Kruger Park, South Africa

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Herky, Jerky, and Buy-That-Frozen-Turkey Headlines

FAMIRY FEUD
Dog trainers have long abandoned the tradition of smacking misbehaving pups on the schnoz with a rolled-up newspaper, because the state of American print journalism is so foul, it’s plainly sadistic to expose your dog to it.

Owner: “Bad dog! Bad dog!” (Smacks dog on the nose with a rolled-up L.A. Times.)

Dog: “Wait, they publish op-eds from the leader of Hamas but not Trump supporters?”

Dog keels over dead.

Now this is “next-level inscrutability”: Billionaire Chinaman Patrick Soon-Shiong (Ric Ocasek sang “tonight she comes,” but of greater concern is that soon, she ong), owner of L.A. Times-brand toilet paper (motto: “anal fissures guaranteed”), prohibited his editorial staff from endorsing Harris last month. Soon-Shiong’s daughter, Late-Shiong, a self-described Marxist whose meddling in Times coverage has made the worst paper in the nation somehow more execrable (putting a Chinese communist in charge of the L.A. Times is like vomiting on a turd; you’ve made a stinky thing stinkier), claimed that the Harris endorsement was canned because cackleface is too pro-Israel.

Daddy Soon-Shiong disagreed with disobedient daughteru; he declared that the matter had nothing to do with Gaza.

And thus began a Chinese family feud in which many Cokes were defiled.

But now that Trump’s won, Soon-Shiong is like, “Yeah, it was about Gaza after all.” So while conservatives have cheered the firing of the entire Times editorial staff as a blow against the “liberal media,” they may not be too happy with the replacement editor, Ali bin-Blowsup, whose main credit is beheading a Dane for drawing Muhammad.

This blurring of the lines between left and right was highlighted last week by an UnHerd piece that claimed “leftist professors” are victimized by cancel culture at a greater rate than their rightist colleagues. But the story’s author, Noah Carl (aka Noah Sense), equates the firing of pro-Hamas professors who scream “KILL THE JEWS!” with the firing of conservative professors who say genes exist.

The next four years are gonna be endlessly interesting…and confusing.

BALD-FACED FLYER
And speaking of lowering the (ak)bar, last week the Swiss banned burkas in public. Funny enough, the ban does not apply on airplanes.

You’d think that the one place where Muslims are most likely to kill Westerners is also the one place where they shouldn’t be able to hide their identity.

Then again, the burka exception for planes might have something to do with the bloody-scalp beaner whose uncovered head caused a his-panic on a jumbo jet in August.

Eugenio Ernesto Garnier has the surname of a hair-care company. An irony, as this lunatic scalped himself before boarding.

See, Garnier was worried that he was going bald. So he peeled off his own scalp flesh and tried to “plant” hair seeds.

Mexicans…is there nothing they can’t garden?

Then he tried to board a plane from Miami to Vegas, because as a gambler he wanted to get some skin in the game.

Problem was, the top of his head was spouting blood like a volcano.

Wetback? More like wet-head.

When the flight crew asked Edward Maims Olmos if he could bandage Mount Headna, he refused (after all, he had a ticket, like any good scalper). He was backed by his girlfriend, and yes, he was traveling with a girlfriend.

If you’re an incel, it’ll likely kill you to know that a beaner with no scalp can get a girlfriend but you can’t.

In the end, Garnier and his mu-hair were arrested, after delaying the flight for hours.

No word on if his homemade transplant worked, but hopefully his girlfriend never asks him to get a penile implant.

THE OLD BALL GAME
Few political “noticers” noticed how California senator-elect Adam Schiff man-handed two women out of contention for the job. Schiff craftily manipulated L.A. Dodger Steve Garvey to run, knocking out the other Democrats in the “top two” primary earlier this year.

Thanks to Schiff’s machinations, Democrats Katie Porter (aka Tubby O’Toole, a homely obese white woman whose electoral advantage was that she looks like all Democrat women) and Laphonza Butler (an aging Maya Angelou impersonator named after the French iteration of Henry Winkler’s Happy Days character) were defeated, leaving scheming Schiff to face Republican Garvey in the general.

Party affiliation numbers alone dictated that Schiff would win. But it’s astounding the extent to which Garvey didn’t campaign. When Garvey’s fellow Dodger, Mexican icon Fernando Valenzuela—a man whose fastball was said to pack the power of ten leaf blowers—died last month, affording Garvey a most fortuitous opportunity to commune with L.A.’s majority demographic, he refused.

It’s almost like Garvey didn’t want the job…or was paid off to not want the job.

