James Earl Carter

Source: Public Domain

The Week’s Most Aching, Staking, and Resolution-Breaking Headlines

MALAISE AT REST
Jimmy Carter has passed, and whatever your political affiliation, everyone can agree that it’s tragic when one dies so young.

No one’s certain how old the former president was, but now that he’s dead they can saw him in half and count the rings.

Of course, there was the usual outpouring of sympathy from political figures left and right. Especially hard-hit was Kamala Harris, who told the AP, “He was the best stage prop I ever had. He was like Señor Wences’ head-in-the-box. I’d say, ‘S’awright?’ and he’d say, ‘Bluuuuuuuuuurgh.’ It was a real hit at parties.”

Not that everyone’s mourning. Word has it that his grave will be protected 24/7 against micturition from 1980 U.S. Olympic hopefuls. Indeed, when Carter told the Soviets in April 1980, “I will never oppose you militarily because I abhor violence, but I’ll punish you by boycotting your Olympics so that the USSR can win a record amount of gold,” it’s said that somewhere in the Kremlin there’s an old Party apparatchik still laughing uncontrollably.

One mourner told the AP that he’ll most remember the humble farmer from Georgia for the time he clubbed a drowning rabbit to death. The mourner, identified only as “E. Fudd,” said, “All those years I twied to kill that wabbit…and it nevah occurred to me to dwown him.”

Carter’s survived by millions of Americans who as children in 1979 sat in the back of the family station wagon for two hours as it inched ever closer to the pump, asking Dad, “Why can’t we just buy gas and leave?” and Dad would reply while smoking his tenth unfiltered Winston with all the windows closed, “Ask that sonofabitchin’ peanut prick,” then Mom would finish her twelfth Newport, manually roll down the window, toss out the butt just as the car pulled up to the pump, and everyone would die in a hellish conflagration of seared flesh, the screams from which still haunt the survivors to this day.

And that’s why Reagan won in a landslide.

Jimmy Carter: a grand legacy.

REDHEADED DANGER
Music icon Willie Nelson tirelessly campaigned for Kamala Harris. Or whatever passes for “tireless” among potheads.

Nelson loved Harris’ soft-on-crime policies. And her tiebreaking vote to add $30 billion in funding and 87,000 new agents to the IRS (yes, the man whose life was nearly ruined by the IRS wants more IRS…there’s that pothead brilliance at work!). But most of all, Nelson loved Harris’ desire to allow the homeless to rule the streets. As Nelson explained, as a man who was once homeless himself (because the IRS took his house), it’s vital that every bum be allowed his alley of choice.

On the road again,
Put homeless people on the road again,
Where they can sidewalk-poop and shoot up with their friends,
Put the homeless on the road again.

On the road again,
Get the loonies on the road again,
Schizophrenia is every junkie’s friend,
Let ’em slash pedestrians on the road again!

In Downtown Austin there’s a giant mural of Nelson on the side of a two-story structure. It’s Nelson’s pride and joy. And it’s about to be demolished.

Why?

Homeless people doing meth set fire to the building; it had to be condemned.

Now that’s satisfying!

And it gets better: Nelson praised Harris’ love of identity politics. And when the mural’s fans went to the Austin City Council to ask that the mural be declared a historical landmark, this is the rejection they received:

“The property does not appear to possess a significant feature that contributes to the cultural identity of the city or a particular demographic group.”

Homeless destroyed the building, identity politics doomed the mural.

In the immortal words of another Nelson, “HAW-HAW!”

VERY ANGRY BIRDS
Sometimes you kill the birds, and sometimes the birds kill you.

Last week was a bad one for air travel. First, 38 people were killed when Russian forces shot down an Azerbaijan Airlines passenger jet bound for Chechnya. The plane was carrying the Azerbaijan chapter of the Tucker Carlson Fan Club, and according to the in-flight recorder, as the plane was plummeting to earth the passengers were shouting things like “Putin has historical context for shooting us down,” “We die happily because Putin is BASED!” and “At least we were murdered by someone who looks good without a shirt!”

Putin apologized for the incident without admitting fault, leading 3-year-olds the world over to say, “Oooh, he’s good.”

According to The Wall Street Journal, getting shot down by missiles has now become the No. 1 risk for air travelers.

No. 2? Concrete walls erected by idiots.

