Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Colonial, Demonial, and Closing-Ceremonial Headlines

CHIMPS LOSE FACE
When chimpanzees attack, they go for the face. And while the story of Travis the face-eating chimp is well-known, less publicized is that of NASCAR driver St. James Davis.

Davis owned a chimp named Moe, but the city of West Covina ordered it placed in a sanctuary. In 2005 Davis visited Moe to celebrate his birthday, bringing a raspberry/chocolate cake. Upon seeing Moe eating cake, two other chimps escaped their cages and attacked Davis for not giving them a piece. They ate his face (yes, they could’ve eaten the cake, but by then it had become a matter of principle).

It’s easy to feel sympathy for Davis. Of all the reasons to lose your face, his is the most ignominious.

Faceless Guy No. 1: “Our jeep hit an IED in Fallujah. I dragged my buddy out of the burning wreck… I didn’t even realize flaming fuel was dripping on me.”

Faceless Guy No. 2: “I rescued three children from the fire before the floor gave way and I plummeted to the basement, burning debris raining down on my face.”

Davis: “Mister Bongo wanted cake. And to be fair, it was really good cake. It’s not his motives I question, but his methods.”

Last week in Uganda, a chimp ate a human baby. An entire human baby.

People have got to learn the consequences of not bringing enough cake for everyone.

And a few weeks prior to that, at the Edinburgh Zoo, a male chimp was set upon by his troop and yes, they ate his face.

The reason for the brawl is unknown, but it almost certainly involved frosting.

THE PENILYMPICS
That the Paris Olympics have been dominated by testicles isn’t surprising, considering that the French are such dicks.

Two apparent men have been demolishing females in the boxing ring. One, Lin Yu-Ting, is Taiwanese. But as Asians lack dimorphism, trying to figure out the men from the women is like trying to guess the orchard from the applesauce.

But then we have Algeria’s Imane Khelif, who totally looks like a man, and who so badly flattened the nose of Italy’s Angela Carini with one punch, she withdrew from the fight.

Algerian? More like Malgerian.

Conservatives immediately attacked Khelif as a man.

Not-a-gal-gerian.

Whereas the IOC claimed “she’s” just a “very strong woman.”

A-mule-named-Sal-gerian.

As for Carini, she held a press conference claiming Khelif’s inclusion in the women’s competition was unfair (killed-her-morale-gerian).

So what exactly is Khelif? According to this well-reasoned Quillette piece, “it’s” a mutation. Identified as female at birth, but with a Y chromosome instead of two Xs. So where do you place a beast like that in sports? Nobody wants to say.

What is clear is that the Y gives Khelif the ability to deck women like Tom Sizemore on steroids.

To reference a legendary boxing film, you might say Khelif has the “Y of the tiger.”

It’s the Y of the tiger,
It’s the shill in the fight,
Beating up all the females who are rivals.
And the glass-nosed survivor is laid out with a right,
As Khelif medals thanks to the YYYYYYYYYYYYYY…of the tiger.
Dun…dun-dun-dun…dun-dun-dun…dun-dun-duhhhhhhhhh.

In other Olympic penis news, nobody’s questioning French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati’s gender. The poor bastard was about to medal when, on his final jump, he failed to clear the pole because his huge member knocked it down. And while Ammirati’s going home empty-handed (though is someone that endowed ever “empty-handed”?), he does have a standing invitation from Pete Buttigieg to come to the White House to show off his “pole” in person.

DEI IN THE SKY
Last year Forbes ranked Frontier the worst airline in America.

Frontier’s so bad, passengers are stored in the overhead compartment. The in-flight reading is a catalog of urns for plane crash victims. There’s no instructions for sitting next to the emergency exits because the doors are just painted on. Oxygen masks don’t deploy from above, toe tags do. And when you land, the flight crew says, “We know you have many options when choosing carriers…why the hell did you choose us?”

Still, though Frontier may be rock-bottom in customer satisfaction, safety, cleanliness, and professionalism, it’s No. 1 in diversity hiring. But last week in Houston, one of its DEI pilots, a linebacker-size ungentle giant named Seymour Walker, was arrested while preparing for takeoff, based on a warrant for wife-beating (bitch had to learn what happens when you keep refusing to return your tray table to the upright position).

Because cops waited until the last minute to make the arrest, the flight had to be canceled, as Frontier couldn’t immediately find a replacement pilot (it takes time to post a Craigslist ad). Frontier doesn’t do vouchers, but passengers were offered EBT cards.

