Abraham Lincoln

Source: Public Domain

The Week’s Most Sheltering, Peltering, and Sweltering Headlines

HONEST GAYBE
The problem with declaring everyone gay is that eventually you run out of heroes to spotlight because gay stops being special. Ever since LGBTOs (“BTO” because “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” is the anthem of every tranny who flashes schoolgirls) abandoned the “10 percent standard” of the 1980s (“10 percent of people in the world are gay”) for “everyone’s gay, everyone’s trans, we’re the majority,” LGBTs have lost the niche market that gives birth to things like Black History Month, Black Inventors Hour (“traffic lights and peanut butter. Damn, we still have 59 minutes left”), and Black Mathematicians Minute (“Benjamin Banneker and Katherine Johnson. So what do we do with the next 57 seconds?”).

Out of necessity, gays have started vulturing older icons, claiming dominion over the already revered.

A new Hollywood documentary, Lover of Men: The Untold History of Abraham Lincoln, claims to present evidence that the Great Emancipator was more like the “Great! A man sips peter.”

That pun is so bad it qualifies for the death penalty in ten states.

The film explores Lincoln’s “deep ties with daring, dashing guys and includes interviews with historians from Harvard, Columbia, Brown, Wellesley and Rutgers. One expert sums it up: ‘Lincoln probably slept in the same bed with more men than he did with women.’”

So from now on, “Lincoln slept here” should be followed by “and you might want to wash the sheets.”

Still, if the film’s correct, it finally explains why Lincoln chose Johnson as his VP.

The movie also makes a few questionable claims about Lincoln’s assassination, including that he was only at the theater that night because he thought it was going to be a musical (“oh my God, where are the tights? The dancers? The pizzazz?”) and Booth only shot him because he wouldn’t stop loudly bitching about the costumes (“what seamstress put together that monstrosity? I could sew better sinking on the Hunley, girlfriend”).

Perhaps the strongest argument for Lincoln not being gay is that no gay man would try to rock a beard without a mustache. “Okay, that is like seriously Appalachia hillbilly. Unless you’re about to kill a Hatfield, spend a day at a hair salon, sweetie. Our chins aren’t for curtains…or drapes.”

RHETORIC BUTLER
Following the attempted assassination of Donald Trump in Butler, Pennsylvania, and the killing and wounding of his followers, a nervous nation looks for a savior. Who can rescue us from this tempestuous political moment?

Only one man: Washington Post chief correspondent Dan Balz.

You may know his father, Claude Balz, author of the classic study of survival in the Kalahari, “Naked in a Lion’s Den.”

Or his brother Kenneth, aka “bro Ken Balz.”

Or his Sikh brother-in-law Balu Balz, who’s never been good with women.

And the less said about uncle Harry Balz, the better.

Last week Dan Balz penned a magnum opus in the Post calling for all sides—all sides, you hear?—to lower the fevered political rhetoric. He cited the 2017 baseball field shooting of GOP Congressman Steve Scalise as evidence of “Democrats going too far,” and the hammer attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband as an example of Republicans doing the same…though the Scalise shooter was a die-hard leftist partisan with an agenda while the Pelosi attacker was a schizo homeless guy who flung poo, but sure, both attacks are the same.

It should be added that following the Scalise shooting, the WaPo—Balz’s paper—described the would-be assassin as “always angry” and “disagreeable” to all he encountered, yet nevertheless publicly shamed the shooter’s Republican neighbors for not befriending him.

For reporters at a paper-of-record to react to the attempted assassination by a Democrat of a Republican congressman by attacking his Republican neighbors for not being nice to him even as they admit that he was an “always angry sourpuss,” then to come out and say, “Hey, let’s not be partisan hacks,” well…that takes Balz.

Like Dan Balz’s great-grandfather Ignatius Ronald Balz.

Also known as I. Ron Balz.

JULYTEENTH
The Texas slaves who learned in June 1865 that they were free had a letdown a month later. No EBT cards or DEI hiring, no New York Times opining on how slaves invented everything.

So it only makes sense to observe Julyteenth, marking the end of the initial Juneteenth exuberance.

Here’s how Julyteenth played out this year.

Estinfil Filsmagre sounds like a cheap “Touch of Gray” hair-dye knockoff.

“Estinfil…fills my gray!”

But in fact he’s a murderous thug who lucked out. Locked in a Broward County cell for stabbing a dude, but unable to have an in-person hearing due to Covid, Filsmagre caught a break when the county decided to clean out a bunch of “time-serveds” to clear backlog. “Filsmagre is back at home with his daughter!” crowed the Miami-Dade College “justice” newsletter.

