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The Week’s Most Wrecking, Henpecking, and Hall-Decking Headlines

OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKÉ
The word is out in L.A.: Don’t drink the water.

Because another wacky Asian chick has traveled to the city and gone missing. And based on experience, that means keep those faucets off.

In January 2013, 21-year-old Elisa Lam, a Hong Kongolier, flew to L.A. because the demons in her brain had an urgent message for Conan O’Brien, which Lam had to deliver in person.

We’ll never know what that message was, but if it was a collection of solid, quality jokes, O’Brien sure needed it.

Lam checked into a Downtown hotel, spent a day stalking O’Brien and getting booted from his studio, then returned to her room, where the demons Lam-basted her for failing her mission. Security footage showed Lam running through the hotel, chased by invisible entities. She made it to the roof and climbed into the hotel’s massive water tank…only to find that once inside, there was no way out.

As demons always say, you can lead a Lam to water and you can make her sink.

For twenty days the occupants of the hotel showered and brushed their teeth with water contaminated by Lam’s remains. The body was only discovered after several guests reported that the water tasted like soy. They weren’t complaining; they just wanted to know the brand.

And now we have 31-year-old Hannah Kobayashi, a mentally disturbed Hawaiian who traveled to L.A. only to go missing after texting her parents that “deep hackers” were pursuing her. So of course she came to L.A., where rampant legal pot use means there are “deep hackers” on every street corner.

So much for that Asian IQ.

Kobayahi’s father traveled to L.A., then he went missing too.

Residents have been advised that if they drink tap water, it goes best with bok choy.

BOONDOGGLE? BOONCACKLE!
Kamala Harris’ supporters are mad.

As in, insane. But also, as in angry. Turns out the Jamaican jerk chicken spent a record $1.5 billion in donor money, only to lose everything—the swing states, the popular vote, the electoral college—and still end up $20 million in debt.

Last week Democrat megadonor John Morgan told NewsNation, “I was at a dinner at the White House Friday night, and there’s a lot whispering, there’s a lot of names about who got paid this, who got paid that. A lot of people got rich on the back of donors trying to stop Trump. And I think this disqualifies her forever—forever.”

Billions meant to go to a cause, but waylaid by a black woman and her cronies?

Behold the first-ever presidential campaign based on the BLM business model. Even Illinois mayor Tiffany Henyard, who used her city-issued credit card to bankrupt her town to the cost of $3.65 million that she spent on cars, trips, mansions, and $43,000 in one day on Amazon purchases, looks at Harris and goes, “Oooh, she good!”

Henyard used an entire town as an EBT card; Harris used a nation. Black girl excellence.

Kamala does admit to employing family members as staff, but she claims that she herself was bilked by her cousin Pashwad from Microsoft Security, who told her that the entire country had malware and he needed a cashier’s check for $1.5 billion to fix it.

Also last week, Harris addressed her supporters in a video call. “Don’t you ever let anybody take your power from you. You have the same power that you did before November 5, so don’t ever let anybody or any circumstances take your power from you.”

She wasn’t talking about figurative power, but electrical; it’s scheduled to be shut off at her campaign HQ by Water & Power bill collections on Monday.

Harris concluded: “We are powerful.”

She used the word “powerful” a dozen meaningless times. And with that, she exits as she entered: a gaping mouth who accepts favors from men and repays them with an unsatisfying finish.

WOKING UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING
As the Christmas season officially kicks off, get ready for leftists to, again, ruin everything.

First off, the bottom’s fallen out of the international mistletoe market. And yes, there really is an “international mistletoe market,” but for some reason it’s only active in December (80 percent of mistletoe sales are for Christmas parties; the other 20 percent comes from the sprigs Lauren Boebert hangs on the belts she gives prospective suitors).

According to The Telegraph, the “death of mistletoe” is happening because companies are fearful of using it at holiday parties, lest someone claims sexual harassment. HR departments are busy coming up with suitable replacements. Hollywood studios are leaning toward the “Diddy belt,” which would hang over the freak-off zone.

So, back to Boebert again.

