Source: BIgstock

NEW “HARRIET POTTER” BOOK DUE SOON?
JK Rowling is the world’s richest author, so we are horrified to learn that she is a transphobe, and we can’t imagine all the bleach-drinking and wrist-slitting that will occur as the result of her recent horrible decision to “like” a tweet by someone who referred to trannies as “men in dresses.”

On Twitter, women who are raising their children to believe that they’re a different sex than what their genitals would suggest chided Rowling and vowed to protect their confused offspring from her clearly hateful and possibly unforgivable act. Others publicly addressed Rowling—as if she actually has the time to read all their responses—that they felt “hurt” by what she did, and judging from trannies’ behavioral patterns, being hurt often leads to self-harm.

Rowling quickly apologized and blamed her cruel and thoughtless act on her age.

“WOMAN” KEEPS HER PENIS AFTER REALIZING “SHE” IS ATTRACTED TO WOMEN
Jolene Dawson is an Australian man who has demonstrated extreme emotional stability by “coming out” to his lucky parents on three different occasions—first as a gay man, then as a woman, and now as a lesbian. Only 21, he has spent over $70,000 in plastic surgery. This includes jaw slimming, forehead fillers, a boob job, and nose jobs—four of them.

After testing the waters and dating over 100 guys, he has announced to the world—which we don’t believe asked him—that “I’m glad I’ve kept my penis now; that really helps.” He says he prefers having sex with women—but for some reason, he doesn’t acknowledge this makes him the heterosexual man that he was born. Instead, he’s a gay man who then transitioned to a woman and then transitioned into a lesbian—all amid the bloody mist of several plastic-surgery procedures.

As further evidence that “Jolene” is a perfectly normal human being, he plans to have his Adam’s apple removed and his belly button sewn up.

SCHOOLS V. WHITENESS, CONT.
It’s becoming increasingly evident that one of the main things American students learn from their educational institutions is that white people are evil bastards—and even though they don’t even exist, they should be wiped out anyway. We suspect that this has nothing to do with improving students’ verbal and mathematical skills, which is what we thought was the purpose of education in the first place, but it would be far above our station to question the decisions of those to whom we surrender our taxes.

Chicago’s Columbia College is hosting a lecture on April 12 by Paula Ioanide, a white woman who never hesitates to inform you that she is a staunch ally of People of Color, even though they probably didn’t ask her to be one. We will go out on a limb here and predict that her act of speechifyin’, titled “Whiteness in Decline: The Emotional Politics of White Nationalist Resurgence,” will be an attempt by a white woman who doesn’t understand the passions and life experiences of certain other segments of the white population will pretend that she actually does understand them—probably better than they do, which is why she’s reaching out to lecture them in the first place.

The University of Maryland has generously released a new parents’ guideline intended to help them in the undeniably noble quest of “talking to kids about whiteness.” It warns of a “backlash from white-identified people and groups” while neglecting to acknowledge the—hmm, what would you call it…frontlash?…forelash?—from nonwhite-identified people and groups who’ve grown increasingly aggressive in their defamation of anything whiter than a brown paper bag.

Yale is offering a course this semester that reaches out, gently clutches students’ hands, and helps them “understand and counteract ‘whiteness,’ exploring such topics as ‘white imagination,’ ‘white property’ and ‘white speech.”

Two self-professed professors at the University of Colorado at Denver are alleging that scientific objectivity is problematic to, er, um, der, the progress of science, at least when it comes to the not-exactly-scientific mission of dismantling “whiteness.”

But it would be paranoid to suspect that anything is going on here at all, so turn your pale white eyes away and tell yourself it’s not happening.

Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.