ZEITUNI ONYANGO
We’ve encountered cockroaches with more appealing personalities. Obama’s half-aunt, this South Boston slum-dwelling welfare leech received brief notoriety just prior to the 2008 presidential election but appears to have been silenced by her half-nephew’s campaign, allegedly telling a reporter, “I can’t talk about it….After [November] 4th, I can talk to anyone.” She moved from Kenya to the US in 2000 and unsuccessfully applied for asylum in 2002. Her request was denied in 2004, but she stayed obstinately planted in free Boston public housing while receiving a monthly disability check. She was finally granted asylum in 2010 and arrogantly told a CBS reporter, “I didn’t ask for it; they gave it to me. I didn’t create it or vote for it. Go and ask your system….If I come as an immigrant, you have the obligation to make me a citizen.”

SAMSON OBAMA
The president’s Kenya-based cell-phone-peddling half-brother was found to have once lived illegally in Britain for seven years. In November of 2008, he was arrested in Berkshire for tailing a group of young females—one of whom was only 13—into a coffee shop, at which point he “became aggressive” and “allegedly tried to sexually assault one of them.” He reportedly gave false ID to questioning officers, claiming his name was Henry Aloo. En route from Kenya to Washington, DC in January 2009, he was denied permission to re-enter Britain due to the earlier incident. Immigration allowed him to stay in the airport overnight, after which he flew to our nation’s capital to attend his famous brother’s inauguration.

A’BONGO MALIK “ROY” OBAMA
We’re not sure where he gets “Roy” out of all that, and we’re not interested enough to research it. But this radical-Muslim polygamist once reportedly said that the black man—we’re assuming he meant all black men rather than an unspecified single black man—must “liberate himself from the poisoning influences of European culture.” We agree. He also once allegedly reassured America’s Jews that his half-brother Barack would do good by them “despite his Muslim background.” In May, the National Legal and Policy Center filed a complaint with the IRS, charging him with claiming that his organization is a tax-exempt, federally funded nonprofit outfit, while they say he’s lying through his dazzlingly white teeth. His charity organization is somewhat deceptively dubbed the Barack H. Obama Foundation, but it’s named after his dark-chocolate father rather than his mocha-tinted half-brother. According to critics, evidence of his organization’s do-gooding does not extend beyond photos on his website.

GEORGE OBAMA
In August 2008 as election battle lines had been drawn between Barack Obama and John McCain, the Italian edition of Vanity Fair leaked the embarrassing news that Obama’s half-brother George was living amid squalor in Nairobi, “earning less than a dollar a day.” Shortly after his brother’s election, Kenyan police arrested George Obama for allegedly possessing a full joint’s worth of marijuana. George later said that the Vanity Fair report was “exaggerated” and that people in his slum make up to five dollars a day. George said he had a “relatively privileged childhood” that he squandered on “drink and drugs” after becoming a “gun-toting gangster” and spending a year in prison for robbery. “Many people presume I have a direct line to the White House,” he wrote, “but I don’t.”

MARK OKOTH OBAMA NDESANDJO
Barack Obama’s well-educated light-skinned half-brother currently resides in China, running an Internet business that Chinese officials have suggested runs afoul of tax laws. Critics have accused him of “helping to promote cheap Chinese exports” to the detriment of America’s economy. He also accused Barack Obama Sr. of beating him as a child. “I could not remember any good things about my father,” he has said. “My skin had turned hard emotionally for so many years.” Still, we’re not nearly as bothered by any of that as we are by whatever that thing is he’s wearing on his head.