Deadpool & Wolverine

Source: Marvel Studios and 20th Century Studios

The Week’s Most Straining, Paining, and Summer-Waning Headlines

WITCHY? POO!
Turns out it didn’t take boycotts, DeSantis, or screaming “groomer” on X to finally snap Disney out of “woke.”

It just took a billion dollars.

The success of Deadpool & Wolverine—which crossed $1.1 billion at the global box office last week, was only “unexpected” to the DEI hires at Disney and Marvel who were certain that superhero films about tranny feminist Latino cripples and their obese queer black sidekicks would revolutionize the genre.

Instead, it damn near bankrupted both companies.

The hypermasculine fan-favorite Deadpool & Wolverine has now become the highest-grossing R-rated film in history, and Disney and Marvel have apparently responded by cleaning house of DEI.

Amazing the psychological effect on corporate heads once they’re reminded what a billion dollars looks like.

Word has it that Disney even built a special version of the Space Mountain ride to physically launch Ibram Kendi and Nikole Hannah-Jones into space, to rid the world of them for good.

Kevin Feige at Marvel has scrapped the studio’s “phase 4” woke projects, including Gaffman (about an everyday dude who becomes a superhero by wearing penis-compressing underwear) and Bindergirl (her flattened breasts give her abscess power!). And last week Disney canceled The Acolyte; the streaming Star Wars spin-off about black lesbian space witches will end after only one season, much to the chagrin of black/Danish star Amandla Stenberg, who only a few months ago recorded a rap ridiculing those who called the show “woke”:

Last I recall, woke is something we created,
Speak truth to power, keep an eye out for you silly racists.

Those are the real lyrics. Satire is not needed here.

And neither is Amandla Stenberg, as the melanincholy Dane’s next rap will certainly be titled “Throw Me a Bone, Gimme a Loan,” performed exclusively at the Screen Actors Guild credit union.

S’NO WHITE AND THE OCTOBER 7’D WARS
Not that Disney is out of the woods. It still has to deal with the albatross that is its Snow White live-action remake. Knowing what a disaster this film was destined to be, Disney shelved it for a year, hoping the public would forget the disastrous PR of star Rachel Zegler disparaging the original Disney classic while making wacky faces and screeching “weird,weird!”

Zegler, 23, is half Colombian, half Polish.

How can you tell a Polish Colombian? At the airport he shoves his boarding pass up his ass and gives the gate agent a bag of cocaine. At the security checkpoint, he waves his heroin at the guards so he can cut to the front of the line. He purposely approaches the drug-sniffing dogs because a customer’s a customer.

So last week Disney bit the bullet and released the Snow White trailer…and it promptly became the most disliked trailer in YouTube history, even surpassing the despised “black Little Mermaid”…and that trailer showed Ariel drowning in three feet of water.

A year ago, Disney announced that, due to a protest by “little person” Peter Dinklage (“little” in terms of character; physically the freak’s a midget), there’d be no live-action dwarfs, because Dinklage hates the idea of other tiny actors getting employment. So Disney settled on CGI dwarfs, and the results, as seen in the trailer, are so abysmal, the Sharknado filmmakers were like, “It should be illegal to have effects that bad.”

Adding to the spectacle, the Wicked Queen is played by Gal Gadot, who’s far more attractive than the odd-looking Zegler (who inherited the Polish beauty of Roman Polanski and the Colombian charm of Pablo Escobar). Indeed, in the film it’s not the Queen but Snow White who asks the magic mirror, “Who’s the fairest of them all?” to which the mirror replies, “Not you, you goofy-faced ferret.”

Adding to Disney’s headaches, last week Zegler went on a tweetstorm declaring FREE PALESTINE over and over. That her costar Gadot is a proud Israeli likely means no joint press junket.

In response to Zegler’s declaration of support, Hamas leader Sinwar invited her to tour Gaza, assuring the actress that she’d be safe from rape because “even we have standards.”

As Disney prepares to take a bath (Bluddle-Uddle-Um-Dumb) on this turkey, this is one fairy tale in which the princess doesn’t “ride off” in triumph. Rather, she’s a write-off in defeat.

MAYOR MC(GOVERNMENT)CHEESE
There’s picking the wrong pony, and there’s picking the wrong species. When Tucker Carlson passionately defended disgraced former Rep. George Santos last year, that wasn’t betting on the wrong horse; it was betting on a sloth that found its way onto the track.

