HRH Princess Sikhanyiso Dlamini (centre), dancing at Umhlanga, 2006

Source: Wikimedia Commons

KARL MARX ARRESTED IN STABBING
As everyone knows, the dubious concept of “free speech” is nothing more than a transparent excuse for Nazis, Klansmen, and bigots who are so hateful they’ve registered and have been issued membership cards and decoder rings from both groups to murder and enslave anyone who isn’t a Nazi or a Klansman, so who the heck do they think they’re kidding?

At the University of California San Diego, Young Americans for Liberty inflated a big pink “free speech ball” and invited people to exercise their First Amendment rights by scribbling something on the ball with a Sharpie.

Brian Pryor of the Leadership Institute, who was helping Young Americans for Liberty at the event, recalls a Looney Tune neo-commie’s stabbing attack on the free speech ball:

I remember he took our free speech petition, hands visibly trembling, and wrote his name as Karl Marx. Then he went up to our free speech ball and kept shifting to an area where we couldn’t see him writing on it. We saw later that he wrote the Latin phrase ‘sic semper tyrannus,’ meaning ‘thus always to tyrants’—the phrase uttered by the Roman senate before killing Julius Caesar and by John Wilkes Booth before assassinating President Lincoln….The entire situation was bizarrely theatrical.

After scrawling on the ball, the trembling Trotskyite frantically stabbed the life out of the poor free speech ball before fleeing the scene. Police apprehended him at a local communist bookstore and hauled him away in cuffs.

SWAZI WOMEN FLASH THEIR BOOBS TO PROTEST GOOGLE’S “RACISM”
American men of a certain age will remember a time when the only “pornography” that was readily available to them featured topless African women cavorting in the pages of National Geographic at the dentist’s office.

The Swazi Reed Dance is a glorious cultural tradition wherein African women shimmy and shake with their boobs a-flappin’ for all to see. An African company—yes, they actually have those there—named TV Yabantu featured several videos of topless choco-babes struttin’ their cans while performing the Reed Dance. After YouTube recently flagged many of these videos, the company released a three-part series called “Google Racist Exposed,” accusing Google—which owns YouTube—of suppressing their natural right to flash their coal-black nips at the entire world whenever they desire.

The wonderfully exotic nation of Swaziland simultaneously boasts the world’s highest rate of HIV infection and the world’s lowest life expectancy, and these broads are worrying about not being allowed to flash their nips at everyone on the planet? Priorities, ladies—priorities!

Moving on from black boobs to boobs that pretend to be black, a German model who calls herself Martina Big has artificially inflated her ta-tas to the point where she is now a 32S, which she claims are the “biggest breasts in Europe.” But even though she was born a white and blonde German girl with more reasonable breasts, Martina was not merely satisfied with having those grotesque zeppelins hanging from her ribcage.

The watermelon-breasted super-freak has installed a tanning bed in her home and is regularly receiving tanning injections that are transforming her creamy German skin to a dark tint that is rivaled only by unlit South African coal mines. As she attempts to explain:

To become more and more a black woman, that is such a wonderful feeling. I’m so happy. Next, I’ll have consultations for the butt enlargement and for the African facial features.

The transblack tit-monster also says she plans to finally visit her imaginary ancestral homeland because she hears the “food is tasty.”

We won’t spoil the surprise for her, but everyone knows there is no food in Africa.

Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.