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The Week’s Most Fleeting, Skeeting, and Hades-Heating Headlines

IAMS WHAT IAMS
It was a week in which Americans obsessed over the question, “Are Haitians eating cats?”

There’s reason to be skeptical of the rumors. First of all, cats clean themselves regularly, and Haitians have an ingrained aversion to anything hygienic. Haitians are far more likely to eat not the cat but what it leaves in the litter box. After all, cat saliva’s a natural antibacterial, whereas the average Haitian is a natural probacterial.

If it kills germs, Haitians don’t want it.

But still, is there any truth to the rumor that Haitian illegals are running Kentoussaint Fried Kitten joints in Ohio?

Enter far-left meme superstar Rainn Wilson, aka “Bill Hader died and a mad scientist revived him with a mongoloid’s brain and created retarded Frankenstein.” Wilson angrily declared that he’s leaving X for good because of the Haitian/cat rumors. Yes, he said, a black person did cruelly torture and eat a cat last week, but it was “an American black woman,” not a Haitian.

And the nation cheered…then stopped as a deathly silence fell upon the crowd.

Because that really doesn’t make the story “better.”

Sheriff: “Good news, Jim. We identified the serial killer, and it’s not the schizo laborer you brought to town.”

Jim: “Oh, thank God! I’m so relieved.”

Sheriff: “Yeah, it’s your own son. Well, sleep tight, buddy!”

The idea that the only proven cat-eater is someone who can’t be deported is cold cuts—sorry, cold comfort. The “main coon” told police she was masticating the Manx because she heard cats are “warm-blooded” and she was sick of them cold-ass fries.

Meanwhile in N.Y.C., “Hindu Guyanese and Indo-Caribbean immigrants” are killing pigs in religious rituals, which is legal thanks to the unanimous 1993 SCOTUS decision Babalu Aye v. Hialeah (“Babalu Aye” is when you get pink eye from a Cuban).

At the time, Clarence Thomas stated that he has no problem with Santeria cultists killing pigs…as long as he gits da feet.

LASSIE LEAVE HOME
Fortunately, Russian cats are safe. Haitians who illegally enter that country are shot out of cannons at Ukraine (germ warfare…every Haitian’s carrying something).

And those Haitians are missing quite a meal! Crumbs, a 38-pound tabby in Perm, Russia, has set a record as the world’s fattest feline. A stray, Crumbs’ rescuers overfed him, and now veterinarians are trying to slim him down. All while Crumbs does what cats do best—sit with a look of disdain for those around them, contributing nothing but a sense of superiority.

At least he’s not actively trying to murder anyone.

Last month the Tulsa fire department released footage of a fire that left a family homeless.

The cause?

Their dogs.

Footage from inside the house shows one of the dogs nibbling on an electronic device containing a lithium battery (because he’s a bad boy, a very bad boy). The dog unleashes a cascade of sparks. Initially, both dogs “flea,” but once the fire starts burning, they return to the scene of the crime and just stand there, watching in silent fascination, before showing themselves out through the flap in the back door, leaving the family to die.

“Should we bark or something?”

“Nah, it’s not a real emergency like a UPS delivery or a squirrel. Let’s let this one play out.”

People who own flatulent canines that fart themselves awake in the middle of the night should breathe a sigh of relief (though not in the direction of their hound) that that’s the worst their dog does.

Thankfully, the family was alerted by smoke detectors and escaped.

Sometimes Lassie rescues Timmy from the well, and sometimes Lassie pushes Timmy down it.

SPECIAL DELIVERANCE
There’s no road map for dealing with the aftermath of a school shooting. But in Appalachia, there’s a dirt-road map.

And while there may be no one “right” way for the killer’s kin to react, there’s most certainly a wrong one.

Winder, Georgia, home of Apalachee High (scene of the mass shooting by student Colt Gray), is located near the exact spot where the film Deliverance was set. And while it’s easy to laugh at such a school, Apalachee kids have won the gold thirty years straight in the national “blank-faced banjo-playing” competition.

Following the shooting, Gray’s aunt Annie Polhamus (sister of the boy’s meth-smoking mom) took to Facebook to attack the people criticizing her murderous nephew: “They are charging my 14yo nephew as an adult, for murder. Yall ready to see Polhamus blood in full throttle? Nah, I wouldn’t be either.”

Actually, the nation just saw “Polhamus blood in full throttle,” and it was an unpleasant sight.

Funny enough, a cut scene from Deliverance depicts the surviving rafters being confronted by Annie Pol-anus, aunt of the dude who raped Ned Beatty.

