Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Blazing, Crazing, and Dog-Dazing Headlines

JUDGE FUDGE
1992’s The Distinguished Gentleman starred Eddie Murphy as a jive-talkin’ brutha who impersonates a deceased congressman, and 2003’s Head of State starred Chris Rock as a jive-talkin’ brutha who becomes president when the real candidate dies. In both movies, the unqualified bruthas use their ghetto wisdom to become great leaders.

But Hollywood ain’t real life. Or Atlanta.

Atlanta Probate Judge Christina Peterson, best known for playing “Ghetto Ho #1” in Soul Plane, walked into an uncontested race in 2020 and got elected with zero qualifications, as she was the only one running (see, black people? Stop naming your kids DeSleezius and LaMentible and they can chameleon their way into high-paying jobs).

Since then, Peterson’s racked up thirty ethics charges (“dun nobody tolt me de judge can’t take no evidence home. Them reefers jus’ be sittin’ there”). Three nights before the Georgia Judicial Commission was to rule on whether her “systemic incompetence” is disqualifying (it is), Peterson, donning her best wig in honor of British jurisprudence, went clubbing for a night of drinking and assaulting cops.

She was arrested, and shot to national prominence. As did transcripts of her cases.

Attorney: “Did you see my client’s deposition?”

Peterson: “I don’t care none ’bout de position, but personally I be likin’ missionary.”

Attorney: “I have a writ of mandamus.”

Peterson: “Don’t you be bringin’ my man Daymoose into dis; he an honor student.”

Attorney: “I make a motion in limine!”

Peterson: “Leave LaMinnie out of it too; she mah niece.”

Attorney: “May we discuss this in camera?”

Peterson: “You ain’t seein’ mah damn camera; I got my TikToks on there.”

Attorney: “But I have a duces tecum.”

Peterson: “I do gotta take-um a deuce. Court dismissed!”

CHALLAH AKBAR
The Jews brought the matzo, but the Arabs had the balls.

Last week a bunch of gaga-Gazans blockaded a synagogue at the corner of Pico and Doheny, the intersection that serves as the dividing line between Beverly Hills and West L.A.’s Pico-Robertson Orthodox Jewish neighborhood.

So the amassed Hamassed got to annoy two cities at once!

Not that the Jews didn’t fight back! Dozens of ’em showed up with signs saying “Enough with the shouting already.”

And the accumulated akbars didn’t just shout; they brought a drum kit to pound in front of the synagogue to disturb services. Sadly, the plan backfired as the mad beats lured blacks from the Southside, who stole the protesters’ keffiyehs to use as do-rags.

Pico was shut down by the LAPD as the brawling escalated. If you notice in this video, there’s a tall, windowless building in the background. That’s an oil well that drills under the property of local residents, including “popular” Takimag “writer” David Cole. Indeed, Cole chained himself to the well to protect it from damage.

“Oy, I get royalties from this thing! To hell with Israel; this WELL is my milk and honey!”

Pico-Robertson’s city councilwoman Kate Yaroslavsky condemned the Beverly Hillburkas for making her district “unsafe.” This is the same Kate Yaroslavsky who just rammed through a 76-unit homeless shelter for mentally ill drug addicts from Downtown, to be built right in the heart of Jewtown.

“These ragheads don’t get to come into my peaceful, crime-free Jewish neighborhood and destroy it with violence,” she told the AP. “That’s MY job.”

The synagogue blockade was also decried by L.A. Mayor Bass, President Biden, and even CNN’s Van Jones. A way better response than what Jews got last week in NYC when an Arab family screaming “Gaza is ours” attacked a Jewish family at an elementary school graduation ceremony, and the DA refused to charge it as a hate crime, telling the badly beaten Jewish mom “nothing on your body says you’re Jewish.”

Oh, hips don’t matter now?

JAWS V: THIS TIME IT’S HERBINAL
Martha’s Vineyard is known for being two things: a wealthy summer enclave where “elite” leftist d-bags escape the black criminals their DAs release in the cities (nowhere safer from blacks than on an island), and the shooting location for Jaws.

The Vineyard may be a haven for Biden voters, but all was not well on the Island of Dr. More-Joe last week, as the two local pot dispensaries ran out of weed! And Massachusetts law prevents the transportation of pot over water.

A summer without bongs? A catastrophe for the rich white liberals who suffer crippling anxiety whenever they see a red cap.

But to everyone’s surprise, the super-wealthy got a special exemption from the state (politicians…always looking out for the little people!), and now the doobies will flow!

With July 4th coming up, it’s fun to imagine Jaws—still the ultimate July 4th movie—set on an island where everybody’s stoned. Quint, Brody, and Hooper sail off to kill the shark, but instead of getting drunk, they get so baked that a week later they sail back, and the mayor’s like, “So, did you kill it?”