Maybe MAGA sleuths could take a day off from investigating CIA midgets posing as school shooters and look into whether Garvey recently bought a new Sienna courtesy of an unnamed “donor.”

The press, not wanting to attack Democrat Schiff even though he screwed two women out of a job (and for West Hollywood Schiff, that’s the only screwing of women he allows), has tried to soften the blow that California’s two Senate seats, occupied by women since 1992, are now fully dude-owned and -operated, by bragging about how a black woman, Lola Smallwood, was elected to the state senate.

No word on the identity of Smallwood’s husband, but based on her name he’s likely Asian.

Also, for the first time ever there are two black female U.S. senators: Lisa Blunt of Delaware and Angela Alsobrooks of Maryland. So, one’s named for what blacks like to smoke, and the other for what blacks like to avoid (“We be scared of the ocean. Also, brooks”).

And Katie Porter, the dread zeppelin denied her chance at Senate glory by Schiff? She’s fighting charges of female-on-male spousal abuse (according to the National Post, an all-the-rage trend). Apparently Portly Porter burned off her husband’s scalp with “scalding mashed potatoes.”

Dude should call Eugenio Ernesto Garnier.

BUBOES BY ANY OTHER NAME
Last month actor Michael Keaton announced that he’s going back to his birth name, Michael Douglas. The Screen Actors Guild allows only one member to have a particular name, and since there was already a Michael Douglas when Twitchy Batman applied for membership, Michael Douglas No. 2 had to become Keaton.

Had Michael Douglas No. 1 died from his cunnilingus cancer, Keaton could’ve assumed the moniker. But it’s amazing the strides made by medical science regarding Welshwoman smegma.

So Michael Keaton will now be Michael Keaton Douglas. Hopefully now he can have a successful career.

The notion that changing your name improves your fate is gripping the Third World. Jonathan Chimakonam, Associate Professor of Killing Whitey at Pretoria University, is on a crusade to rename the continent of Africa.

“The name Africa was given by European exploiters, slavers and colonists,” Chimpacomin’ wrote in a recent op-ed. “This implies the history of the place began with the namer, as if it were uninhabited before the namer arrived.”

Well, if the namees had a written language, maybe they could’ve named the place.

Some thoughts on the new name? Malario Grande, Ebolivia, and Rancho Cucamonkeypox.

Chinpokomon continues: “Africa is taken from the Greek aphrike, meaning ‘without cold.’” Hey, just add the word “fries,” and welcome 40 million American blacks.

Meanwhile in India, students are rioting against a government proposal to change the name of Ravenshaw University, because the namesake, Thomas Ravenshaw, was a “colonizer.”

Angry students point out that Ravenshaw pioneered India’s No. 1 industry by showing students how to use the newly developed telephone to call elderly Americans claiming that their windows were open to spam.

Sure, the scam had no payoff, as the oldies would just close the windows (or wait hungrily for the spam), but still, without Ravenshaw, India would be all poop, no profit.

SWEENEY TODT
Demon Barber of Fleet Street? More like Demon Barber of Beat Meat.

In a Week That Perished dominated by bad scalps, here’s a story about a barber who didn’t take just scalps, but lives.

In Orange County, California, a black single mom needed a babysitter for her 6-year-old boy. As OC is only 1.5 percent black, the mom went to the blackest place in town—the barbershop—and asked hairman first class Ernest Lamar Love, whom she knew from church, to watch her son.

Certainly, no churchgoer with the surname “Love” could be bad, right?

Well, that surname should’ve been “ToughLove,” because when the boy peed against a tree in a local park, the barber went macabre, beating the kid with a piece of lumber until his flesh peeled off.

He is the Barber of Severe.

After his campaign of “shear” terror, Love took the unconscious boy to a hospital, telling the doctors he “tripped.” But the doctors at Slappy White Memorial know physical abuse when they see it; the boy died, and Love was arrested for giving the worst skin fade ever.

Sometimes a black barber gives you dreadlocks, sometimes he gives you deadknocks (to the head).

Meanwhile in St. Louis, a black child-care center called Kreatyve Kydz (that’s the real name) made the news after staff members beat themselves bloody during nap time (someone’s cranky!), throwing each other through windows and breaking liquor bottles over heads, showering the sleeping children with broken glass.

Parents should’ve known from the spelling of the name that this was not good day care.

The brawling employees have been fired, but many parents have opted to keep their kids enrolled in the center. After all, when the alternative is barbers who eschew Clubman Toiletries for club-boy toilet-trees, a blaxploitation fistfight seems benign in comparison.