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The Week’s Most Mingling, Singling, and Kris Kringling Headlines

A DINGBAT ATE ME BABY
Remember the good old days when Australians and New Zealanders were thought of as rugged individualists?

And then came Covid and we saw that those pathetic wimps were all flex and no muscle. Lockdowns, compliance, cops beating anyone who refused the vax, all under the watchful sunken eyes of New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, a literal skeleton. Hunted mercilessly by He-Man, Ardern could never set foot in a university because she’d be forcibly returned to the anatomy lab.

So now, in an attempt to further humiliate itself on the world stage, NZ has decided to reverse its visa ban on Candace Owens, declaring that her warnings about Jews drinking the blood of Christian babies are “important to free speech.”

Australia’s Owens ban remains in place for the moment, but only because when Owens held up the bris knife she claims Jews use to exsanguinate children, Paul Hogan said, “That’s not a knife…THIS is a knife!”

A-list director Peter Jackson, born in Pukerua, New Zealand (yes, their main bay is called Puke-a-rua, and doesn’t that make you want to swim there?), agrees that it’s important to spread warnings about Jews eating babies. “When I started shooting Lord of the Rings, we were actually going to use children as hobbits,” Jackson told the Vegemite Daily (Australasia’s No. 1 newspaper), “but the Jewish studio execs kept eating them.”

“Runaway production” from Hollywood contributes several billion dollars a year to New Zealand’s economy. So it’s a really smart move to piss off Jews.

As for Owens, word is she might decide to permanently relocate to the region, where the prehistoric subhuman Papuans need someone even they can look down on as retarded.

LUIGI, LUIGI, YOU BREAK-A MY HEALTH CARE!
Long before the name Luigi became a laughingstock thanks to the Mario videogames, the 1978 Chevy Chase/Goldie Hawn movie Foul Play featured a scene in which the two leads, racing through San Francisco to stop an assassination, crash into a restaurant called Luigi’s Pizza Palace. As the building shatters and patrons run for safety, Luigi comes running from the kitchen screaming, “LUIGI! LUIGI! You break-a my ristorante! LUIGI! LUIGI!” Chase gives Luigi a phone to call the cops, and Luigi screams into the receiver, “LUIGI! LUIGI!”

It makes zero sense why Luigi is screaming his own name. In any other context, that scene wouldn’t be funny at all. Imagine Steve Sailer in a fender-bender getting out of his car yelling, “STEVE! STEVE! My car is damaged. STEVE! STEVE!”

Definitely not funny. Disturbing, actually. The Foul Play scene only works because Americans find the name Luigi hilarious. And if you’re an American and you name your child Luigi, people will find him hilarious. Even if he murders a health-care exec.

And in fact, Brian Thompson’s assassin Luigi Mangione was only caught because after the shooting he ran through Manhattan screaming, “LUIGI! LUIGI! I break-a Brian Thompson’s pulmonary trunk. LUIGI! LUIGI!”

Last week GoFundMe pulled a fundraiser for Luigi, as it violated the ToS regarding raising money for criminal acts. So of course MAGA crowdfunding site GiveSendGo stepped in, raising nearly $100,000 in one day to pay for the defense of an assassin, as every blue-collar white who voted for Trump last month in the hope that MAGA could curb its insanity at least until the inauguration bowed his head in defeat and silently murmured, “Oh, shit.”

Meanwhile, far-left pseudo-journalist Taylor Lorenz, who calls herself a millennial not because she’s part of that generation but because she’s roughly one thousand years old, is in hot water for expressing “joy” at Thompson’s killing. Lorenz, who lost out on the role of the old lady from Titanic because she was considered too aged for the part, is now using her allies at Wikipedia to keep any mention of the “joy” incident off her Wiki page (see the debate here).

Lorenz claims she was not actually cheering the execution but the “attention” it brought to the health-care system. And to her credit, she did quickly condemn President Garfield’s assassination, which she witnessed firsthand.

She was even more forgiving of the Ramesses III assassination, which she took part in while screaming, “LORENZI! LORENZI! You break-a my harem! LORENZI! LORENZI!”

RED STATE OF SHAME
With Disney conceding defeat in the culture war by removing a tranny subplot from an upcoming animated film while admitting that such issues are better left out of children’s movies, indicating that the bluest of blue corporations has finally gotten the message about “trans acceptance,” perhaps it’s time to look at how “red states” are handling the issue.

Remember when John Mellencamp declared himself a socialist and endorsed Obama?

Well, I was born in a small town,
Free-market scorn in a small town,
Your pay is shorn in a small town,
To fund LaQuesha’s next bay-beeee.

