The Week’s Most Bacterial, Venereal, and Juneteenth Funereal Headlines

MR. FREEZE MEETS MR. FRIES
Another Juneteenth, another body count as America’s blacks celebrate the freedom to murder each other. Incidents in Texas, New York, and California were Juneteenth business as usual.

Unique this year was the president making Juneteenth headlines, as he froze like a statue at the official White House Juneteenth event. The simple-minded Biden (aka “Jejuneteenth”), surrounded by fans of Tyler Perry and Madea, acted more like he’d just met Tyler Perseus and Medusa—turning to stone, making the Disney Hall of Presidents robots look like breakdancers (to be fair, one form of breaking is called “locking”; maybe Biden was doing “joint locking”).

Juneteenth marks the day Texas slaves learned, two years after the fact, that they were free. Ironically, last week Biden learned, three years after the fact, that he’s president.

When your memory’s shot, every day is Juneteenth.

Blacks got a special Juneteenth gift when the Pew polling org was forced to amend a poll from two weeks ago regarding black Americans’ belief in “racial conspiracy theories.” After being pounded for suggesting that blacks who fear “Jew doctors giving them AIDS” are engaging in “racial conspiracy theories,” Pew changed the wording to assure readers that anything any black believes is fact. Just as no black student can ever get a wrong answer, no black anywhere can believe a fiction.

Happy Juneteenth, blacks! You’re not just free, you’re inerrant.

As for Biden, who’s incontinent, the White House played off the freeze by stating that Biden was merely following along to some old-school rap:

Raise your hand in the air,
And freeze it with a vacant stare,
Biden don’t even know he’s there,
Old man can’t even climb a stair.
Everybody say HEY!
“HEY!”
Say HO!
“KAMALA!”

LGBTUTURN
Hipster L.A. neighborhood Silver Lake made headlines last week after Councilwoman Nithya Raman (the India-born socialist who gave personal protection to the homeless man who flings feces at outdoor diners) ordered the removal of all “no U-turn” signs from the area, in order to “combat homophobia.”

According to local trans activists “Maebe A. Girl” and “Pickle” (the L.A. Times refers to this duo as “Girl and Pickle” with zero irony), the no U-turn signs were a by-product of the 1980s, when the city tried to stop gay men from cruising neighborhoods looking for AIDS receptacles.

Other removed signs include those that limited traffic on residential streets from midnight to 6 a.m.

As the Times points out (again, with no irony), the signs aren’t needed because with Grindr and other hookup apps, gay men rarely “cruise” anymore (a tacit admission that the signs used to actually work).

Still, the removal of the U-turn and anti-cruising signs represents a job only half completed. L.A. is still rife with dozens of LBGT-themed traffic signs, including:

“Flashing Yellow”—Asian man up ahead wearing only a raincoat.
“Lane Ends”—Nathan Lane up ahead bent over with his pants down.
“Bump”—Self-explanatory.
“Rough Road”—S&M ahead.
“No Outlet”—Anus so wrecked, colostomy bag installed.
“Passing Zone”—Give/get AIDS here!
“End School Zone”—Protest sign for those banned within 600 feet.
“Slow: Keep Right”—Commentary on Milo Yiannopoulos’ intelligence and politics.
“Wrong Way/Do Not Enter”—Caution: women ahead.
“One Way”—Nonbinaries keep out.
“500 Feet”—250-person orgy zone.
“Van Accessible”—CNN’s Mr. Jones is on the down-low.

And finally…

“Weight Limit 10 Tons”—Rosie O’Donnell, go elsewhere.

PLEASE MA’AM-ER DON’T HURT HIM
Sometimes you eat the “bare,” and sometimes the bare eats you.

As a child, Seattle’s Emma Lee had two dreams: to tattoo her body to look like a skeleton, and to serve coffee while in a bikini (because what’s more appetizing that being served drinks by a skeleton?).

Lee began working as a “bikini barista” at a drive-up coffee stand where men who’ve never heard of the internet go to get a peek at female skin. After scrimping and saving (forgoing that new tattoo of deep fascia), Lee was able to buy the stand.

Now the owner, she set her own prices. And last week when a male customer pulled up and ordered one 32-ounce coffee and one 24-ounce water, Lee charged him $22.

When the man balked, an argument ensued. The gentleman took the drinks and threw them at Lee, who responded by pulling out a hammer (don’t ask from where) and smashing the crap out of the dude’s windshield.

Somebody tell that man about OnlyFans. It’s still an undignified way to get off, but at least bimbos can’t reach through Wi-Fi with a weapon.

Interviewed after the incident, MC-cup Hammer told the Daily Mail, “We work alone in this industry, wearing nearly nothing and interacting with men, most of which we don’t know.”

When the reporter corrected her that it’s “whom” not “which,” she stuck a screwdriver up his rectum.

