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The Week’s Most Wobbling, Bobbling, and Gobble-Gobbling Headlines

INDIANS SQUAWED…
Has anyone ever done an IQ comparison between the Bering Strait nomads who settled the frozen north versus the Injuns who kept moving south hoping to find warmer climes? Because in theory one would expect the Eskimo blubber-eaters who reached Alaska and said, “We’re good here; it’s probably colder everywhere else,” to be even more cognitively limited than the redmen who wisely kept going south to settle fertile lands and die of the flu.

“Hey, squaw, this heap happy land! Much sun, many buffalo. We live good here.”

(Squaw coughs.)

“Well, we’re f*cked.”

That epic battle of the IQs would resemble a softball game between Fragile X and Prader-Willi; there are only losers.

Indeed, these “great people” who preferred smoking leaves to having an Iron Age have left behind little of value except the names white men homaged to make everything from states to butter sound quaint and noble.

Count on California to erase even that lamentable legacy. Last week the state that saw its politics trounced nationally on Nov. 5 decided to take its anger out on words, ordering the renaming of anything in the state that contains “appropriated” Native American verbiage.

Because of course the best way to honor the state’s “indigenous” people is to erase them. After all, when you get genocided by the sniffles, it really is in everyone’s best interest that the rest of us forget you ever existed.

On the other hand, considering that the renaming is being done by a panel of blacks, the Natives might wish Newsom had left well enough alone.

Starting Jan. 1, Squaw Valley will become “Drunk-Ass Mexican-Lookin’ Bitch Valley,” Arapaho Hills will become “I Rape a Ho Hills,” and Cherokee Springs will become “You Crazy? I Ain’t Goin’ Near No Water” Springs.

Ugh.

…AND THAWED
Turning to a different type of Injun, India is on average one of the warmest nations on earth. It’s even said that during a typical Delhi summer you can fry a turd on the sidewalk.

Yes, you can probably fry an egg as well, but Indians don’t eat eggs due to confusion over which edible farm animal they worship as a god.

“Rajnesh, what are we not supposed to eat? Cows or chickens?”

“Uh, I think it’s cod.”

“Well, crap, there goes my Long John Silver’s gift card.”

You’d think that a people from a warm climate would know better than to attempt to illegally enter America via a border that was too cold even for Eskimos.

Oh wait, Indians are people who, on their wedding night, prefer burning their brides to sleeping with them.

Yeah, it’s pretty obvious they wouldn’t know better.

According to an AP piece last week, illegal immigrants from India are freezing to death being smuggled into the U.S. from Manitoba.

And the culprit? Once again, falling into the category of “you’ll think it’s a joke but it isn’t,” the name of the human trafficker who’s been taking the money of Indian nationals and letting them freeze to death in the tundra is Harshkumar Patel.

If you’re going to put your life in the hands of a human trafficker, why choose Harshkumar over Softkumar? Hell, even Mildkumar would be a better option.

According to the AP, the Manitoba/Minnesota border is littered with the corpses of border-jumping Punjabis frozen solid like the fish sticks they’re not sure if they can eat without angering their ten-armed hippo deity.

Worse still, the Mumbaicicles are poisoning the local predatory wildlife, as timber wolves have difficulty processing curry.

Harshkumar was arrested last week by Canadian officials. He’s officially changed his name to Repentantkumar. Trudeau’s readying the pardon as we speak.

GUARDIANS OF THE EX-LAXY
The Guardian, the iconic far-left British newspaper, has announced that it will no longer post on X (formerly Twitter until Musk bought it and replaced the name with the closest letter in the alphabet to a swastika).

According to The Guardian’s editorial staff, the paper will boycott the site because it’s become too “right wing.” Fair enough; in the Guardian stylebook, it’s only permissible to say “kill all Jews” if the phrase is followed by “ali akbar FREE GAZA” instead of “groyp groyp replacement theory Frankist baby-eaters!”

The Guardian had more than 27 million Twitter followers. No word on where these thirsty-for-news souls will go now that their favorite newspaper has abandoned them, but Keith Olbermann is said to be jockeying for the position, if by “position” one means that he’ll stop compulsively self-pleasuring to Elie Mystal on MSNBC and return to the balcony of his top-floor Central Park-adjacent multimillion-dollar penthouse condo for more Twitter selfies viewed by a billion people who hope he jumps.

