Matt Damon

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HOMOSEXUAL CHANTEUSE ELTON JOHN PRANKED BY PUTIN IMPOSTOR
Gay songstress Elton John, famous for such rock ‘n’ roll chestnuts such “Bennie and the Jets” almost as much as he is for placing penises in his mouth and becoming the father to a gay designer baby, finds himself with his foot in his mouth instead of a penis this time.

A wacky pair of Russian TV hosts pranked the singing sodomite recently with an 11-minute phone call pretending to be super-macho Russian President Vladimir Putin and his translator. Excited that Putin and his impressive pectoral muscles had agreed to meet with Elton and discuss how Russian society needs to celebrate the fact that homosexual men put penises in their mouths and anuses, the platinum-selling poofter took to social media to brag about the fact that he was going to have a Gay Summit with the world-famous martial artist, racecar driver, and former KGB chief.

After the hoax was revealed, the severely nearsighted homosexual recording artist said that there were no hard feelings and that he still wants to talk to Putin about how Russians need to get with the program and start thinking that the gays are, like, really cool and stuff.

Or maybe Sir Elton is simply attracted to super-wealthy tough guys. Putin’s estimated net worth is $70 billion, which places him about $66 billion ahead of superstar entertainer Donald Trump.

SCIENTISTS URGE OBAMA TO CRIMINALLY CHARGE GLOBAL WARMING “DENIERS” WITH RACKETEERING
Due to the fact that everyone in the world agrees that global warming is real and that as citizen of this globe we need a global governmental agency with taxing powers to fight it, anyone who questions this established fact of settled science is a liar”€”i.e., a “denier.” They know the truth; they just don’t want to admit it due to the fact that they’re selfish egotistical sociopaths who want to murder small nonwhite children.

A group of 20 climate scientists is asking President Barack Hussein Don Cornelius Obama to prosecute all such meteorological heretics under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act. Should Obama accede to their demands, “climate deniers” may actually edge out “Holocaust deniers” as the USA’s first officially sanctioned thought criminals.

ANOTHER LESBIAN T-SHIRT SCANDAL
America’s lesbian community is well-known for wearing T-shirts advertising that they’re lesbians. There was a 2011 scandal where a pair of lezzies at Tennessee’s Dollywood amusement park were publicly shamed for wearing a pro-gay T-shirt. That same year, there was a dabbler in the Sapphic arts from Alabama who was told by school officials that her “gay? fine by me?” T-shirt was inappropriate. In 2012, a pair of clam-diggers at an Ohio school were told to remove their “Lesbian 1” and “Lesbian 2” shirts.

Now comes word that a South Carolina carpet-muncher was briefly suspended for wearing her “Nobody knows I’m a lesbian” T-shirt. The irony”€”a thing that is often lost on lesbians”€”is that now, everyone knows she’s a lesbian.