The Week’s Most Reasoning, Treasoning, and Hurricane-Seasoning Headlines

UGH
In 2020 a 32-year-old Injun went missing in British Columbia. Sidney Mantee couldn’t be found anywhere (“Man-Tee” is his tribal name due to his talent for holding balls at the first hole).

When the RCMP visited Mantee’s cute 24-year-old white girlfriend Paris Laroche to inquire about his whereabouts, she told them she didn’t know, adding that he’s probably very sorry for troubling them. “In fact,” she said, “I bet he’s in pieces over it!”

Then she winked broadly at the cops, who said, “Well, no suspicious behavior here, eh,” and left.

Turns out Laroche had smashed Mantee’s head to a pulp as he was sleeping (this is NOT how Indians like getting hammered), and even as the cops were visiting her, in another room she was “cutting him up into fine bite-sized pieces to allow fish the ability to consume the evidence.” She disposed of the body at Hub City Fisheries, a hatchery.

So if you ate salmon from Western Canada in 2020, chances are you have more Indian in you than Elizabeth Warren.

Laroche was meticulous in her work. She left no trail of tears…or blood.

She buried his heart and his wounded knee at Wounded Knee.

And why’d the little vixen do it? The night of the murder, Mantee “harmed” her cat. Didn’t kill it; all the Canadian papers say is “harmed.” Which leaves a lot to the imagination.

“Prosecutor Nick Barber stated while Laroche suspected her cat had been abused by Mantee, she couldn’t confirm it as fact before she slaughtered him.”

Paris Laroche: the “cat lady” of J.D. Vance’s nightmares.

Last week Laroche was convicted of second-degree murder; she’ll be out in ten years. The judge specifically mentioned the cat when handing down the light sentence. He then retired to chambers to eat lasagna and pout because it’s Monday.

PEDAL TO THE MEDAL
As is customary at every Olympics closing ceremony, the next city up stages a preview of its games, and L.A. got its shot Sunday night. Though the presentation, in which George Gascon raped and murdered Brigitte Macron, might’ve been a little too avant-garde, even for the French.

L.A. mayor Karen Bass has declared that L.A. ’28 will be the “no-car Olympics,” with all participants forced to take public transportation. This opens the door to a new set of potential events, including “breath-holding surrounded by transients with TB,” “urinating schizophrenic stream-dodging,” and of course “endurance test of sitting next to Mexican women with crying babies.”

Participants who proceed on foot will have their own events, including “keep your sneakers while running through Carson,” and the West Hollywood relay, in which you’re chased by trannies waving their members. The object is to not grab the baton.

Remember, L.A. has a terrible history with cars and the Olympics. On the eve of the opening ceremonies in 1984, an Inglewood black man—Daniel Lee Young, who thought he could shape-shift into Michael Jackson—drove his car down a crowded sidewalk in Westwood Village, killing one tourist and injuring 54, including members of the opening ceremonies marching band, who traded 76 trombones for 77 compound fractures.

This is from the subsequent court case: “Young claimed he had turned into Michael Jackson. Appellant also said he had done this before and was never arrested.”

With L.A. having lost half its black population since 1984, leaders are seeking insane black men from other cities to import for the ’28 games.

Auditions are already underway.

Auditionee: “I can turn into Kanye West! Sieg heil, man. I got lemon-lime robot kangaroos in my tube socks.”

Mayor Bass: “Very nice work. How are you with running down pedestri…wait a minute, you ARE Kanye West!”

West: “KANYE INVISIBILITY CLOAK, ACTIVATE!”

[Pause]

Bass: “Uh, I can still see you.”

West: “Jew.”

OLD AGE HOMELY
As if ugly people need more bad news…

A new study published in Social Science & Medicine claims that attractive people live longer than their unattractive counterparts.

Karl Malden (died at 97), Ernest Borgnine (died at 95), Mel Brooks (98), and Gene Shalit (98) would beg to differ.

On the other hand, Gary Coleman, Joey Ramone, and Dustin Diamond are like, “They may have a point.”

A panicked Paul Giamatti and Steve Buscemi await further research.

The study was conducted by two eggheads who obviously don’t care about crushing the feelings of the ugmos: Connor Sheehan from ASU and UT Austin’s Daniel Hamermesh (please, Hamermesh, don’t hurt ’em).

But in today’s racially sensitive age, how’d they define “attractive”? We live in a time when it’s damn near illegal to call people like Leslie Jones and Gabourey Sidibe anything but stunning. Indeed, today Hollywood counts among its Golden Age timeless beauties Nell Carter, Mabel King, and Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son.