Cops could’ve arrested Walker earlier, so as not to inconvenience everyone else. When asked why they waited until he was on the plane, a Houston PD spokesman cited the “You Dang Dukes” rule of Southern law enforcement: Only pursue an offender when he’s in a vehicle.

HPD spokesman Rosco P. Coltrane told the AP, “We were gonna let him take off so we could chase him in a biplane, but I guess that couldn’t work because of oxygen or something. Gyuck-gyuck-gyuck!”

Also last week, an elephant woman boarding a Southwest flight in Burbank was kicked off because the crew feared her head full of bulbous noncancerous tumors might be contagious. In fact, “elephant man disease” is genetic. One helpful passenger tried to keep the poor woman on board by claiming she was his emotional-support pachyderm, but no dice; she was ejected.

It was especially egregious as the woman had specifically bought a seat in the “I am not an animal” section.

Southwest apologized for the incident, promising that from now on all elephant passengers will receive extra peanuts.

DE-LIVER-ANCE AND ONIONS
What a month! All those Pete Conrad celebrations. The parades, the concerts, your daughter begging for that Pete Conrad doll, your son already planning his Pete Conrad Halloween costume.

Of course, nobody knows who Pete Conrad is. He was the third man to walk on the moon, and nobody ever remembers the third of anything.

Unless the “third” is black.

Simone Biles is an extraordinary athlete; she doesn’t need the media’s affirmative action, but she gets it anyway. “Simone Biles clinches gold in Paris, makes Olympic history,” screamed the Yahoo Sports headline.

“Made history”?

Well, no. “Simone Biles made history, winning the gold in the individual all-around final to become just the third woman to win the women’s individual all-around twice.”

So…she’s the third woman on the moon.

Commander Conrad, if only you’d been black, you’d be famous.

Meanwhile, the actual “winningest woman” for Team USA poses a problem for the press. Wrestler Amit Elor, described by Yahoo as “perhaps the most dominant of Team USA’s 592 Olympics athletes,” made actual history, not just by her record number of wins, but by becoming the youngest U.S. wrestler in history, male or female, to win gold.

So where’s the Wheaties box? The Nike deal? Well, there’s a problem—the California-born Elor’s parents are Israeli. And everyone knows that to champion her now would mean “victimized” Palestinians would blow you to kingdom come.

Not helping matters is last week’s revelation that Israeli reservists had been sodomizing Palestinian detainees at a Gaza detention center. Who knew the Appalachians ran that far east?

The detention center was located in the town of Beit Lid, now renamed Ned Beitty Lid.

Considering the religious dictates of both sides, it’s unlikely anyone squealed like a pig.

PLAY FREEBIRD? GIVE FREEBIRD!
Last week Newsweek reported “Rates of shoplifting reached staggering levels, increasing by 24% in the first half of 2024, according to the Council on Criminal Justice’s mid-year report.”

The Council on Criminal Justice is of course governed by Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, and Dayton city management public works analyst Seymour Goldblatt.

According to Newsweek, this sharp increase is driven by “inflation,” as families “seek necessities they can’t afford.”

“These generally aren’t thrill-seekers looking for an adrenaline rush or big score. These folks are taking things that they really, really need, things like food and clothing and even makeup.”

Yes, the homeless black thugs and organized Salvadoran gangsters cleaning out stores really need that blush to give their faces that fresh-from-the-shower glow.

Funny enough, the only aisle at CVS that doesn’t get looted is “bread for your families.” Indeed, stores are now using that aisle to hide the pricier items.

Meanwhile in Memphis, a sista named Monica Williams wanted some free chicken to feed herself. So she went through a Church’s drive-through, ordered, then refused to pay.

Well, employee Anitra West was havin’ none o’ that. The two ladies embarked upon a lengthy philosophical discussion of “oh no you dih’nt” and “you workin’ my last nerve” until Williams finally drove off, unfulfilled. So she parked and gunned down West when the latter came out to use her phone.

“Take that, you no-chicken-givin’ ho.”

West’s ex-husband told the press that the shooting couldn’t have just been about food. “I know Anitra was too important to be killed about some food. It wasn’t about no food. It was something somebody took personal, and couldn’t let it go. Once you get past words in Memphis, everybody knows how it turns out.”

And there’s your new Memphis city slogan.

No joke: Williams’ defense is that even though the shooting was captured on security video, “there wasn’t no human witnesses, so I get to go free.”

Behold Kamala’s first SCOTUS pick.