Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird

Source: Wikimedia Commons

THOUSANDS OF NAKED, ANTI-GAY KENYANS PREPARE TO GREET OBAMA
This week when Barack Obama visits his ancestral homeland of Kenya”€”where it’s still illegal for men to play with one another’s bone-bones”€”he may be greeted by the spectacle of 5,000 naked male and female black heterosexuals.

Vincent Kidala, spokesman for the nation’s tiny Republican Liberty Party, says that he plans to gather around 5,000 nude protestors in defiance of Obama’s recent endorsement of gay marriage:

The procession shall be carried out by approximately 5,000 totally naked men and women to protest over Obama’s open and aggressive support for homosexuality….In fact our party has a network of prostitutes in Nairobi, Nakuru and other counties. This is where we shall get all these people whose number we expect to increase.

Kidala says that the prostitutes are getting involved because they fear losing business if homosexuality were to be legalized. God bless these girls and keep them fresh and clean-smelling; Lord knows that no one works harder for the money than an African prostitute.

TECH GIANT SAMSUNG ACCUSED OF JEW-BASHING
A protracted public dispute regarding a takeover deal between two companies affiliated with Korean tech giant Samsung has imploded with accusations of anti-Semitism followed by the requisite apologies and public declarations that anti-Semitism is bad and evil and wrong and problematic and unacceptable.

For months, a Samsung company featured cartoons depicting Jewish hedge-fund manager Paul Singer”€”who owns stock in Samsung”€”as a large, big-beaked vulture preying upon poor, unsuspecting Koreans. This was compounded when a business columnist for a Korean website that featured Samsung ads wrote:

Jews are known to wield enormous power on Wall Street and in global financial circles….Jewish money has long been known to be ruthless and merciless.

Proving quite clearly that they have no financial power or influence, Jews got involved and immediately received apologies as well as the swift removal of all the offending material.

ESTABLISHING SEXUAL CONSENT THROUGH A SMARTPHONE APP
Since the matter of consent is basically a he said/she said matter when it comes to rape cases, and since our society and legal system automatically tend to believe “she” rather than “he,” well-meaning men who don’t want to falsely be accused of rape now have a tech tool that can spare them that potential horror.

Called We-Consent, the app records both participants stating their names, the name of the person with whom they are about to have sex, and that they fully consent to engaging in this activity. Sure, it’s a boner-killer, but still not as bad as having to fight a false rape beef. The app is designed so that it recognizes human faces as it records them making a 20-second statement which is then filed away in case it needs to be used in a future criminal case.

Anti-rape activists, those fun-loving scamps, are freaking out because they claim this app is based on the idea that women make false rape allegations”€”which they insist is an extremely rare if not entirely nonexistent phenomenon, even though it isn’t.

KANSAS MAYOR BOASTS THAT HIS TOWN IS NO LONGER QUITE SO WHITE
Mark Holland, the Democratic Mayor of Kansas City, KS, complained back in 2010 that his city’s police and fire department were too white. In a recent speech to the National Council of La Raza“€”a Hispanic organization dedicated by its very name to “The Race””€”he claims he is busting at the seams with pride that his city, which was still 52% white as recently as 2010, is now only 40% white:

Kansas City, Kansas, is a city with no ethnic majority. Kansas City, Kansas, is 40 percent white, 28 percent Latino, and 26 percent African-American….Our school district speaks 62 different languages by the children every single day….I want to close by saying we just couldn”€™t be more proud that La Raza is here in Kansas City and it’s an honor to be able to greet you.

At press time, we were unable to verify whether La Raza was responsible for the reported theft of Holland’s hubcaps.