Meanwhile, it turns out the FBI had been tipped off that Gray was planning to shoot up his school, but (this is true) when visited by law enforcement, Gray claimed that the online threats were “Russian hacking,” and the agents bought it and left.

So remember, if you’re ever questioned by FBI agents, “Russian hacking” is their “Beetlejuice”: Say it three times and their credulity appears.

Also, Gray’s pappy (now himself charged with murder) bought his boy a gun after the police visit, telling the lad to “only use this to stop Burt Reynolds from killing you as you’re raping Ned Beatty.”

“I think both them’s dead, Paw,” the boy replied. “But Jon Voight and Ronny Cox is still livin’.”

“I ain’t rapin’ nobody named Runny Cocks,” the dad barked, muttering to himself, “That boy ain’t right.”

UN-CONDIT-IONAL LOVE
Some families are haunted by curses. The Condits are haunted by Cuevas.

Yes, the Condits are plagued by beans.

Remember Gary Condit? He was the clean-cut TV-dad-lookin’ California “conservative Democrat” from the 1990s. A family man, a man of faith and morals, Condit wept with the nation when his intern, Chandra Levy, went missing in 2001.

But Condit had a secret; when he needed to “leave it to beaver,” Chandra was his release. When her sexually abused corpse was eventually found in a shallow grave, Condit’s wholesome Brady Bunch reputation died quicker than Robert Reed after that night in a bathhouse.

Then it turned out it was a bean murderer all along—Salvadoran immigrant Ingmar Guandique—who’d already done time for sticking his dique where it didn’t belong.

Condit celebrated the vindication and planned a political comeback…until the sole witness against Guandique, Armando Morales—another bean—admitted to fabricating his testimony and g’won-dique was told g’won, get outta here.

With a history like that, it’s puzzling why Condit’s son Chad, who followed his father into politics, would choose to work as chief of staff for a Hispanic politico.

Because it went about as well as you’d expect.

Apparently, California State Senator Marie Alvarado-Gil—a Dem who recently jumped ship to the GOP—wanted Condit to jump her…nonstop. Condit’s suing Alvarado-Gil for giving him permanent back and hip injuries from the “sexual acrobatics” she demanded. Apparently the “wise Latina” expected constant erections (rise Latina) from Condit’s large penis (supersize Latina), which she’d crush between her legs during sex (thighs Latina); she even insisted he penetrate her with his fingers as she drove (digitize Latina).

The Mexican humping bean claims Condit’s lying. And California Republicans, who finally won a Mexican and damned if they’re gonna let her fall to these charges, are trying to find a Salvadoran who can deposit not a Condit intern but a Condit himself in a shallow grave.

SNAKE MISHANDLERS
Jeffrey Leibowitz, a teacher in Florence, South Carolina, ain’t no jittery Jew when it comes to snakes.

Or blacks.

Florence is 51 percent black and only 2 percent Asian. What kind of Jew lives in a place with schvartzes but no Szechuan?

The kind of Jew who posts videos of himself free-handling deadly snakes.

“Free-handling” is when the handler doesn’t wear protective gear. It’s like riding bareback with the Reaper. And Leibowitz’s favorite snake to handle? The inland taipan—oxyuranus microlepidotus. And if it bites you, it’s kissyuranus goodbyepidotus. The taipan’s so toxic even Hillary Clinton won’t associate with it. And for years herpetologists have begged Leibowitz to stop posting his videos, explaining that his cavalier attitude puts him at risk, along with potential copycats.

But the Shoah constrictor refused to give up his act, posting a video last week in which he said, while swinging a taipan like it’s chicken time on Yom Kippur, “I can control him, there’s no need to be scared.”

And then the snake bit him, turning Leibowitz from influencer to toxinfluencer.

Leibowitz screamed “dangadinndu heysheeeitmanmamma fugyoomuvvafugginsheeeit,” which led one of his assistants to proclaim, “He’s speaking in tongues! He found Christ,” but his other assistant interjected, “Naw, he teaches at an HBCU. He cusses like his students.”

Making the situation even funnier, the nearest place with taipan antivenom was like, “He ain’t gettin’ any!” Kristen Wiley of the Kentucky Reptile Zoo declared, “None for dumbass. This antivenom is very rare; I need it for my staff in case of emergency.”

By the time Leibowitz got antivenom he was a vegetable, ironically no longer of interest to the carnivore that bit him.

He remains on life support.

Florence Reptile Control (motto: “Get Them Snakes Away From Me, Bitch”) euthanized Leibowitz’s collection, including his gaboon viper (not to be confused with the gabagoon viper, which extorts its victims via a protection racket).

On the bright side, doctors say it’s likely Jeff and his snakes will soon be reunited.