Complicating matters regarding The Guardian’s attempt at being glory-holier-than-thou is the fact that at the same time the paper announced its Twitter boycott, regular columnist Will Hutton OBE (Obscene Batsh*t Englishman) wrote an op-ed proclaiming that the inheritance tax must be increased, because “nobody should ever profit from the good fortune of those they’re related to by birth and chance.”

Well, thanks, Will. No better argument has ever been advanced against “reparations” for blacks whose ancestors may have lugged a stone during the construction of the White House or lit a cigar for Teddy Roosevelt as he screamed “bully” while mowing down actual bulls with a Gatling gun.

That damned right-winger Will Hutton…maybe OBE stands for Old Based Extremist. Perhaps The Guardian is leaving Twitter because the site’s too far left for them.

After all, you can’t spell “Guardian Online” without guano. And even bats are envious of the amount of that stuff that seeps from that Marxist paper.

THE LONGORIA AND THE SHORTORIA OF IT
Eva Longoria’s business card reads “At least I’m not Sofia Vergara.” Yes, America’s least favorite spicy hot annoyance has that going for her. Because of the high bar set by Vergara and Rosie Perez, Longoria’s routine of squealing “Mami papi mami papi ay yi yi” takes only the bronze in the Shrieking Bean Olympics.

Last week this monstrosity who manages to combine the accent of Ricky Ricardo with the sex appeal of Fred Mertz announced that she was fleeing the “dystopian” USA to escape Trump, taxes, and the homeless problem.

And that’s why beans are for cleaning septic tanks, not running think tanks. Longoria was a vocal supporter of lower-the-sambar presidential hopeless Kamala Harris, who wanted to turn cities over to the homeless (as she did in California) and raise taxes. So basically, Longoria’s saying, “I’m fleeing the U.S. because of Trump and the things Trump is against.”

No word on where Longoria is moving, but considering her ethnicity, it’ll likely be a place with many leaves to blow.

And if you think Longoria’s an imbecile, Korean women just said, “Hold my bingsu.” According to Politico, Korean ladies are going on a sex strike to protest violence against women and the election of Donald Trump. Apparently, these slippery slopes who vote 70 percent Democrat are upset that Asian women are being attacked in subways and on streets.

Also, these same women are upset that Republicans scored a clean sweep in an election in which they bested the Democrats who coddle and give free rein to the black criminals responsible for Asian women being attacked in subways and on streets.

Upon realizing that there’s such little connection between real-world smarts and SAT scores, Steve Sailer flew to Switzerland to use the suicide pod.

Thankfully it (once again) malfunctioned, saving Steve’s life but plunging him into an even deeper angst regarding IQ vs. real-world aptitude.

THE PERVY GAETZ
Only three weeks past the election and D.C. is already doing what it does best…eschewing issues of import in favor of tabloid prurience.

First off, Congress has its first “transgender” member (i.e., freakish sexually confused fetishist man in a wig), a Democrat named “Sarah” McBride, who looks and sounds like that Starbucks worker you just know has done something unpleasant with the biscotti. McBride, formerly McGroom, wants to be able to use the female restroom at the Capitol. Republicans object, claiming it violates the sanctity of the space. Though, to be fair, any bathroom routinely defiled by AOC’s daily burrito blasts lost its sanctity years ago.

Meanwhile Democrats are taking shots at Matt Gaetz, congressman–turned–Trump’s pick for Secretary of General Creepiness. Dems are casting aspersions regarding Gaetz’s decision to adopt a Cuban teen as his “son,” and it’s marvelously entertaining to watch conservatives, who call everyone who hangs out with boys “pedo,” biting their lips.

It’s rather like the Biggus Dickus scene in Life of Brian. They want to say something so badly, but they can’t.

Gaetz’s situation is similar, in setup if not punchline, to that of George Rose, the Tony Award-winning legendary British actor whose turn as the Major General in The Pirates of Penzance is considered the defining portrayal. Rose adopted a Dominican teen and signed over his entire estate to the boy in exchange for private “favors.” But all he got was disfavor, as the boy and his uncle burned Rose alive and sent his charred corpse over a cliff in a car to gain the inheritance.

Beans don’t burn on the grill, but sometimes beans burn you for the kill.

I am the very model of a modern major pedophile,
I’ve information memorized to make a teenage beaner smile.
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights fantastical,
But I ended up a churro charred from actions pederastical.

A few days ago, Trump dumped Gaetz.

At least it wasn’t over a cliff.