“PUNISH A MUSLIM DAY” FIZZLES OUT; NO MUSLIMS HARMED
Concern and alarm and paranoia and fear and terror and anger and much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments erupted in England recently after anonymous letters circulated urging that Tuesday, April 3 should be celebrated as “Punish a Muslim Day” in that once very non-Islamic country. Sent out to residences and businesses alike, the flyer described what one newspaper calls “a disturbing point-based system that would award attackers for acts of hatred and violence.” For example, while verbally abusing a Muslim would garner you only 10 points, you’d hit the jackpot for “butchering a Muslim using a gun, knife, vehicle or otherwise”—that yields a whopping 500 points.

But alas, Tuesday April 3 came and went and no Muslims were punished. Clearly the event’s organizers were incompetent.

FLORIDA D.N.C. MEMBER URGED TO RESIGN FOR FAILING TO USE UNNECESSARY PREPOSITION
John Parker, a DNC member from Duval County, Florida, is facing heat from fellow Democrats because he slipped up and forgot to use the approved (although unnecessary and less grammatically elegant) phrase “people of color” and instead referred to them as “colored people,” which is not only unforgivable, it really should be a felony.

“I misspoke and used the term colored people when I meant people of color,” Parker confessed to the world back in February as if anyone should ever in a million years forgive him for this.

Even Parker’s wife is publicly calling for him to resign, which only proves that she is a loyal and devoted partner. She said that making this public demand had been “painful and awkward” for her but appeared not to have wondered nor cared how painful and awkward she was making it for her hubby.

Activist Diallo-Sekou Seabrooks—the names really say it all sometimes—said that Parker’s “Jim Crow terminology” was “unacceptable” as if Parker had asked him to accept it in the first place.

THE YOUNGER YOU ARE, THE FLATTER THE EARTH
A recent poll from British marketing firm YouGov finds that 94% of adults over 55 say they have always believed the Earth is round, while a robust third of those aged 18 to 24 say that at one point or another in their lives they have believed that our planet is flat or some other shape. Aren’t old people supposed to be dumb and superstitious while the young’uns are smart and logical? The survey also found that flat-Earthers tend to come from the lower rungs of our economic hierarchy.

The Earth is flat? What sort of nonsense are they going to try to tell us next—that everyone is equal?

IMMIGRATION: THE BOTSWANA SOLUTION
Although Donald Trump has been ruthlessly and rabidly criticized for his perfectly sensible and highly sentimental plan to build a wall along our southern border, police in the lovely and chocolatey African country of Botswana are handling illegal aliens the old-fashioned way: They’re beating them. Rumors have emerged that Zimbabwean refugees who’ve fled to Botswana just to seek a better life and a fair shake at securing one of the country’s millions of tech and financial-sector jobs are being harassed and bludgeoned by a few bad eggs and violent knuckleheads in Botswana’s law-enforcement sector. A statement read in Botswana’s senate—which we presume convenes in some mud hut somewhere—detailed the brutalities inflicted upon the Zimbabweans:

They could hardly walk and had wounds all over their bodies. They submitted that they had been beaten up by both the Botswana police and the traditional chief courts.

Now, obviously, we need to make it brutally clear that we aren’t suggesting the best way to fight the flood of illegals spilling into our nation from our southern border is to beat and maim them. It’s just that we never considered it before.

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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.