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The Week’s Most Sciatic, Rheumatic, and Olympiadic Headlines

THE LONG HOT SUMMER GAMES
In the immortal words of Orson Welles, “Muah-ha-ha the French.” Arrogant when they should be humble (rude to tourists for no reason), humble when they should be arrogant (surrendering their nation to immigrant savages), the world’s version of “if I could buy you for what you’re worth and sell you for what you think you’re worth, I’d be a billionaire” is now hosting the Olympics.

And as expected the event is starting out stupid.

The French have declared the 2024 Olympiad the “climate change games.” And, showing the canny common sense that led them to try to civilize Haitians, the Frogs are launching their climate crusade by banning avocados.

Well, that’ll mend Mother Earth.

Yes, Paris officials have banned avocados from Olympic Village because of the “carbon imprint.” And whereas Mexicans love to lecture American whites for “disrespecting” their “national fruit” by calling guacamole “guac,” there’s been no protest from the Mexican team regarding the ban. Maybe that’s because no one knows there is a Mexican team (Mexico’s won only thirteen gold medals in the entire history of the Games, and all were in the leaf-blowing competition…which ironically is now banned because the blowers run on gas).

Worse still, Parisian Olympics officials have banned air-conditioning! Oh, and french fries are banned as well. A slap in the face to America’s black athletes: In searingly hot dorms with no AC, rooms in which no fry could possibly go cold (a black person’s dream), fries will not be allowed.

That’s just mean.

Also, the French banned hijabs on female athletes, leading to protests from Muslim nations.

Brilliant. In a year in which Israeli athletes will already have a target on their backs, make the Ali Akbars even angrier.

Perhaps Paris officials should get advice from Munich about how to handle a hostage crisis.

Wait…scratch that.

LA MARSEILL-YUCK
If you’ve never heard of Felix Bourg, get ready for your head to explode.

Literally.

In April 1922, Bourg decided to play the best prank in history (or at least the best until this year’s “Kamala’s the best we’ve got” prank the Democrats just pulled). Placing a stick of dynamite in his top hat, Bourg lit the fuse and went strolling through town, greeting friends with a friendly nod.

Then his head blew up.

There’s commitment to a bit, and there’s commitment to a bit.

The French reacted to the gag with such shock and outrage, they swore to never again tolerate humor. Hence their embrace of Jerry Lewis.

So don’t expect the Paris Olympics to be funny.

Intentionally, that is.

An obstacle faced by French Olympic authorities was that the Seine was too polluted for swimming (a people known for stinky cheese and body odor have smelly rivers? What a shock). So at great expense, the river was (kinda) cleaned. Which led the nation’s massive constituency of welfare recipients to bitch that the money should’ve been spent on them instead.

So—and this is true—the layabouts plan to re-pollute the river by mass-pooping in it before the swim events.

French “Resistance”? More like “Rear-sistance.”

Meanwhile, the Chinese Olympic swimming team, which tested positive for drugs so many times Kamala fellated them just for the contact high, has been allowed to compete, as long as they take regular drug tests during competition.

The Chins will now have the “privilege” of swimming in the Dungtze.

Frenchies, are you trying to start a new Covid?

DRESSAGED TO KILL
Adjusted for inflation, what’s Clint Eastwood’s most profitable movie? Dirty Harry? Million Dollar Baby? Unforgiven? Nope—it’s Every Which Way But Loose, in which Eastwood drives around Bakersfield in a pickup truck with a lovable orangutan named Clyde as they listen to country music while punching bikers in the face.

The film’s based on the work of Charlotte Brontë.

Sadly, the orangutan who played Clyde was beaten to death by his trainer for the crime of stealing a doughnut. According to the L.A. Times, the animal was “beaten for 20 minutes with a 3 1/2-foot ax handle. He died soon after of a cerebral hemorrhage.”

Okay, just try to enjoy that movie now. Even Sondra Locke’s ghost is like, “Damn, Clint, that’s some cold-ass brutality.”

To continue with the Olympics theme, Charlotte Dujardin, Britain’s gold-medal hopeful in the dressage category (“dressage” is of course show-horse riding, although in parts of Britain it’s also Eddie Izzard wearing a miniskirt and scratching his balls), had to pull out of the competition last week after video surfaced of her beating the living tar out of her horses.

Dujardin’s backup plan to compete while riding large bottles of glue was rejected by Olympic officials.

There’s no word on who leaked the video, but according to the AP, an anonymous source named “Wilbur” told them the horse personally complained “that psycho bitch is killing me.”

