President Donald Trump

Source: Wikimedia Commons

“FIRST MODERN LESBIAN” GETS ERASED
Although we find lesbians to be endlessly annoying and we also wonder why there suddenly seem to be so many of them, we would probably have to agree that “erasing” them seems a little mean.

Anne Lister was a clam-digging Daughter of Sappho who is described as the “first modern lesbian” for reasons we suspect have something to do with shaving her pubic hair.

In 1834 she wed her lesbian lover Ann Walker at the Holy Trinity Church in the English city of York. Despite everything the Bible says about homosexuality being uncool and how it makes God nauseous, the church recently honored Walker’s cunnilingual exploits with a blue plaque that described her thusly:

Gender-nonconforming entrepreneur. Celebrated marital commitment, without legal recognition, to Ann Walker in this church. Easter, 1834.

Referring to her as “gender-nonconforming” rather than a “lesbian” further inflamed the perpetually chafed thighs of the lesbian community, who saw the description as a concession to the trans activists and as disrespectful to the women who identify as women and want to have sex with women.

According to a Change.org petition which apparently seeks to squeeze the word “lesbian” somewhere on the plaque:

Anne Lister was, most definitely, gender non conforming all her life. She was also however, a lesbian. That is why she took vows with her girlfriend in that church, because they were in love with each other and wanted to express that same sex love – the very definition of lesbianism.

Despite what your sexual narcissism may tell you, we care very little about whether you’re a lesbian or “gender non-conforming” or both. The problem is that you’re annoying.

GREEKS BREEDING SUPER-DONKEYS TO HANDLE SUPER-FAT ENGLISH TOURISTS
British and American tourists vacationing in Greece are so fat, they’re crippling the poor donkeys they use to climb steep cobbled hills rather than getting off their fat asses and attempting to climb the steps themselves. According to the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, Great Britain is Western Europe’s tubbiest nation. Nearly two-thirds of UK adults are overweight and a quarter of them are clinically obese. In response, Greek merchants in the donkey trade are breeding their animals with cross-breed mules in order to tote these Anglo-Saxon lard-asses up the sparkling hillsides of the Greek isles.

One way for indigenous Britons to shape up and trim the flab would be to engage in ceaseless hand-to-hand street combat with the Mohammedan invaders who are treating their country like a roll of toilet paper, but we suspect that for your average Anglo, the lure of sausage rolls and cheesy chips remains far too tempting. We would remind such folks that it’s impossible to eat a bag of crisps when your head has been lopped off with a scimitar.

RIOTS COMING IN SOUTH AFRICA?
We’ve been straining and squirming and struggling and squinting for one example of a sub-Saharan country where conditions improved after decolonization, only to be disappointed at every turn.

After South African President Cyril Ramaphosa recently announced plans that would strip white people of their land without compensation, he predicted it would improve the economy, but almost no one who understands economics agrees with him. Instead, they are predicting “huge food shortages and riots on the streets.”

Although that is alarming, take a small comfort in the fact that it’ll happen in a land far, far away. Things won’t get that bad in these parts for another twenty years or so.

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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.