Well, Sheehan and Hamermesh found a way to get around those issues (please, Hamermesh, don’t skirt ’em): “The authors analysed data from a study that tracked more than 8,300 Wisconsin high school students from 1957 to their old age or death in 2022.”

Genius! In the 1950s Wisconsin was 0.8% black. The researchers likely had to pass judgment on very few “people of color.” Oh, they could’ve done Louisiana, South Carolina, Mississippi, or D.C. But no. They studied blondes and dairy farmers.

And for once blacks aren’t complaining about being “left out” of a scientific study. Funny how that works.

As for Jews? They just point to Kissinger. Power may be not only the ultimate aphrodisiac, but the Fountain of Youth, too.

BAPTISM BY FIRE!
What do you get when you cross a mentally ill black woman who hears voices, a rogue white cop who plays by his own rules (which read “do whatever you want to anyone anytime”), and a pot of boiling water?

Well, either the season’s best new buddy-cop show or worst new blacky/cop shooting.

Sonya Massey of Springfield, Illinois, thought her house was haunted by demons (it was probably mice). She was well-known to the city’s mental health “mobile crisis team” (aka the Battymobile). The night of July 6, Massey called 911 because the demons were being particularly loud (they’d gotten into her Ripple).

Enter Sean Grayson, a hulking 6-foot-4, 230-pound cop with a history of aggressive behavior, citizen complaints, and a dishonorable Army discharge for repeated disciplinary infractions.

The demons fled immediately—they knew somethin’ bad was about to go down. Cowards!

Questioning Massey about her call, Grayson noticed a pot of boiling water on the stove. There was nothing in it, just water. It wasn’t for food; Massey just liked the crackling sound—reminded her of a McDonald’s deep fryer (white noise for most black people). When Grayson told her to remove the pot from the flame, Massey held the pot toward him and repeatedly said to Grayson, “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.” Grayson pulled his gun, Massey threw the water, and Grayson shot her in the face.

It was a “meet cute” movie moment courtesy of Sam Peckinpah.

Grayson’s now facing first-degree murder charges (of course), the media’s neither mentioning nor showing that Massey did indeed throw the water (naturally), the sheriff has resigned (what else?), and the demons returned to the safety of Candace Owens’ head (“I rebuke science in the name of demons!”).

Meanwhile, over at Forbes (didn’t that used to be a respectable mag?), Columbia’s DEI chief Janice Gassam (funny enough, a black woman, not a German) connected the Massey shooting to Trump’s criticisms of Kamala Harris (during his recent “lispy” X interview with Musk), claiming that even though “the world acknowledges the brilliance and beauty of Black women” (to which the world replied with surprising unity, “Speak for yourself, lady”), Trump’s Harris attacks and Massey’s death indicate that black women are “under attack.”

Seems like she has demons too. Put on a pot of crackling water and chill, Janice.

THIRD WORLDCOIN
Meanwhile, as American blacks fear ghosts while chucking cauldrons, over in Africa, where blacks worship ghosts while stirring cauldrons, the locals are lining up to let a Jew scan their eyeballs.

How times have changed! In the 1980s Africans wouldn’t let whites in general, let alone Jews, administer AIDS meds out of fear it was a “genocide conspiracy.”

So why the change of heart? Why are Africans lining up like there’s free government cheese?

Why else? They’re being paid to!

Billionaire OpenAI CEO and possible Antichrist Sam Altman has created a system for individually scanning and “registering” the irises of every human on earth. Worldcoin, an “identity verification and cryptocurrency system,” uses something called “Orb” to “take images of people’s irises and grant them a unique World ID” that can be used for “online shopping” and certainly not by governments to track your every move.

Last week Altman revealed his creation in Nuremberg.

C’mon…must he be that obvious?

Altman claims the scanning is necessary to mitigate the risks posed by the AI that’s been unleashed on the world by…Altman.

C’monnnnn…he’s just daring everybody to become Alex Jones at this point.

In Kenya and Uganda, locals are being paid $50 a head to get their eyes scanned. The natives can then use their World ID to shop on Etsy for brand-new mud and stick gods.

Last week the government of Kenya suspended Altman’s operations in that country after a government minister reminded President Ruto, “Dude, we’re Africans. We don’t even trust X-rays.”

In response, Altman replied, “By the fiery skull of Asmodeus I shall be avenged!” before catching himself and saying, “Crypto, it’s super cool! You can use it to play Final Fantasy and everything!”