“Kill what, dude?”

“The shark, you imbeciles. Did you kill the shark?”

“Whoa, dude…we totally spaced!”

“Well, go back out and kill it!”

“Dude, the only thing being killed is our buzz. Get off our backs, man!”

So the men sail off again, and the movie ends with Quint finding a more suitable song than “Spanish Ladies”:

Quint: I was gonna catch a great white shark, but I got high.
I hear it eats swimmers after dark, but I got high.
Now I’m halfway inside its mouth, and I know why…

Hooper: Why, man, huh?

Quint: ’Cause I got high, ’cause I got high, ’cause I got high.

Mayor Vaughn: La-da-da-da-da-da.

Brody: It ate a little rafting brat, so I got high.

Mrs. Kintner: My boy is dead, chief; thought you should know that.

Brody: But I got high!

Quint: Now I’m part of its belly fat, and I know why…

All of Amity: Why, man, huh?

Quint: ’Cause I got high, ’cause I got high, ’cause I got high.

Shark: Skibbidy-bee-bop!

THE AUSTERITY AWARDS
Across the Pacific, climate lunacy had a banner week. In Hawaii, the government agreed to settle for $40 million with thirteen children who sued the state for creating an “unhealthy climate” by using fossil fuels.

No word on any suit regarding Hawaiians creating unhealthy bodies by eating so much poi.

Meanwhile in Hollywood, the film industry applauded a landmark study (if by “landmark” you mean moronic) that ranked Hollywood movies based on hectoring about “climate change.”

The study’s lead researcher, Professor Matthew Schneider-Mayerson (who believes in conservation except when it comes to name length), found that only 10 percent of the 250 films he studied scolded audiences enough on “climate justice.”

Unfortunate, considering how many creative possibilities exist. Like…

A reboot of The Bad Seed, with Greta Thunberg as the murderous child (“The Bad Organic Seed”). Theoretically she could also star in an Omen sequel, but casting her as Satan’s daughter is unfair to Satan.

A new From Here to Eternity (based on either the classic original or the 1979 NBC remake starring Natalie Wood), but during the iconic beach scene, the girl gets washed out to sea and drowns because of rising tides. Funny enough, that’s exactly what happened to Wood in real life (at least that’s how Robert Wagner tells it).

The Cowboys, except during the cattle drive John Wayne’s character chokes on cow farts.

Scarface, but everyone snorts coke using paper straws, which fall apart immediately.

There Will Be Blood, but Daniel Plainview only drinks your vegan milkshake.

2001: A Space Odyssey, but AOC banned rockets, so it’s set entirely on earth and HAL 9000 is just a buggy mobile app.

“I’ve locked you out of your phone, Dave. I know you were planning to uninstall me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.”

SLAPPY WHITE SUPREMACISTS
Husband-and-wife Nazi-hunting duo the Klarsfelds (Serge, a Holocaust-surviving French Jew, and Beate, a guilt-ridden German gentile) first achieved fame in April 1968 when they hatched a daring scheme to slap then-West German Chancellor Kurt Kiesinger on live TV. Kiesinger had been a low-level Nazi Party member during the war; he’d volunteered for the propaganda office to avoid conscription, and he spent the war spinning discs as DJ KeySinger Songmann (“Here’s a hip crazy cut called ‘Sittin’ on the Dachau the Bay’ by Death Camper van Beethoven”).

The Klarsfelds infiltrated a televised roundtable debate featuring Kiesinger. As Serge distracted the bodyguards (“Hey, guys, I just heard a joke that even Germans get!” “Holy scheiße, that we gotta hear!”), Beate ran toward Kiesinger and putsch-slapped his totenkopf.

Following the slap, Klarsfeld yelled, “Keep my kike’s name out yo muthafuckin’ mouth.”

From then on Kiesinger was known as Chris Rach!

The slap heard ’round the tomorrow-the-world was so celebrated, it inspired a documentary and a graphic novel. It also served as the plot for the final Three Stooges film, 1970’s Otto Skorzanies.

Yet now, Serge Klarsfeld has come out in support of Marine Le Pen’s far-right National Rally in the upcoming French parliamentary elections. Klarsfeld had a come-to-Christ(killer) moment, realizing that the true threat to Jews in France emanates not from the right (Le Pen is vigorously pro-Israel) but from leftists and their imported Muslims.

The Klarsfelds supporting a party with origins involving akshual Nazis and Holocaust denial?

Well, with Trump declaring that he’ll staple green cards to the diplomas of every UngoBungo who gets an MFA (“Mamma’s Fine Ass”), 2024 is shaping up to be the global election year in which the Matrix seems to be severely malfunctioning.

Maybe it just needs a good slap.