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The Week’s Most Leary, Dreary, and New Yeary Headlines

INMATE, OUTMATE
Biden concluded 2024 by commuting the sentences of every federal death row inmate, including child-killers and mass murderers. He left only three behind: “Young Bieber”-haired moppet Dylann Roof, who killed nine black worshippers in a church; growly Robert Bowers, who murdered eleven elderly Jews in a synagogue; and Kyrgyzstan’s gift to America Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, who bombed the Boston Marathon out of jealousy because Bostonians love stretching their vowels yet he comes from a nation with none.

Amazingly, the families of Roof’s victims slammed Biden for not sparing Roof. To which every white American exclaimed, “Blacks not wanting to kill a white? A Christmas miracle!”

Meanwhile at the L.A. Times, a newspaper so foul monkeys fling it at poo (Angelenos walking down the street have been known to use a dog turd to scrape the L.A. Times off their shoes), the paper ran a three-page plea for Governor Newsom to outright release serial killer Michael Cox, a man on California death row for the 1984 slaying of three teenage women, two of whom were sisters (triplets, but the third girl survived).

Sure, the Times argues, Cox was a drifter who was darkly obsessed with the teens; he’d routinely drive through town shouting at them, “Fuck you, sluts, whores, and bitches.”

The Times claims Cox was “framed” by his mentally retarded underage bride with webbed feet, who, with the IQ of a child and the feet of a duck, somehow masterminded a plot against Cox (a web of deceit). That cops found a bevy of weapons in Cox’s car after the murder is, according to the Times, irrelevant.

Missing from the story is its central lesson: If you don’t want to be accused of the brutal murder of three teen girls, don’t follow them around in your car shouting “sluts, whores, and bitches.” Otherwise, you’ve no reason to act surprised when those women end up carved like a Walmart butterball and you’re suspected.

Very simple wisdom…lost on the Times.

WE ARE THE WORLD(’S WORST PEOPLE)
Remember when A-list musicians used to raise money for impoverished ordinary folks by holding self-congratulatory benefits and singing the worst songs ever recorded (“We Are the World,” “Do They Know It’s Christmas”…most people would find better harmonies in the death screams of Valens, Holly, and Bopper as the plane went down).

There’s good news and bad news. The good news is that celebrity entertainers have long given up those costly star-studded group fundraisers for the much cheaper joy of singing on TikTok, thank God (the “all-star” online collaboration from 2020, in which celebrities traded verses on “Imagine” in order to make Americans feel even worse during lockdowns, lost at the Grammys to Kobe Bryant’s death scream as his chopper went down).

But here’s the bad news: Celebrities are now raising money from you, not for you.

As detailed by Business Insider, super-wealthy entertainers raided Covid funds meant for struggling businesses and used it to (further) enrich themselves. Lil Wayne, worth about $100 million, pilfered $8.9 million in pandemic relief largesse and used it on private jet flights around the world, clothes, accessories, and pot.

If you’ll recall, when Wayne was busted on a felony gun charge, Trump pardoned him.

And there’s the quality judgment that’ll make the next four years so much fun.

Chris Brown spent his $10 million Covid grant on his 33rd birthday party, a celebrity basketball tournament, and a seminar he taught on socking women in the face and getting away with it.

“DJ” Steve Aoki, who’s a multimillionaire because he plays records, which apparently nobody else on earth can do, took his $2.4 mil grant and put himself on payroll, using the received money to pay himself for the “job” of receiving it. So Aoki, worth $120 million from spinning records, now has two BS jobs.

Americans will never get any of that dough back, but ordinary folks can still take revenge: Get together and record a song as bad as “We Are the World” and play it over and over again outside the mansions of these crooks.

STAND-UP TRAGEDY
2024 started with a public immolation and ended with one, with another in between.

Forget “Year of the Monkey”; 2024 was “Year of the Monk.”

In February, when tough-guy soldier Aaron Bushnell set himself on fire to protest Israel, he stood erect for 45 seconds, fully engulfed, screaming “aaaarrreeeaaaarrrrgh” like an attention-seeking meathead at the gym.

And all of Bushnell’s anti-Israel fans were like, “That soldier took it like a man!”

Then in April, Max Azzarello, a self-appointed “sleuth” protesting the DEEP STATE, did the same routine outside Trump’s NYC trial, managing to stand erect for thirty seconds. And his fans were like, “Wotta WARRIOR! He wouldn’t go down.”

