Rob Ford

RACISM, BOTH PUBLIC AND INCOGNITO
Miami Dolphins offensive lineman Richie Incognito, who bears perhaps the douchiest-sounding name in human history, is facing public scorn for allegedly bullying teammate Jonathan Martin by calling him a “half-nigger.” Hall of Fame defensive tackle Warren Sapp piled onto the controversy and claimed that Incognito once called him a “nigger,” which is twice as bad as calling someone a “half-nigger.” A police report filed in 2012 alleges that Incognito also inappropriately touched a woman with his golf club before emptying a water bottle in her face.

In keeping with the modern spirit of unbridled public-sector McCarthyism and ‘round-the-clock ideological witch-hunting, a teacher suggested that a parent who’d complained that his daughter’s school assignment was dripping with left-wing bias may possibly be a neo-Nazi despite the fact that he’s Jewish. It remains unclear what separates so-called “neo-Nazis” from old-school Nazis, although we suspect it’s somehow analogous to the infamous branding struggle between New Coke and Coke Classic.

A sociological study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences examines behavioral patterns on the dating site OKCupid.com, concluding that when selecting dating partners, Asians and Indians display the strongest in-group bias while whites display the weakest.

A writer for Yahoo! Sports, which like Salon.com seems in the process of becoming little more than Jud Suss against white people, targets an obscure California high-school football team known as the “Arabs” who feature an unforgivably racist mascot who, well, looks sort of like an Arab. “To make matters even more insensitive,” wails comically oversensitive scribe Cameron Smith, “the school has a female student dressed as a belly dancer perform for the Arab mascot at halftime.” Sounds awful.

A Brooklyn man was ordered to pay $57.3 million in restitution as part of a Holocaust-survivor scam “that used Russian immigrants to pose as victims of the Nazis.”

Rapper Kanye West, in a move that would be deemed “cultural appropriation” in any other context, wore a jacket emblazoned with a Confederate-flag patch. “I took the Confederate flag and made it my flag,” said the petulant, heavy-lidded performer. “It’s my flag now. Now what are you going to do?”

In Texas, a white candidate for Houston Community College Board of Trustees won an election by issuing campaign materials designed to give voters the impression that he was black. Candidate Dave Wilson distributed fliers that showed smiling black faces and positive references to the sport of basketball. This technique has been used before to great success. (See “Obama, Barack.”)

HITTING THE HATE-SPEECH TRIFECTA
An essay attacking Dove beauty products for being sexist and racist fell short of the Hate-Speech Trifecta by failing to accuse the company of also being homophobic.

In Alberta, school trustee Jim Andre, whose head sort of looks like buttocks with a face painted on them, faced a heap of scorn for Tweeting comments deemed to be racist, sexist, and homophobic.

Surreptitious video from a Chicago bus shows a highly agitated man spewing comments that were also held to be racist, sexist, and homophobic. This was mitigated by the fact that the perpetrator was black, which led some commenters to speculate that he was “mentally ill” rather than evil.

The Southern Poverty Law Center is claiming that Paul Ciancia, who recently opened fire at Los Angeles International Airport, had scribbled a note that reeked of racism, sexism, and homophobia.

Last week it took heavy sedation with the anesthetic that killed Michael Jackson to temporarily cure Taki’s Mag contributor Jim Goad of his racism, sexism, and homophobia”€”emphasis on the “temporarily.”

CRIME, COPS, AND COLONOSCOPIES
New Mexico police are facing a possible civil-rights lawsuit as the result of their treatment of a man whom they claim was clenching his buttocks in a suspicious manner during a routine traffic stop. Sixty-three-year-old David Eckert was subjected to anal probes, three enemas, and finally a colonoscopy, none of which revealed any controlled substances tucked away in his tuchis. Eckert’s lawyer suggests that Hispanic cops singled out Eckert because he was a “white boy” who wasn’t welcome in their part of town.

A California owner of a marijuana dispensary was kidnapped, tortured with a blowtorch, had his penis severed, and doused in bleach by kidnappers during a robbery.

An Atlanta-area couple faces murder charges for allegedly starving their ten-year-old daughter to death and then trying to dispose of her corpse by burning it in a trashcan.

In South Carolina, supporters of a 14-year-old black male who was executed in 1944 after being convicted of beating two white girls to death are petitioning a judge to grant the boy a new trial. If convicted again, it is presumed his corpse will receive the death penalty again, which, all things considered, would be preferable to having a lynch mob kill his corpse.

A “Stop the Violence” basketball tournament in Alabama was disrupted when a shot was fired and hit 19-year-old Donterius Riggins in the neck.