Alejandro Alvarez Villegas

Source: Whittier Police Department

ISRAEL NOW OFFICIALLY AN ETHNOSTATE
A fundamental human right is that of an ethnic group to secure an existence and a future for its children.

That’s why it brings us great joy to announce that, after dipping its toes in the water for 70 years, the state of Israel has finally taken the plunge and defined itself as the Jewish people’s national homeland. Hip-hip-hooray, ye Hebrews! According to a new bill that squeaked past the Knesset, “the realization of the right to national self-determination in Israel is unique to the Jewish people.”

On Monday, Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” praised the bill as “very important to guarantee the foundations of our existence, which is Israel as the nation-state of the Jewish people.”

It’s really heartwarming that Israel gets to do this and nobody else does.

In an unexpected temporary burst of fairness, billionaire wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg recently told an interviewer that Facebook would permit “Holocaust deniers” to spew their toxic bilge because it would be technically impossible to determine whether their intent was malicious. After breathing a few times, Zuckerberg quickly clarified his statement and said that of course one can’t challenge the Holocaust narrative with anything but malicious intent, because he has personally pried into the brains of Holocaust revisionists and was able to read them as if they were tea leaves.

DISNEY FIRES GUNN FOR PEDO JOKES
The Walt Disney Company was founded by some Nazi guy, which led to an understandable buyout by a group of more culturally acceptable stewards.

Because the media giant now stands for everything good, it was recently forced to fire director James Gunn, who made his bones directing the billion-dollar Guardians of the Galaxy films.

At the risk of sounding indelicate, Gunn looks like a child molester. A series of his recently unearthed tweets would only heighten those natural suspicions:

Expendables is so manly I fucked the shit out of the pussy boy next to me.

The best thing about being raped is when you’re done being raped and it’s like ‘whew this feels great, not being raped!’

I remember my first NAMBLA meeting. It was the first time I felt ok being who I am.

I’m doing a big Hollywood film adaptation of The Giving Tree with a happy ending — the tree grows back and gives the kid a blowjob.

I like it when little boys touch me in my silly place.

‘Eagle Snatches Kid’ is what I call it when I get lucky

On Gunn’s website—which is now shut down but has been preserved on the Wayback Machine—there was a page where he noted that his friend Huston Huddleston, now a convicted pedophile, had sent him a video called 100 Pubescent Girls Touch Themselves and a note that read, “I thought you’d appreciate this.” Gunn’s reply was, “Appreciate it?!! I just came all over my own face!!’”

There is now one less pedo in Hollywood, but there are plenty more where that came from.

OBAMA SAYS DUDES ARE GETTING ON HIS NERVES
Failed President Barack Obama paused between salt rubs and pedicures recently to announce that more women need to get into politics because men are acting like men again, and we can’t have that. While Obama was speaking at the podium for an Obama Foundation event, a woman in the audience asked him how do we go about cramming more vaginas into politics. The floppy-eared half-breed answered:

Women in particular…I want you to get more involved. Because men have been getting on my nerves lately….I mean, every day I read the newspaper and I just think like, ‘Brothers, what’s wrong with you guys? What’s wrong with us?’ I mean, we’re violent, we’re bullying. You know, just not handling our business. So I think empowering more women on the continent — that right away is going to lead to some better policies.

Shortly after delivering his answer, Obama walked offstage and into the green room, where he received a vigorous pegging by his wife Michelle.

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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.