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The Week’s Most Rustic, Fustic, and Augustic Headlines

ROMA WASN’T BILKED IN A DAY
Gypsies, tramps, and thieves
We’d hear it from the people of the town
They’d call us gypsies, tramps, and thieves
But every night all the men would come around
And lay their money down

[In Norm Macdonald voice] “If you ask me, it seems like the people of the town are kinda hypocrites. Also, if you don’t wanna be robbed by filthy Gypsies, maybe don’t go into their camp and ‘lay your money down.’ Try exchanging it for goods and services instead.”

As if the U.S. doesn’t have enough immigrant crime, a flood of Romanian Gypsies is making a generation of Americans ask Hitler, “You couldn’t even finish that job? A people whose only weapon is werewolf curses?”

In Charlotte, North Carolina, three female Roma immigrants have been on a most unique crime spree: wearing long-flowing dresses with top-to-bottom inner pockets, they steal designer baseball bats at sporting goods stores (such bats can retail for as much as $800).

Because of their incredibly unlikely item-of-choice, the traveler chicks cleaned out a half-dozen stores before word got around: Be on the lookout for godawfully ugly, hairy, huge-hipped wart-faced gorgons.

Sadly, that APB led to a major case of mistaken identity, as cops rounded up Pramila Jayapal.

Last week the smelly-goats grift were apprehended in nearby Asheville. Meanwhile, in Southern California, a bunch of Romanian immigrant Gypsies found themselves behind bars after posing as federal agents to shake down illegal Mexican street vendors.

The con was successful for months, because it’s the nature of Mexicans to cower before those with superior greasy swarth. Gypsies are saltwater crocodile to the Mexican caiman.

No word if the victimized Mexicans are applauding the Romani aliens for their “better food.” Though it’s conceded that while Gypsies may not have the best courses, they have the best curses.

EXSTINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN
J.D. Vance and Kamala Harris got into quite a scrape last week. After Harris cackled that “climate change anxiety leads people to ask themselves if it makes sense for you to even think about having children,” Vance shot back, “It’s almost like these people don’t want young people starting families or something. Really weird stuff.”

Defending Vance, Elon Musk tweeted “Shamala is an extinctionist. The natural extension of her philosophy would be a de facto holocaust for all of humanity!”

Granted, “Shamala” may not be the most devastating nickname in history—fact is, it might even help Harris lock down the all-important Three Dog Night vote. But to be fair to Musk, when it comes to “extinctionism,” dude knows what he’s talking about considering all the people he coddles on X who want to exterminate the Jews.

But the flaw in Vance’s claim is that in fact leftists are not anti–all children. Just some children. Under Biden/Harris the illegal immigrant birth rate exploded. It’s hard to imagine people who increase immigration and welfare for high-fertility indigents being “anti-children.”

It’s just white children they don’t like.

It’s why the conservative line of attack against abortion, “It’s genociding the black community,” failed to move the needle politically. Blacks were like, “I gots too many damn kids already!” Remember, for every black abortion there’s a black man saying, “Now I don’t got child support to worry about. I wouldn’t pay it anyway, but it’s nice to know I won’t get hassled.”

If leftists have a vision, it’s not of a childless America but a white-less one. A very shortsighted plan. Think of how that will impact the immigrants themselves: millions of Mexicans with no fancy white houses to garden. Indian phone scammers cold-calling only to realize that they’re reaching other Indians.

“Hello, sir, I am from Microsoft Security…”

“Panjit, you moron, I’m at the cubicle down the hall.”

Besides, if Kamala “extincts” humans, leaving only greenery, how will she ever again get ahead…or a head? You can blow a leaf, but you can’t “blow” a tree.

THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE CHOW IT
Speaking of pave paradise and put up a tarting lot, last week The New York Times declared that in order to “save the earth,” we’re gonna have to change what we eat. Or not eat at all.

Okay, that’s “extinctionist.”

In a piece titled “Food as You Know It Is About to Change,” “climate expert” David Wallace-Wells bitches that there’s too much food production in America and not enough in Africa (he must not have heard of the African nations that used to have more than enough food before slaughtering and driving out white farmers).

He also wants everyone to eat plants: “The impact of a switch to a plant-based diet would provide half of the emissions reductions needed to keep the planet from warming by more than two degrees.”

But he laments that isn’t happening because vegetarianism and veganism are in decline.

Oh, did someone bring up Africans again? No black American has ever felt passionate enough about cress to shoot the man selling it.