Mr. Mellonhead was speaking of Seymour, Indiana, where he was born and raised.

Yep, good ol’ RED Indiana! Voted GOP in every presidential election but one since 1968.

Indiana…redder than the Injuns it’s named after.

Indiana…using taxpayer dollars to give incarcerated murderers sex-change operations.

In 2002 Jonathan Richardson was sentenced to 55 years for strangling a baby (to be fair, he claimed the baby started it). Then he went trans and changed his name to “Autumn Cordellioné” (because Babestrangle McChokeychild was already taken), suing the state of Indiana to obtain a free dick-lopping. And a District Court judge has ruled that Indiana taxpayers must foot the bill.

Funny enough, Richardson is scheduled to be released in 2026 anyway…

Day off/day served in a small town,
Released with verve in a small town.
Recidivist perv in a small town!,
Hide yo’ kids from freed tra-neeeeee.

…so it’s not clear why he can’t wait twelve months and pay for it himself as a free man.

Oh, right—he gets the same joy making you pay as he did murdering that baby.

(Norm Macdonald voice) That guy’s a real jerk!

Anyway, stick this one in your “Red States will always be safe” file.

Was born a man in a small town,
Wasn’t God’s plan in a small town,
I’m goin’ tran in a small town,
Thanks to all your tax mon-neeeeee!

UFOs AND GUIDOS
UFOs are attacking New Jersey.

MARS NEEDS GABAGOOL!

Mysterious objects sighted in the skies over America’s trashiest state—some say it’s aliens, others say it’s drones. Tucker Carlson, still on the hunt for the demon that molested him, says it’s Satan himself.

And for the sake of accuracy, it should be pointed out that Tucker was likely attacked not by a demon but an owl, as his high-pitched laugh mirrors their mating call.

Still, even leftist newspapers agree that something weird is floating in the skies above the state that’s a boil on the ass of New York. Which itself is a boil on the ass of America. So N.J. is essentially a boil upon a boil.

Is that why aliens are scanning the area? Or could it have something to do with Chris Christie’s gravitational pull?

Some suggest that the objects are drones sent by enemy nations. Russia gathering intelligence by monitoring what the hairiest women on earth are saying about Zelensky.

That Putin…always got his finger on the furry pulse.

Or perhaps it’s China, spying on Italian men who wear gold chains while dressing like pimps, listening to rap, slapping women, and speaking in slang.

Secretary Xi, just because Uyghur is pronounced “weeger” doesn’t mean you have to pester wiggers.

We may never know the answer to the great New Jersey drone scare of 2024. But what we do know is that Candace Owens will blame the Jews.

LICENTIOUS PLATES
Vanity plates? More like “oh-the-humanity” plates.

California has the second-highest number of Jews of any state. New York is first, of course, but the Jewish population there declines daily by being beaten to death on the street by Daquans.

The problem with California is that the state’s government bureaucracy is run by mumbling Third Worlders. Recently a Tesla Cybertruck was seen driving through L.A. sporting the license plate LOLOCT7, which many Jews took to mean LOL (“laugh out loud”) October 7 (the date that, according to the L.A. Times, a bunch of Jewish women raped themselves and framed Hamas).

After photos of the LOLRAPE Cybertruck went viral, the L.A. DMV, aka “the last place where blacks outnumber beans” (“NEXT LINE! This ain’t the right line, suh”), apologized, promising to withdraw the plate.

But wait—turns out the Cybertruck’s owned by a Filipino, and, according to him, “LOLOCT7” has nothing to do with Israel or Hamas. Rather, it has to do with an imbecilic people who have Spanish names but don’t speak Spanish.

Literally, that’s like going to Italy and seeing a hundred morons screeching, “I’m-a Luigi,” but when you try to speak to them in Italian they claim to only speak Bantu.

Even though Filipinos have Spanish names, they speak a chicken-cluck called Tagalog (derived from the local sport of playing tag with pieces of wood. It’s dull to watch, but it still beats golf). Per local news station KTLA: “Lolo means grandfather in Tagalog, CT is short for Cybertruck, and the number 7 represents the owner’s seven children.”

Cased closed. Except that the plates on the Filipino owner’s other cars, “GASJEWS1488,” “KILL6MILKIKES,” and “HITLERROCKS1932,” are a bit harder to excuse.

Apparently, “extermination” is Tagalog for “candy and kittens.”

Thankfully, since nobody in California government speaks English anyway, and no L.A. public school grads know history, the matter was quickly laid to rest.