The Week’s Most Spurious, Notorious, and Vainglorious Headlines

BIKERS v. MUSLIMS IN D.C.
In what may disappoint readers who enjoy the occasional outburst of large-scale inter-civilizational violence, there appeared to be no mob beatings nor suicide bombings on September 11 in Washington, DC.

A group called the American Muslim Political Action Committee had initially planned a “Million Muslim March” on DC to commemorate the twelfth anniversary of the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, but they later changed it to the “Million American March Against Fear” because the specter of a million marching Muslims was too “scary.”

In toto, an estimated 25 protesters”€”including speakers”€”ultimately showed up for the event. Among the speakers was Cornel West, who wowed the sparse audience with tales of social injustice while flashing them glimpses of his legendarily strange and exotic teeth.

Outraged and perturbed by the idea of Muslims”€”whether 25 or a million of them”€”converging upon Our Nation’s Capital to mock the sacred remembrance day of the largest terrorist attack on American soil in history, an amalgamation of American motorcycle enthusiasts had planned a counter-protest to the Muslims, upping the ante by calling it 2 Million Bikers to DC. Thousands of bikers from across the USA showed up, revving their engines and belching and farting and shouting anti-Islamic slogans, although police were mostly able to keep the Muslims and the bikers separate.

In other news from the Wide Wacky World of Islamophobic Comedy, Florida pastor Terry Jones, who never met a Koran he didn’t want to burn, was arrested on September 11 as he was en route to a public park for a ceremony where he intended to burn 2,998 Korans”€”one for every victim of 9/11″€”at once. One would think that any seasoned Koran-burner worth their salt would realize that you don’t douse the Korans in kerosene before you get to the park, or else you can get jailed for “unlawful conveyance of fuel.”

TRAYVON STILL DEAD, ZIMMERMAN IN TROUBLE AGAIN
Though we’d been hoping last week’s announcement that an asteroid may be named after cherubic unarmed slain Florida teen Trayvon Martin would finally slake everyone’s preliterate caveman thirst for collective vengeance and defuse the whole “racial situation” in America, at least for a while, we now realize that we were painfully naïve. On Saturday, September 7, the Alabama State marching band spelled out the word TRAYVON on the football field during the halftime show.

Martin’s killer George Zimmerman is rapidly becoming the White Hispanic Rodney King”€”a dopey man involved in a tragic situation that became a national racial obsession and led to subsequent retaliatory beatings and deaths who proves again and again that he is a serial fuckup who needs to stay at home and keep quiet. Besides doing dumb things such as getting arrested for speeding twice and posing for pictures at a factory of the manufacturer that made the gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin, he is now embroiled in a messy public divorce.

Shellie Zimmerman, a giant unpleasant grimacing whale of a woman, accused him last week of wielding a gun and punching her father during a dispute at the home where she and Zimmerman had once lived together. The corpulent, blank-faced, opportunistic, soon-to-be-ex-wife later recanted her allegation that Zimmerman had brandished a firearm during the incident. Both George and Shellie claim that the other was the physical aggressor. Police are still trying to extract video from a smashed iPad that was damaged during the altercation.

THE HOLOCAUST, REVISITED (AGAIN)
Dutch authorities have evicted an allegedly obstreperous Gypsy family from their apartment and herded them into plastic shipping container homes #48a and #48b at Amsterdam’s “Scum Village.” Members of the family have blamed “pure racism” for their relocation, likening their new abodes to a “concentration camp.” One of the eight displaced Gypsies noted that Amsterdam’s mayor commemorated the Holocaust yet treated the Netherlands’ Roma people as undesirables: “The mayor talks about Auschwitz but sends us to this place.”

Speaking of Auschwitz”€”because we’re required to do so by law at least once per day”€”motivational speaker Jill Klein has taken her father’s experiences at WWII’s most famous/infamous concentration camp and has turned it all into, well, a, um, er, motivational presentation for corporate executives that some may find to be in dubious taste. Everyone has heard the corporate world described as a jungle, but this might be the first time we’ve heard it compared to an oven.

THE WEEK IN HATE CRIMES
Last Monday 62-year-old Jeffrey Babbitt died of brain injuries sustained during an assault in Manhattan’s Union Square on Wednesday, September 4. His alleged attacker, 31-year-old Lashawn Marten, was reported to have shouted that he hates white people and intended to punch the next white man that he saw. He allegedly knocked Babbitt down with one punch, whereupon Babbitt’s skull cracked on the ground. Marten also reportedly attacked two men who attempted to intervene. After being arrested, Marten did a jailhouse interview where he denied being a racist and claimed his violence was ecumenical: “I’ve punched white people. I’ve punched brown people. I’ve punched Hispanic people.”

Two days after Babbitt was attacked, a black man on a bus in Harlem allegedly smashed bones in the face of a “cracker” he’d apparently chosen at random to attack.

A 23-year-old male of unspecified ethnicity was reportedly beaten with fists and a lead pipe by a group of four to six black males in the formerly wholesome-sounding town of Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

And police in Cleveland, OH, have arrested a 13-year-old black male whippersnapper in connection with a string of incidents involving rock-throwing and intimidation of “faggots” outside a gay bar named, but of course, Cocktails.