In 38 percent black Rochester, New York, last week, a “backyard barbecue” became a backyard bloodbath as gunfire erupted among 100 revelers attending the unauthorized event held at a park (in violation of an 8 p.m. curfew decreed in June by Mayor Malik Evens following a shooting at a Martin Luther King event).

Two women—Tyasia Manning and Phylicia Council—died, and five are hospitalized. Descriptions of the suspect(s) were not released, but here’s a photo.

Okay—so maybe that’s one small point in Wallace-Wells’ favor: a kale and parsnip event would likely not bring out the crowd, or the guns.

Until the arguments start at the farmers market over cold fennel.

GHALY GOSH O.G.
Mind you, these disputes don’t always involve guns.

Arsanyous Ghaly had a dream—to excel in athletics. As a black man with a name voted “dumbest ever” by everyone in the world, Ghaly first tried his hand at basketball.

As per his page on the Bellflower High basketball team website, his stats of 5’5″, 150 lbs. didn’t interest the NBA.

What can you say? Dude likes to eat.

But Ghaly, aka Kareempuff Abdul-Jabbar, refused to give up. It occurred to him that his tubby physique might lend itself to swimming. After all, if bloated carcasses float, maybe he would too!

Still, a black man in water sports…seemed like a risk.

Then his cousin had a great suggestion: Jet Skis! Don’t be in the water, be on it.

In July 2023, Ghaly, 18, obtained a stolen Jet Ski. With no safety training or boater’s card, Ghaly and his cousin drove down to San Diego to show them white boys that blacks can do water sports.

But once Ghaly saw the Jet Ski pros, he was like, “Damn, them white boys be good.” So the disable-bodied seaman decided to ski in the kids’ swimming area, no boats or Jet Skis allowed.

Ghaly’s affinity for ribs may have ruined his NBA aspirations, but ain’t no white-boy rules gonna keep him from skiing straight through a bunch of children.

Gunning to 53mph (the top speed for his Yamaha), Ghaly was stopped by a lifeguard craft. When the lifeguards asked him to leave the kids’ area, Ghaly replied, “You RAYCIST,” and sped away. And the lifeguards let him go, making no effort to call it in or clear the children out of the way.

“Whoa, dude, when I went to Baywatch school nobody told me I’d be called racist. I knew I’d see bewbs; I just didn’t expect them to be Fat Albert’s.”

Ghaly struck and killed a 12-year-old girl.

Last week Ghaly was charged with felony vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence. And the family of the little girl filed suit against the city of San Diego for its piss-poor lifeguard training and piss-poorer lifeguards.

Perhaps a ban on blacks in water sports might be in order. “Swim Crow” could save lives.

HE “MADE” HIS BED…NOW SLEEP IN IT
Gwyneth Paltrow’s high-end “lifestyle” company is called Goop.

It oughta be called Poop.

Among the outrageously expensive products Paltrow sells is a candle scented to smell like her vagina. And as bad as that may sound, it could only have helped last week after what her friend did in the guest cottage bed of her Hamptons mansion.

Derek Blasberg—described by Variety as “a professional best friend to celebrities”—was staying at Paltrow’s home when, per Variety, “Blasberg reportedly ghosted the Oscar winner’s house after an unseemly incident in her guest cottage involving an intense bowel movement which wrecked the place.”

He pooped everywhere, then quickly fled.

You’ve heard of dine and dash? This is scat and scat.

Speaking of dining (to revisit an earlier theme), Paltrow proudly boasts of eating mostly vegetables. Assuming that Blasberg dined at her house that evening, see what that diet does to you?

Others claim FecesFest 2024 was caused by Ozempic. While some suggest it’s because he tried to watch Paltrow’s Mortdecai, the 2015 flop costarring, ironically, a celebrity who had his own “poop in the bed” problems.

Variety added that news of Blasberg’s excremental breakdown was likely leaked (whoa, bad term for this tale) to warn the guy’s other A-list friends, like Jerry Seinfeld and Oprah Winfrey, to avoid him. Seinfeld doesn’t typically employ black humor, but maybe brown will be more to his liking. And Winfrey? Famous for shouting, “You get a new car,” well…if Blasberg stays over, she’ll need a new carpet.

Not a joke: Another product sold by Goop is a “steaming vagina” kit. Congrats to Blasberg for introducing Paltrow to the wonders of steaming anuses.