But Filsmagre didn’t stay with his daughter long (you expected otherwise?). He moved to Indianapolis, knife in hand, looking to celebrate his escape from Miami and child support at a bar called Miami’s Garden (“it’s like home, but no baby mamma”). According to police, Filsmagre became enraged because…you think he needed a reason?…and stabbed nine muthas outside the bar.

But this is black Indianapolis, where stabbed muthas fight back. Bystanders beat Filsmagre so bad, his mug shot is a living illustration of “Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple o’ pieces gone.”

Seriously—compare the Miami mug shot to the Indianapolis one. “Bad Bad Leroy Broward” had a lousy Julyteenth.

Then there’s Kimbrady Carriker. A year ago he celebrated Juneteenth by shooting seven muthas in Philly, killing five. Carriker was condemned to a mental institution, but last month his lawyer announced that he’s well again. Cured.

A Juneteenth miracle!

Carriker’s father, Grady Carriker (who looks like the most pissed-off Morgan Freeman ever), celebrated the news by pouring gasoline on his own mother and cousin and setting them on fire.

Those Carrikers…what characters!

Dad and son can now share a cell and reminisce about better times…and future crimes.

NO PUN(JAB) INTENDED
Last week was not a banner(jee) one for Indians and Pakis. First, in Queens, an immigrant cabdriver named Jamshaid Choudhry (not to be confused with “Jam Shed Chowdery,” the New England version of “Love Shack” (“JAAAAM SHED…CHOWDERY!”), used his shoe to decapitate a statue of Jesus/a> in front of a Catholic church (Our Lady of the Crappily Built Statues). Police knew the attacker was Muslim not Hindu because Hindus only add heads to gods, they never remove them (“your God only has one head and two arms? I pity you, sahib”).

Texas Democrat Taral Patel, handpicked by Biden to serve as White House liaison for housing, urban development, and disaster recovery (another brilliant Biden move, as India lacks housing, has zero urban development, and loses about a million people a year to disasters), is currently running for county commissioner of Fort Bend.

Last September, Patel got his campaign off to a rollicking start by claiming “racist harassment by right-wingers” on Facebook. And indeed, the comments were nasty, mocking his faith, questioning his immigration status, even threatening to lynch him.

Patel’s GOP opponent suspected that those “racist comments” were a little too over-the-top. So he went to the local DA. And last week Patel was arrested; investigators were able to trace the hateful Facebook accounts straight to his own computer.

Tragic that a man born to hack the computers of old white people kept his own PC so poorly secured. It’s the ultimate irony when an Indian needs help from Microsoft security.

DOOMMATES
Local Republicans had a bad week too. Marisa Simonetti is a “conservative” running for Hennepin County, Minnesota, commissioner.

Simonetti checks every MAGA politibimbo box: huge breasts, crazy eyes, manic speech, a “last thing Phil Hartman saw on earth” psycho smile, out-of-wedlock kids, and a record of real estate fraud and domestic abuse.

In other words, Trump’s dream VP pick.

But alas, ’twas not to be. Simonetti had brought a roommate into her leased house without asking permission from the home’s owner. And last week she impulsively decided that she wanted the roommate gone, so she ran through the house screaming GLORY JESUS HALLELUJAH while banging metal pots, and when the housemate emerged due to the racket, Simonetti threw a live tarantula at her.

Funny enough, that’s Steve Bannon’s strategy for dealing with Kim Jong-Un during the next Trump administration.

Simonetti was arrested. She explained to the media that she threw the arachnid because she’s a “silly goose” who was “trying to re-create a scene from Home Alone.”

That’s an actual quote.

Maybe choosing Palin was McCain’s greatest crime against conservatism. Look what the hell that started.

Meanwhile, an Arab in Miami went from reading Mohammed to bleeding mo’ harmed. When Hamid Hamidi rented a room from hot Latina fashion model Mariel Rivera Samuels, he told his imam, “Forget the suicide bombing; I don’t need the virgins—I’ve got my reward on earth!”

What Hamidi didn’t know was that Samuels was also a hot Latina schizophrenic, and last week she lunged at her Rumi-mate with a butcher knife, trying to murder him. When the panicked Hamid barricaded himself in his room and called the cops, Eva Long-gorier charged them, forcing them to open fire, turning Salma Hayek into Salma Bye-ek.

Farewell to Trump’s Latino outreach coordinator.