Last week Santos pleaded guilty to felony fraud charges, including “stealing people’s identities and making charges on his donors’ credit cards without authorization.”

Tuck should champion Dolton mayor Tiffany Henyard next: She stole an entire town’s credit card!

Dolton, Illinois, is 92 percent black.

Dolton so black, its city fathers won’t acknowledge it. Dolton so black, everyone uses a sickle-cellphone. Dolton so black, it got its charter from Rent-to-Own. Dolton so black, the top sport is the 100-meter dine-and-dash. Dolton so black, even its natural spring fountainhead got a weave.

In a town like that, it’s not surprising that things aren’t buoyant.

Dolton’s $3.65 million in debt. Henyard ran up that debt with her City Hall credit card. In one case, Henyard spent $40,000 in one day on Amazon purchases for herself. If that seems impossible to believe, consider that that many boxes were delivered to a porch in a black town and not one was stolen.

Henyard also used city funds for her personal meals and travel.

The woman used an entire town as an EBT card. Impressive!

The town’s now bankrupt; the super’s coming next Monday to turn off the water and power.

Meanwhile, Henyard has fled as her house of “cards” comes crashing down.

Oh what a tangled weave we web.

FACING RESPONSIBILITY
The Age of Masks is drawing to an end, thanks not to some great epiphany about how stupid the whole mask thing was in the first place, but rather because masked Muslims are terrorizing Jews.

Last week the Nassau County, New York, legislature passed the nation’s first mask ban, in part to stem the violent pro-Gaza protests that have been rocking the state. The idea is, let the “Damaskuses” cheering the Holocaust be facially seen so that they can be doxxed to HR.

One Asian legislator warned that the new law “could lead to anti-Asian hate,” because the only way to stop New York blacks from beating Asians to death is to allow Asians to hide their identity with masks.

But c’mon…the eyes give it away.

In L.A., masks are the preferred evening wear of criminals. Last week in South Central, there was an assassination at a gas station. As Marquette Deon Scott sat in his car, an SUV pulled up next to him, and a lumbering big-bootied thick-thighed beast of a black woman exited, riddled Scott’s car with bullets, then waddled away. The killer was wearing a mask and hoodie, but the body type gave it away.

Note to black women: If you want to hide your identity during a kill, do some cardio. Or at least don’t go back for that tenth plate at the all-you-can-eat rib joint.

Scott’s mother “said the father of four was Christmas shopping when her son was killed.”

Ain’t that something? The one time in history a black man is early, he gets murdered for it.

Also, “Christmas shopping” for four kids at a gas station mini-mart might just be the most ghetto thing ever.

At least blacks, who never “masked up” during Covid, have finally realized what a gift the white man gave ’em. Considering how popular masks are with black criminals, it can be argued that the “N” in N95 now stands for something else.

NO MAS(COT)
Just three days into the school year, California’s already lost a principal.

What, exactly, was the man’s crime? After all, Cali ranks 37th out of 50 states in “education attainment;” only 47 percent of students can read at their grade level, and only 33 percent can do basic math.

In a state that tolerates such dismal standards, what on earth could Principal Robert Nunes have done to get suspended so early in the year?

The school’s mascot twerked at him at a pep rally.

Nunes is principal at Buhach Colony High in Atwater (“Buhach Colony” was an 1800s coastal quarantine settlement for people who couldn’t stop violently clearing their throats. Not as contagious as lepers, but way more annoying). The Buhach mascot, Thor, God of Thunder (not a joke), thrust his “hammer” at a seated Nunes, as the auditorium full of kids cheered, and then Thor and Nunes switched places, and Nunes did a “low-key” (Loki, get it?) twerk back, declaring, “What happens in Buhach stays in Buhach!”

So in the California school system, not being able to read or make change for a $20 is fine; just don’t dare have fun with a mascot at a pep rally.

Also, at least the mascot wasn’t an Injun; forget suspension—that would’ve been a fireable offense.

The press is inaccurately reporting that the principal got a “lap dance” from Thor, but in fact it was just a standing twerk. Lap dances from mascots were outlawed in California after an unfortunate incident involving the San Diego Chicken’s pecker.

Atwater is 60 percent Hispanic and 30 percent white non-Hispanic, so perhaps the greatest shame of the incident is that there were so few black kids who could not only appreciate the twerk, but who, as per state educational standards, would earn credits in African-American Studies by viewing it.