The horrific crash of the Jeju Air passenger plane in South Korea is all the more horrific in that it was totally avoidable. The plane suffered “birdstrike” upon approach, but the pilot did everything right; with the landing gear not operational, he kept the flaps up to bring the plane in glider-style.

And it would’ve worked, too, except years ago the Korean version of Barney Fife was like, “Gawsh, ya know what we need at the end of the runway? A big thick concrete wall. That’ll keep them damn planes off the grass.”

Without that wall, the jet would’ve glided until it lost momentum. Most experts interviewed on the matter suggest that the passengers would’ve survived. Experts also pointed out that other airports don’t do anything nearly as retarded as erect crash-test walls at the end of runways.

Maybe the U.S. really has absorbed all the high-IQ Koreans.

If there’s a bright side, it’s common in South Korea for those responsible for mass-casualty events to commit suicide. If the wall builders follow suit, it might raise the average a bit on the nation’s collective intelligence.

SAVED BY THE BELL CURVE
“Brain rot” was named the Oxford Word of the Year for 2024. Although typically applied to the deleterious cognitive effects on young people of too much time online, the term coincidentally applies to the political controversy that engulfed the final weeks of the year.

Vivek Ramaswamy managed to turn the entire MAGA base against him last week by slamming the U.S. as “mediocre” because of American TV viewing habits, tweeting “A culture that venerates Cory from ‘Boy Meets World,’ or Zach & Slater over Screech in ‘Saved by the Bell,’ or ‘Stefan’ over Steve Urkel in ‘Family Matters,’ will not produce the best engineers.”

Say this for Vivek: He obviously hasn’t watched TV since 1996.

And that was his downfall. Because MAGAs are, if anything, culturally hip. Within minutes Ramasswhammy was community-noted. Not about visas, but sitcoms:

“In ‘Saved By the Bell’ Zach Morris scored a 1502 on the SAT and was admitted to Yale.”

Vivek, trying to be more current with his references, shot back, “Okay, what I meant was that a culture that venerates the brute strength of the Six Million Dollar Man will not produce the best engineers.”

Community note: “Steve Austin was a brilliant astronaut, test pilot, and USAF colonel.”

Vivek: “Okay, okay. What I meant is that any culture that values the mindless fistfights of Wild Wild West will not produce the best engineers.”

Community note: “James West was an archaeologist and West Point grad who worked in government intelligence.”

Vivek: “Sorry, sorry. Here’s what I meant: Any culture that venerates the destructive antics of Dennis the Menace will not produce the best engineers.”

Community note: “The generation of Dennis the Menace took us to the Moon.”

Vivek: [Long pause] “Hello I am Christopher Smith from Microsoft Security…your computer has malware.”

Poor Vivek…normally it’s the Indians who leave the poo, not step in it.

BREAKING MALO
Who’d have thought that Mexican drug cartels have laboratories?

Half the Mexican population doesn’t even have lavatories.

But yes, according to the NY Times the cartels have set up makeshift labs to test new variations of drugs like fentanyl on animals and homeless people.

Upon reading the news, Fauci eagerly blurted out, “Homeless people? You mean I can conduct deadly experiments on caged beagles and captive humans? Book me a one-way ticket to Sinaloa!”

To be fair, according to the article, the cartels offer the homeless $30 to be injected with experimental drugs, with the results usually being fatal.

They say you shouldn’t give cash to the homeless, but I think most Americans are okay with it in that context. Indeed, if the cartels ever run out of test subjects, perhaps Trump can work out a trade: America gets the Baja Peninsula and the cartels get everyone on every skid row in the U.S.

Now that news of cartel animal torture is out, will we see America’s animal rights and “environmentalist” fanatics traveling south of the border to protest? Will they block Mexican roads? Glue themselves to Mexican highways? Deface Mexican art?

Well, the latter would be an empty gesture; you can’t deface graffiti.

More than likely, the “principled” green anarchists will stay on the side of the border where they can wreak havoc knowing that their heads won’t end up on a pike.

According to the Times, animals are also used by the cartels to test for bad product. Hens are injected, and if they don’t die, the narcotic is too weak. In one case the “hen test” was used to discover that the cartel had been sent “a ‘very diluted’ supply of the chemical ingredients from China.”

No Chinaman can fool a beaner and his chickens.

Apparently the cartel is also working on a “superwhore serum” that would create a puta who could service a thousand American frat boys a night in Tijuana.