June 02, 2014
MILKING HARVEY FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH
Slain homosexual and apparent ephebophile Harvey Milk is now being honored on a United States postage stamp.
Gerald Dols is now a Christian chaplain who says he has abandoned “the homosexual lifestyle.” He claims that the “Boy from Minnesota” character in the Oscar-winning film Milk was based on his relationship with Harvey Milk in the 1970s. Dols says he was a wheelchair-bound teen when Milk encouraged him to flee to California, allegedly adding, “Don’t tell your parents.”
The Mayor of Castro Street, Randy Shilts’s hagiography of the gay-rights icon, alleges that Herr Milk was 33 when he inaugurated a relationship with 16-year-old Jack McKinley, who would later commit suicide. “Harvey always had a penchant for young waifs with substance abuse problems,” Shilts explained.
Milk was also an avid supporter of the Reverend Jim Jones, going so far as to describe the psychotic mass-suicide maestro as “a man of the highest character.”
In a press release celebrating the Harvey Milk postage stamp, the White House referred to him as “a visionary leader.”
THE BUTCHERED ALBINOS OF TANZANIA
In sub-Saharan Africa”which everyone knows was a technologically advanced paradise of ethnic harmony until the white man came and destroyed everything”albinos are being hunted and butchered for their corpses’ alleged magical properties. Sold together as a “set,” the tongue, nose, ears, genitals, and all four limbs of a murdered albino can fetch up to $75,000 on the Tanzanian black market”roughly 170 times the nation’s yearly per-capita income. Parents have been known to hand over their children to be murdered in exchange for cash. It is believed that consuming albinos’ ground genitals can enhance sexual potency and that sleeping with living albinos can cure HIV. Fishermen weave the hair of albinos into their nets hoping it will increase their haul. Miners grind albino bones and bury them underground, believing that the bone dust will magically sprout into diamonds.
An estimated 73 albinos have been killed in Tanzania since 2000, although the number is thought to be low. On May 13, two “witch doctors” hacked an albino woman to death. According to Tanzanian Archbishop Paul Ruzoka, those who prey upon albinos “move stealthily at night, like a lion in the jungle; great beasts that pull children from their huts and devour them.”
The nation of Turkey has now announced plans to construct a sanctuary in Tanzania for the African nation’s persecuted albino minority. Good luck with all that, Turkey.
MEDICARE ENTERS THE GENITAL-MUTILATION BUSINESS
Last Friday the US Department of Health and Human Services lifted a 33-year-old ban on providing Medicare coverage for “gender reassignment surgery.” Although such procedures can cost up to $50,000 and some psychologists still view gender dysphoria as a delusion rather than the legitimate concerns of someone literally trapped in the wrong body, this is being hailed as a civil-rights victory rather than an extra burden on taxpayers. Then again, all civil-rights victories seem to become extra burdens on taxpayers. It’s almost as if the two are inseparable.
PLANET OF FATTIES
A recent study funded by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation reveals that waistlines have expanded across the globe since 1980, leaving the planet in danger of imploding under the weight of the estimated 2.1 billion people worldwide who are overweight or obese. Please, citizens of Earth, we implore you”put down the donut and walk away.
