaust denial and anti-Semitism are rampant.” The ad allegedly features Hitler praising the TV station’s September film lineup.

During his 21-hour speech in protest of Obamacare, upstart Texas Senator Ted Cruz mentioned the Nazis, only to be upbraided later by senile albino ape John McCain for mentioning the Nazis.

After shooting an elephant dead as part of an NBC wildlife show, NRA lobbyist Tony Makris chided those who make a distinction between killing smaller mammals and poultry but are outraged when an elephant bites the bullet. Makris called such attitudes “a very unique form of animal racism. You know, Hitler would have said the same thing.”