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SQUEAKY-CLEAN SITCOM “FRIENDS” DEEMED TOO “PROBLEMATIC” FOR THE CURRENT YEAR
If you’ve ever suffered the misfortune of watching the unreasonably popular and successful NBC sitcom Friends, you may have walked away with the impression that it was as antiseptic as a mouthful of Listerine.

Not so, says a burgeoning wave of millennials who, starved for real, throbbing, juicy expressions of honest-to-goodness hatred against their chosen protected groups, must expand their definition of “hatred” and struggle with every waking breath to find new reasons for taking offense.

Whereas during its initial run, the chief cast members of Friends seemed merely vapid, empty, inoffensive, annoying, and soulless, we find now in 2018 that they are homophobic, transphobic, sexist bigots with a startling lack of nonwhite friends.

We’ll have to give that show another chance.

SCHOOL FOR GIRLS TELLS TEACHERS NOT TO CALL THE GIRLS “GIRLS”

Located in the English city of Manchester—which, if you really think about it, is a very patriarchal name for a city—the Altrincham Grammar School for Girls has been teaching girls and calling them “girls” for over a century, but this has now ended.

Even though gender is a social construct, the school is only open to girls and boys who pretend they’re girls. If you’re a boy who wants to do something stupid and hateful such as claiming that you’re a boy, you are NOT welcome at this school.

So as not to offend the transgender girls who attend the Altrincham Grammar School for Girls, the school recently banned teachers from referring to any of its students as “girls.”

In an official statement, the school explained that it didn’t want the boys who think they’re girls to feel weird or anything:

It’s important our students feel comfortable and able to bring their true selves to the learning environment. We welcome and celebrate diversity at our school and we will look at any measure, however small, to ensure the wellbeing of our staff and students.

As we see it, boys who think they’re girls are not in tune with their “true selves,” and in order to “celebrate diversity” and make a tiny quotient of freaks feel “comfortable,” it doesn’t mind making the roaring majority of girls at this all-girls’ school feel uncomfortable.

In a world where it’s forbidden to refer to girls as girls, only insanity is possible.