Adolf Hitler

The Week’s Most Fascinating, Lacerating, and Exasperating Headlines

KILLING BABY HITLER
Simply because The New York Times was, is, and always will be the most respected and trustworthy publication in the solar system, it recently asked its readers what is undoubtedly the most pressing question of our time:

If you could go back and kill Hitler as a baby, would you do it?

The survey of 3,000 subscribers revealed that around 42% of respondents said, yes, absolutely, indubitably and without a doubt, if they had the chance to enter a tiny time capsule and travel backward, they would definitely kill the itty-bitty baby Hitler.

Three out of ten respondents said they would let baby Hitler off the hook, while 28% said that they weren’t sure what they’d do, quite possibly because it’s a stupid question in the first place.

The Times’ editor-in-chief Jake Silverstein expressed surprise that not even half of the respondents said they’d be willing to travel backward in time and murder the baby Hitler.

Writing in the Jewish Telegraph Agency, Ami Eden says that “rabbinic tradition strongly suggests God would give a thumbs down to a preemptive strike against baby Hitler,” adding quite reasonably that “It seems to me the baby-Hitler question is a distraction from real-life moral quandaries in the here-and-now.” And the New York Daily News’ brand-new race-obsessed columnist Shaun King”€”he of the recent scandal regarding whether he actually has a single drop of black blood in him”€”suggested that if Americans were seriously going to travel back in time and murder people, maybe it should be Christopher Columbus, George Washington, or Thomas Jefferson.

How about we all compromise and retroactively murder George Jefferson and every other fictional Norman Lear character of the 1970s? It’s hard to think of a cast of characters who’ve been more destructive of American culture.

NATIONAL TEST RESULTS: DETROIT STUDENTS ARE DUMB AS ROCKS
According to results of the 2015 National Assessment of Educational Progress released last Wednesday, American students are a buncha failures who really should go to their rooms and be ashamed of themselves. A paltry third of eighth-graders ranked as “proficient” in math and reading. In Detroit, however, a robust 96% of eighth-graders were not proficient in math, while 93% lacked reading proficiency. Despite all the racial progress we’ve made as a nation under the beneficent guidance of President Barack Hussein Mantan Moreland Obama, apparently racism is still alive and well in this nation, because racism is the only possible explanation for the following results:

There were no significant changes in the achievement gap for reading between white students and their black and Hispanic peers.

HUNGARIAN PRIME MINISTER BLAMES GEORGE SOROS FOR REFUGEE INVASION
Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban is rapidly emerging as the man with the biggest balls in Europe. Vilified for building a razor-wire fence to his nation’s south to deter the flood of “refugees” pouring into Europe from the Middle East, Orban recently fingered malignant narcissist billionaire George Soros for aiding and abetting the flood:

His name is perhaps the strongest example of those who support anything that weakens nation states, they support everything that changes the traditional European lifestyle. These activists who support immigrants inadvertently become part of this international human-smuggling network.

Soros, who isn’t above smearing people as “Nazis” even though by his own admission on 60 Minutes he says he feels no guilt for aiding and abetting Nazis during World War II, hit back at Orban:

His plan treats the protection of national borders as the objective and the refugees as an obstacle. Our plan treats the protection of refugees as the objective and national border as the obstacle.

Back in September Soros published a six-point plan for removing those pesky obstacles known as national borders.

GEORGIA BAR SELLS RACIALLY OFFENSIVE WATERMELON-BASED COCKTAIL
General Beauregard’s bar in downtown Athens, GA temporarily closed last week amid the heat of a social-media bonfire over the revelation that the store kept a bartender’s cheat sheet that featured a recipe for a drink called the “Niggerita.” The Niggerita features tequila with watermelon flavoring. Locals in this college town were outraged that in this day and age, anyone would think of selling a drink called the Niggerita, although the owners claim they weren’t aware of the cheat sheet nor of any digital records of them ever selling a drink called the Niggerita. In case you missed any of that, the drink that caused all the furor was called the “Niggerita.”