John Cowell

Source: Oakland Police Department

COME TO PARIS, GET AN S.T.D.
If you’re planning on visiting France this summer to romp with the unshaved natives, you’d be wise to pack a few condoms.

Recent stats issued by Public Health France show that cases of gonorrhea and chlamydia—the latter of which we still insist is a nonexistent disease created by doctors just to mess with our heads, just as “nougat” is a fictional confection that no one has ever been able to adequately define—more than tripled between 2012 and 2016. Because we are good people, we are absolutely certain that this statistical spike is in no way related to the recent influx of humble, persecuted “refugees” who all happen to be virile, breeding-age males with smartphones, designer sneakers, and a proclivity for rapin’.

In short, if you don’t want to come down with the “clap” or the “clam,” stay away from the Frogs.

AFRICAN BOAT PEOPLE LAND ON NUDE BEACH, STARTLING NUDE TOURISTS
In further news of Mamma Europa’s ongoing enrichment, nude sunbathers at a Spanish beach were shocked and awed at the sight of around 30 coal-black African “migrants” who’d launched from Morocco storming the beach in a rubber dinghy after evading the coast guard, then running into the nearby woods to evade the border police.

Also last week in the Spanish autonomous city of Ceuta, which is located in Morocco, over 600 African “migrants” were able to scale a fence over 20 feet high armed with flamethrowers, feces, stones, Molotov cocktails, and bottles filled with quicklime, which they sprayed on police, burning at least a dozen of them. If you want to see what Europe’s future looks like, look no further.

In its endless attempt to prove that untrammeled immigration is a great thing for Germany, our friends in Antifa hold an annual “anti-racist” soccer tournament. Unfortunately, this year’s festivities spun out of control when an ultraviolent clash broke out between one team, allegedly composed primarily of Arabs, and another, which was comprised mostly of sub-Saharan Africans.

LOUISIANA JUDGE: JEWS ARE A RACIAL GROUP
Jews—religion or race? It’s an age-old question. Granted, one can’t “convert” from white to black like one can convert to Judaism. Then again, the term “anti-Semitism” is almost always framed as “racism” rather than anti-religious bias. And if it’s strictly a religion, that doesn’t explain the large quotient of Jewish atheists, now does it?

A federal judge in Louisiana recently issued a precedent-setting decision in a civil case filed by Joshua Bonadona, a Christian whose mother was Jewish and who claims he was denied a job coaching football at his Baptist alma mater because he says the school’s president told him he is disqualified due to his “Jewish blood.”

In his decision in favor of Bonadona, U.S. Magistrate Mark Hornsby wrote:

Modern sociologists and anthropologists, especially with advancements in DNA studies, debate whether Judaism is a people, a religion, or both. There is no doubt, however, that many people have and continue to view being Jewish as a racial identity….Jewish citizens have been excluded from certain clubs or neighborhoods, and they have been denied jobs and other opportunities based on the fact that they were Jewish, with no particular concern as to a given individual’s religious leanings. Thus, they have been treated like a racial or ethnic group that Title VII was designed to protect from employment discrimination based on membership in that group.

Unless we’ve been sniffing too much airplane glue, the judge appears to be saying that Jews constitute a racial group. Coincidentally, this is exactly what Hitler said.

MAXINE WATERS SAYS GOD IS ON HER SIDE
Look out, Donald Trump—Maxine Waters has a secret weapon under her James Brown wig, and his name is God.

Insisting that Russia, rather than the Electoral College, installed Donald Trump as president, Miz Waters took the podium at the First African Methodist Church in LA—where Africans apparently practice various methods in a completely non-racist and non-self-interested way—hootin’ and hollerin’ and shakin’ and bakin’ about how the “social Internet” spreads lies intended to frighten and intimidate black people into submission, but doggone it, she’s fixin’ to act a fool regardless:

I don’t know intimidation. I don’t know fear….There’s nothing like a wounded animal….You’ve gotta know that I’m here to do the work that I was sent to do, and as pastor said to me when I came in this morning, when God sends you to do something, you just do it!…So I have a message I’m going back to Washington tomorrow morning, I’m going to tell them pastor told me to come here and just do it!

In June, Trump referred to Waters as “an extraordinarily low IQ person,” which only serves to further prove that he has the best comedic instincts of any politician who’s ever lived.

Waters, for her part, is being taken seriously as a Democratic contender for president in 2020. Dear God, if you’re nearly as funny as President Trump is, please make this happen.

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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.