Meanwhile in Lakeland, Florida, 22-year-old Chassidy Gardner was working the night shift at a 24-hour McDonald’s (a questionable idea in a 20 percent black city) when a carful o’ bruthas claimed she got their order wrong. Chassidy responded levelheadedly by throwing a drink at the men, who promptly threw one back at her.

Well, Chassidy don’t play wit’ no hammers! She pulled out a handgun and fired shots into the vehicle, missing the occupants but landing herself in jail.

Coming soon: an urban reboot of Being There, in which ghetto simpleton Chassidy Gardner is mistaken for Chassid the Gardener, a brilliant Talmudic scholar and horticulturalist.

“I can’t write…I can’t read…I like to put bullets in niggaz.”

IS ANY TACO WORTH THIS?
Have Americans finally had enough “better food”?

In 2018 when an illegal bean in Iowa stalked and murdered 20-year-old Mollie Tibbetts, the dead girl’s father defended the community’s illegals, declaring, “As far as I’m concerned, they’re Iowans with better food.”

Anyone can make a daughter. But it takes skill to make good manchamanteles.

However, a recent spate of attacks by south-of-the-border-jumpers might have Americans reconsidering whether the empanadas are worth the violence.

Last week Victor Martinez-Hernandez, an illegal Salvadoran, was arrested for the rape and murder of mother of five Rachel Morin on a Maryland hiking trail. The arrest followed that of Jose Ibarra, a Venezuelan illegal who murdered 22-year-old nursing student Laken Riley on a Georgia running trail.

Illegal beans have made the outdoors so dangerous, even Jason from Friday the 13th doesn’t leave his cabin anymore.

Also last week, a group of enraged New Yorkers nabbed and beat an illegal bean rapist. Ecuadoran Christian Inga-Landi kidnapped and raped a 13-year-old girl on the grass at a public park (in Ecuador, ants are the least disgusting thing at a picnic). Funny enough, Inga-Landi was cornered by angry residents after entering a Queens deli.

Ain’t that something? America’s sacrificing its daughters to illegals in the name of “their amazing food,” but all the illegals want is a bagel and lox.

If they don’t appreciate their food, why should we?

Besides, look at the names of Salvadoran, Ecuadoran, and Venezuelan dishes: pupusa, yuca, mondongo, guasacaca, pisques hongo. They warn you not to eat them via their disgusting names.

Time to return the “better food” to the kitchen and tell the “chefs” that the yelps they’ll receive aren’t from reviews but beatings.

SOUTH SIDE STORY
Combining two of this week’s themes—polls and immigrants—a new CBS/YouGuv poll found that a majority (53 percent) of America’s Hispanics favor mass deportation of illegals. Perhaps a recent humiliating incident in L.A. explains why.

Disney Concert Hall in Downtown L.A. was born of a bad idea. “Genius” architect Frank Gehry designed the roof to look like giant metallic tanning reflectors. It never occurred to him that those things reflect heat; that’s the point of them.

The heat-ray roof ended up blinding drivers, neighbors, and pedestrians. The city had to buff the sheen off the entire building, leading the Canadian Gehry to declare, “Eh, it wasn’t my design, you hosers.”

It’s embarrassing when a supposedly brilliant maestro is forced to hide behind “I didn’t do it,” kinda like when Beethoven was booed in Vienna after debuting his latest piece, “Achy Bachy Heart” (“I’m deaf, a-holes! I had no idea how it sounds”).

So it makes sense that Disney Hall was the location of last week’s “worst idea ever.” The L.A. Corrections Dept. decided to hold the “graduation” of its juvenile criminals at the same time the LAUSD “special ed” class of short-bus dimwits was holding its graduation ceremony.

The Corrections kids were black; the special-ed kids immigrant Mexican.

Mentally debilitated, criminally inclined teens who despise each other’s race. What could possibly go wrong?

It took mere minutes for the brawl to begin. Teens rumbling like a 2024 West Side Story.

Mexicans: “Everything’s free in Amer-i-ca, we get EBT in Amer-i-ca!”
Blacks (angrily): “For slavery in Amer-i-ca, not your history in Amer-i-ca.”
Mexicans: “We cut the grass in Amer-i-ca.”
Blacks: “We kick Asian ass in Amer-i-ca.”
Mexicans and blacks: “We all fail the class in Amer-i-ca, whitey gives us a pass in Amer-i-ca!”

Sadly, at that point DerShawn went solo: “I feel nappy, oh so nappy, I feel nappy and happy and gaaaaaaaaay!”

Juan (drawing his gun): “Gay? Faggot!”

Yes, the guns came out and the melee spilled into the street. Nobody was killed, and (believe it or not) nobody was arrested. Mainly because DA George Gascon was one of the brawlers.

His only dilemma?

“Retards versus criminals? I could take either side!”