And then a week ago a homeless beggarwoman in a Coney Island subway car was set afire by an illegal Guatemalan, and she stood upright, fully engulfed but in dead silence, for at least one minute (the video cuts off after sixty seconds, so we don’t see her go down). In theory, considering that transit cops ignored her plight, she may still be standing there burning today (NYC could make a tourist attraction of it).

“Soldier” Bushnell, “sleuth” Azzazello…what pussies. Especially Bushnell, doing all that performative weight-lifter grunting that made his fans go gaga. A homeless woman showed him how to be stoic.

The illegal firebug, Sebastian Zapata (who kept sneaking back into the U.S. no matter how many times he was kicked out…they don’t call him “Chili Relentless” for nothing), told authorities that, not being Mexican, he can’t figure out how to work a leaf blower, so he was just practicing how to burn leaves so he could work as a gardener.

Sounds like a ridiculous alibi, but Guatemalans are just stupid enough to mistake a shaggy-clothed homeless woman sleeping on a subway seat for a pile of leaves.

With Guatemala, it’s never a matter of “they’re not sending their best.” It’s that they have no best to send.

“DON’T GET LACROSSE WITH ME!”
The fact that a murderous whoring stripper lied about something is no great surprise. The button on the gag is that the whoring stripper’s name is Mangum. There are a hundred jokes that can be built around that, and none of them are family-friendly.

Stripper/prostitute Crystal Mangum was the black hooker who, in 2006, accused three white Duke lacrosse players of raping her at a party. The case fell apart because there was never a shred of evidence to begin with, but that didn’t stop Duke admins from banning the accused students from campus, canceling the lacrosse season, firing the lacrosse coach, and declaring a state of war against La Crosse, Wisconsin.

The only thing that kept the case briefly alive was a cover-up by then Durham County DA Mike NiFong (“that’s NiFong—capital ‘N,’ small ‘i,’ capital ‘F,’ small ‘o’ small ‘n’ small ‘geeeee’!”). NiFong would eventually be disbarred, and the accused students cleared.

Last week Mangum came clean, admitting that she made up the entire story because she “wanted validation from people and not from God.”

You gotta be a really bad whore if you aren’t getting validation enough from gumming men. Perhaps she was just bad at it; maybe her name should’ve been Manchew. No wonder her Yelp whore rating is only one star (“that ho left bite marks” reads one review by user Dick DeMasticated).

Although she was briefly the toast of the left, Mangum blew her fame just as she’d done a thousand johns. She was tossed into the pen after murdering her pimp boyfriend, and what a loss that was for the world.

And now Mangum, who claims to have found Jesus (he’d been actively hiding from her), is asking the wrongly accused lacrosse players for forgiveness.

Let’s hope the Jesus she found is the Christian savior and not the Mexican prison guard who routinely has her gum his man-goo.

BBC SO FAT…
It’s impressive that a media institution in England—a nation where blacks are former colonials as opposed to former slaves—would inadvertently outdo American blacks in the comedic art form they originated: “yo mamma” jokes.

Recently the BBC ran a piece titled “Outdoor spaces not welcoming for bigger bodies.”

Yes, yo mamma too fat for the outdoors.

Yo mamma too fat for earth itself.

But it’s not a joke; the BBC said it in earnest.

The BBC piece profiles a group of morbidly obese ladies who are on a campaign to have the outdoors made bigger so they can fit in it.

How can you have a punchline when the premise itself is already so funny?

“The outdoor spaces are traditionally not welcoming for those of us in bigger bodies.” That’s an actual quote from one of the fleshy Indiana Jones boulders interviewed for the piece, a woman named Claire Brown OBE(se).

Honestly, if you’re so fat that “outdoor spaces” can’t fit you, cut down on the kidney pudding, you monster. Even Godzilla never complained that the world was too small for him.

Funny enough, all the fatties whining about the earth not being big enough for them are women. Who’d have thought?

On the other hand, perhaps it’s best the fatties stay away from our national parks. Remember that time an obese black woman visited Yellowstone because she wanted her fries to be hot as magma? She sat on Old Faithful, and the buildup of pressure was so great, she was blasted into orbit. Word has it on a clear night you can still see Rosa Parks-and-Rectum circling Uranus.