Meanwhile, the Bronx-based Center for Racial Justice in Education has released its “Racial justice guide to the winter holiday season.” Sections include (these are real) “Dear white people, the holiday season is the best time to tell our grandparents to stop being racist,” “Why is Santa Claus Always White?,” “Dreaming of a not-white Christmas: Why I’m embracing black Santa and black Jesus,” “White Christmas, White Santas, White Privilege,” “Black Lives Matter Wants to Bring Down white Capitalism with ‘Black Christmas,’” “5 Ways Christian Privilege Shows Up During the Winter Holiday Season,” “30+ Examples of Christian Privilege,” and “Don’t Believe in Christian Privilege? These 15 Examples Will Leave No Doubt.”

Sections left out? “Winter’s nothing more than the earth trying to cold-up yo’ fries,” “Beware ice! It’s actually water. Stay away!,” “Hanging ornaments is how white people commemorate lynching,” “Adding Ripple to eggnog: what proportion of each?,” “There’s a strong-arm invasion robbery at the home of Farmer Gray,” and “‘What child is this?’ Christmas for a black father.”

Also, in Memphis a mall “letters to Santa” display was rocked when someone left a card reading “I want a slave for Christmas.”

Well, wait till January and the elves will be freed up.

HONEY, I TRAUMATIZED THE KIDS
Kouri Richins, 34, of Park City, Utah, wanted nothing more than to be a world-famous author. But she could never hatch that one killer idea.

Then it came to her: Kill someone!

This is a woman who thinks very literally.

Richins, mother of three, wrote the best-seller Are You With Me? about a father who dies only to become an angel who watches over his kids. She explained that the idea for the book came after her husband of nine years died suddenly, and she needed to help their kids cope with the grief.

Only problem was, it was Richins who caused the grief. Prosecutors say she killed her husband just to get a book out of it, outdoing Truman Capote in the “tragedy exploitation” hall of fame.

At least Bill Cosby can die knowing that his wasn’t the worst Ghost Dad.

Richins used fentanyl to kill her hubby, first slipping a few pills into his sandwich on Valentine’s Day, but that only made him happy (“babe, whatever Schmendel’s putting in his pastrami these days, I love it!”). So on her next attempt, she put five times the lethal dose into his Moscow mule (his last words? “You mix a hell of a Caucasian, Kouri”).

And who was the “mule” for the fentanyl in the Moscow? The misshapen Hispanic maid, of course! Why do you think so many upscale white women vote for open borders? Where else are they gonna get murder weapons?

Richins is currently on trial. While in holding, she’d penned a letter to her mom asking her to fabricate a lie to get her off the hook. Richins had no idea prison officials would intercept the letter.

Richins, a Mormon, might claim to follow Moroni, but she should probably drop the “i.”

BLACK TUESDAY
No group fared worse in the election than blacks. It wasn’t just Trump winning and Harris being kicked to the curb like an Indian who asks where the toilet is. It’s that in California, blacks may have finally gotten the message that they’ll never see eye to eye with their brown “brothers” regarding criminal justice.

California’s beans went all-in for booting two pro-crime black-friendly DAs (L.A.’s George Gascon and Alameda County’s Pam Price). Beans widely supported Prop 36, which recriminalized theft. And finally, beans helped defeat statewide Prop. 6, which would’ve made it illegal for prisons to use inmates for “involuntary servitude” (forced labor).

Backers of the proposition labeled it the “Anti-Slavery Measure.” Mexicans took one look at that title and said, “Screw that, señor. We want thee slaves!”

It’s highly likely that whoever wrote that mall Santa card was named Gonzales.

Mexis already make up half the LASD and LAPD. And now that they’ll be able to make arrests again, expect an even further black exodus from the state, Beverly Hillbillies-style.

So they loaded up the truck,
And moved to Montgomery.

Worse still, in NYC Hispanics are becoming a majority on the force! Per the Daily News: “For the first time since the NYPD was formed 179 years ago, there are more Hispanics in the rank of police officer—the initial rank when becoming a cop—than any other demographic group.”

NYPD’s traded Paddy for Pedro, and the paddy wagon for a lowrider that plays “La Cucaracha.”

Across the nation, it’s gonna be all-out war between those who blow leaves and those who suck pipes.

And at some point as LaMennis is being clubbed to death by Officer Muyloco, he might, if even for a moment, think to himself, “Maybe I shouldn’t a’ voted for all dat immigration.”

Like every black at a business meeting, too late.