Hillary Clinton

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Bumptious, Scrumptious, and Presumptuous Headlines

FEAR AND SCHLONGING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
Donald Trump, who according to rumor is secretly planning to name our Solar System after himself before he dies, launched an “Astonishingly Sexist Attack” on the diminutive and lovable Hillary Clinton last week while speaking before a crowd of nearly 10,000 rabid bigots in Grand Rapids, MI.

In the midst of yet another one of his gloriously meandering improvised speeches, Trump used the word “disgusting” three times within six seconds in reference to Clinton’s much-ballyhooed extra-long bathroom break during the most recent Democratic debate”€”her second such break in three debates.

In the process of defaming Clinton, Trump made the comment that will forever be known in global politics as The Schlonging:

She was going to beat Obama. I don”€™t know who”€™d be worse. I don”€™t know. How does it get worse? She was favored to win and she got schlonged. She lost. She lost.

People screamed in outrage, accusing Trump of wielding a huge phallic symbol with which to beat the frail, vulnerable Clinton upside the head. Some saw an even more sinister meaning in Trump’s statement, alleging he fed into stereotypes about rampaging black male sexuality and their demonstrated statistical propensity to rape, asserting that the “schlong” in question belonged to Barack Hussein Obama.

No sane person would doubt that if the general election came down to a contest between Trump and Clinton, a masterful needler such as Trump would get under her skin and thoroughly schlong her every time the twain locked horns.

HISPANIC GRANDMOTHERS REMIND HILLARY CLINTON THAT SHE’s NOT A HISPANIC GRANDMOTHER
The “racial dialogue” that we’re supposed to be having is so tilted and one-sided, Republicans constantly get accused of racially pandering to white people, although it’s difficult”€”perhaps even impossible”€”to find even one example of a Republican explicitly making an appeal to white group interests.

Democrats, on the other hand, are always openly and shamelessly reaching out to nonwhites. There’s Bernie Sanders pandering to the dusky urban community by chumming around with his big fat black rapper pal, Killer Mike. And Hillary Clinton recently festooned her Twitter page with an openly pandering image of a solidly black wall of Clinton supporters.

But Frau Clinton’s recent outreach campaign to Hispanics has blown up in her face like a loud, wet, post-Taco Bell fart.

Clinton’s website recently featured an inane listicle titled “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your abuela,” the latter term a synonym for “grandmother” used widely among those vibrant brown peoples from south of the American border whose mean IQ is perched roughly between that of American whites and blacks and who enrich our nation in so many ways, people find it hard to articulate exactly how.

The article apparently chafed the overworked inner thighs of countless Hispanic grandmas and inspired a severe online backlash accusing Miz Clinton of “Hispandering.” Self-described Latinas called Clinton an out-of-touch privileged and clueless white woman trying to use their racial struggle as a political prop.

This sort of thing is quite delicious to observe, just as it’s always a source of sublime pleasure to watch a clueless white progressive get eaten alive by the exotic pet animals they’ve imported into the country in a blind quest to untangle the Gordian Knot that is their personal ethnic guilt complex.

FEDERAL COURT ALLOWS A GROUP OF SLANTS TO CALL THEMSELVES “€œTHE SLANTS”€
Last week a US appeals court overturned part of a federal law that had banned “offensive” trademarks, which may help the Washington Redskins retain their respectful and attractive logos featuring a noble and mighty Red Man.

Specifically, the decision vacated the Patent and Trademark Office’s refusal to register the name of The Slants, an all-Asian rock quartet from Portland, OR.

Other trademarks formerly ruled disparaging that may get a second chance at life after this ruling include AmishHomo, Heeb, Abort the Republicans, Stop the Islamisation of America, Sex Rod, Marriage is for Fags, Fagdog, N.I.G.G.A. (Naturally Intelligent God Gifted Africans), Dangerous Negro, and Stinky Gringo.

It is truly a wondrous day for free speech in this great land of ours.