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And this one gets whipped till his voice is hoarse.
You never heard of a talking horse?
Because Charlotte Dujardin disciplines him by force,
So he stays silent from fear, perforce.

JUST SAY NOTOTHEN
UCLA is one-third Asians studying STEM, one-third whites studying black history, and 3 percent blacks studying cold fries. And now this esteemed “educational institute” has hatched a genius idea to up its enrollment.

A rooftop garden where students can take psychedelic drugs.

Yes, put a bunch of nitwit youths ten stories up and give them LSD.

To be fair, the number of “I can fly” deaths might make the endeavor worthwhile.

UCLA’s odd plan comes as blue states struggle with increased drug-related crimes. Last month in Reedsport, Oregon, Joshua Heckathorn, a 20-year-old white slacker, got stoned on pot and killed 18,000 salmon in a hatchery by pouring bleach into the tanks because it made him giggle (to be fair, bleach has the electrolytes fish crave).

Last week fish-genocider Heckathorn (aka Adolphin Hitler, Pollock Pot, Joseph Sta-ling, Ayatollah Koimeini, Mako Zedong, and Ide Amin) got a whopping thirty days in jail, and he’s already out.

Heckathorn told The Oregonian, “Pass the bong…and the Clorox.”

Meanwhile in Virginia, after Virginia Beach Police Chief Paul Neudigate (not to be confused with Paul Nudie-Gate, the scandal in which Rand Paul ran naked through Congress waving his wanker) complained of rising pot-related crime, State Dems replied that the problem would be solved via legalization…this the same week Politico reported that Colorado’s legal weed market is collapsing because the black market remains dominant.

It seems it’s not only the users who’ve broken their brains on pot; the pro-legalization politicians are right behind them.

TWERKPLACE VIOLENCE
DEI has produced one inadvertent benefit for whites: With whites kicked out of the workforce, disgruntled “people of color” have no one to target but other POCs.

Take the case of UPS driver Expedito De Leon. And honestly, has there ever been a better name for a delivery guy than “Expedito”? He was born for the job, like a cook named Delicioso or a septic tank cleaner named Caca. Sadly, Expedito was murdered by his lifelong friend and fellow UPS driver Jalipa Fontanoza (whose name seems more suited for a Taco Bell menu item). After an office fight, Jalipa trailed Expedito on his Irvine, California, route and shot him fourteen times. He then took the corpse and threw it over a homeowner’s fence to dent it, because UPS delivery habits die hard.

And last month in San Francisco, a discrimination lawsuit was filed by Asian ex-fireman Gabriel Shin over a 2022 attack that left him permanently disabled. His crew had been ordered to hire a black man because the tiny Chins at the station kept getting tossed around by the firehose. So the station hired ungentle giant Robert Muhammad, a man simultaneously tightly wound and not tightly wrapped. Immediately, Muhammad’s coworkers saw signs of mental instability (like, more than normal in angry blacks). He became paranoid that the “slant-eyes” were talking about him behind his back (don’t ask what he thought they were putting in his Coke). And for their part, the “forever-Democrat” Asians tried to mollify the guy, even to the extent of offering to work his shifts if it would stop his outbursts.

No dice. Muhammad fixated on Shin as the “Chink enemy,” and on Shin’s day off, Muhammad grabbed a hydrant wrench from the station, drove to Shin’s house, and turned him into Pow Zedong with a furious combination of blows to the arms, head, and ribs.

Practically comatose (“the Great Sleep Forward”), Shin’s life was saved when a white neighbor came to his rescue with a handgun and Muhammad fled (that the white neighbor could differentiate between a Chinaman’s pained screams and normal Chinese conversational screeching was impressive).

The city refused to fire Muhammad. Instead—and this isn’t a joke—it fired Shin when he refused to drop the charges. The city’s fire chief Jeanine Nicholson, who never neglects to boast “I’m LESBIAN” during every interview, personally okayed booting the Cantonkneecapped Shin as punishment for his racism.

So now Shin’s suing the city for discrimination, claiming that Muhammad—who still works for the SFFD—was given preferential treatment because he’s black, while Shin is unemployed and crippled.

Shin then yelled Kamala 2024!

Coda (also not a joke): When a process server went to the station to hand Muhammad legal documents, Muhammad followed the guy in his car and tried to run him off the road.

It seems at the moment that between calling the fire department or letting your house burn, San Franciscans are safer doing the latter.