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The Week’s Most Faddy, Paddy, and Day-for-Daddy Headlines

THE THIN BLACK LINE
After a state trooper was killed last week by a drugged-up driver during a traffic stop in Wethersfield, Connecticut, the township council refused to fly the “thin blue line” flag in his memory.

The majority-Democrat council declared the flag a “hate symbol.”

As a consolation, the Dems agreed to fly the town’s LGBT Pride flag at half-staff (that’s not a joke), even though the trooper was not gay and left behind a wife and kids. But even that offer was a cruel joke; the Pride flag was already at half-staff because someone forgot to call the town tranny “ma’am.”

This hostility toward law enforcement is explainable by the fact that Wethersfield is 94 percent white (the rest Asian and “mixed”). Not much call for cops ’round those parts, except when old Phineas McFeely gets liquored up and his pig snout-dials the rape hotline.

Wethersfield has a McDonald’s, and amazingly, nobody’s ever been shot there.

But on the other hand…one look at the Yelp page for the Wethersfield/Rocky Hill McDonald’s shows dozens of whites and Asians very upset with the service.

“Wow. Slowest line I’ve ever been.”
“Very rude to customers. It’s a garbage place.”
“Workers were extremely rude. I left crying and angry.”
“The ice cream machine is never working.”
“Inattentive. An ordeal just to order a cup of coffee.”
“I’m not sure who manufactures their ice cream machine but it always seems to be broken.”
“Can someone explain to me why we had to wait over 20 minutes for a vanilla shake?”

Over forty comments like that, from customers leaving “crying and angry” without even trying to murder anyone.

See what happens to McDonald’s when blacks aren’t around to keep employees on their toes? Blacks are a nationwide network of fast-food quality-control inspectors. Except if you fail the inspection, you don’t get written up, you get riddled up.

THE HIGH PRICE OF DREGS
Continuing the topic, last week saw a flurry of articles about the skyrocketing prices of fast food. A widely publicized survey concluded “nearly 8 in 10 Americans said they now view fast food as a luxury.”

McDonald’s prices have doubled since 2014.

McDonald’s president Joe Erlinger published an open letter declaring that $18 Big Mac meals should not be the norm. If only he had any power to stop it! Sadly, due to company bylaws, he has to run all policy changes past Mayor McCheese, who’s a real meathead.

But maybe there’s a McMethod to the McMadness.

Companies like McDonald’s are frequently sued by employees and bystanders injured when Daquan gets cold fries. This grows costly, considering that there are a dozen fast-food shootings a week.

In March, Reuters reported that high prices are keeping blacks away from fast-food restaurants.

Back in 2014, medical author Shereen Jegtvig suggested raising fast-food prices to drive away blacks “for their own health.”

Or maybe the health of employees and customers.

So perhaps McDonald’s did the math: lawsuits and bad publicity vs. lost black business due to price increases.

Now that higher-income groups like Indians, Chinese, Japanese, and Jews are more likely to comprise the bulk of customers, that might end up presenting its own set of issues.

Indian: “Your fries use beef flavoring? You’ll feel the wrath of Shiva! I burn your bride, sahib!”

Chinaman: “You run out of sweet ’n’ sour sauce? Your dog will be my meal!”

Jap: “McFrurry machine bloken?” (takes out a sword and runs himself through)

Jew: “Oy, these fries are colder than gefilte fish! You’ll be investigated by the ADL as a hate criminal!”

#MEJOO
It must’ve seemed like a good idea at the time: hire a far-left Jew-hating D.C. ghetto spore as a correspondent. Or so The Hill thought in 2022 when it hired Briahna Gray to host the online show Rising. Initially, the program was about McDonald’s prices, with every episode consisting of Gray screaming, “Fries be too damn ’spensive!” But The Hill eventually let her cover international issues. And she used that platform to repeatedly attack…Jews!

What a surprise!

One of her topics, which she also tweeted, was “Why Zionists always be usin’ da n-word?”

Also: “These Zionists are literally so dumb.” “The ignorance of the average Zionist knows no bounds.” “A lying Zionist!? Who would’ve thought!” “Why didn’t anyone want the Jews after the Holocaust?” And a tweet in which she presented “an argument for European Jews to go back to Europe and leave Palestine alone.”

During a Brooklyn symposium last month, Gray stated that Hamas is merely trying to create a pluralistic democracy “like we have in the United States.” When audience members laughed, she retorted, “This is the most Islamophobic, racist audience I’ve ever seen. I hope someone drops a bomb on this entire building.”

There’s that D.C. ghetto charm!

But last week Gray finally went too far. Interviewing the Israeli sister of a female Hamas hostage, Gray attacked the sister for repeating “discredited” claims that hostages were sexually abused, and when the sister implored Gray to “believe women” when they speak of sexual assault, Ms. “hot fries, cold soul” rolled her eyes mockingly and ended the interview.

The next day she was canned…much like the dollar-store tuna she’ll have to subsist on now that she can’t afford McDonald’s anymore.

#MeToo, but not if you’re a Jew.

Of course, Gray immediately took to Twitter to blame the firing on ZIONIST RACISM!

Farewell, Briahna Gray—the fast-food-loving one-trick pony.

A regular Mare McCheese.

SUPPRESS-IZE ME
Sticking with #MeToo, last week The Wall Street Journal alleged that Elon Musk has “created a culture at SpaceX and Tesla which made women employees uncomfortable.”

Musk is, of course, ignoring the “explosive” report—because how can a man who’s blown up more rockets than Iron Dome be shocked by anything that’s only figuratively explosive?

And the public? The notion that a doughy albino autist with resting duckface who retweets Nazis makes women “uncomfortable” failed to surprise the average American.

Still, at least one white dude got some posthumous #MeToo comeuppance.

When Morgan Spurlock died in late May, you might think the untimely passing of an Oscar-nominated director whose megahit Super Size Me earned over $22 million would be newsy.

But no. Because in 2017 Spurlock confessed to a history of sexual harassment and a college rape accusation.

It took rape to get Spurlock canceled, when in a perfect world him being a fraud would’ve accomplished the task. Spurlock—who claimed that a thirty-day diet of McDonald’s wrecked his liver, prompting McDonald’s to discontinue the super-size menu—hid from audiences the fact that he’d been an alcoholic since age 13.

Spurlock’s family refused to name the cancer that killed him, but liver’s a good bet.

Last week Eater.com finally caught wind of Spurlock’s passing, noting that the delay was because “eulogies were few and far between.” And The Guardian dismissed the death by remarking that Spurlock “never duplicated his one successful film.”

Well, that’s because he refused to branch out into other awards-bait topics, like inner-city basketball players (“Hoopercize Me”), the slums of India (“Poopercize Me”), the history of the Jheri curl (“Goopercize Me”), and the Nazi who quashed the Warsaw Ghetto uprising (“General Stroopercize Me”).

Spurlock is survived by a nation of angry fat men—and Brianha Gray—pissed that they now have to order two large fries to get their fill.

CLASS CLOWNS AMASS FROWNS
There aren’t many traits shared by ghetto thugs and Hispanic immigrants. Indeed, the two groups don’t care for each other at all. But one thing shared by both demographics is a distinct lack of whimsy. No appreciation for Hummel figurines or Paddington Bear. You’ll never see DaShawn sporting a unicorn backpack, and if Juan plays Chutes and Ladders, it’s only to get ideas for spiriting his relatives across the border.

Knowing this, it might be worthwhile for white boys to stop expecting whimsy from those groups.

Akron, 2022: Waggish white cutup Ethan Liming, 17, thought it would be delightfully mischievous to drive by the LeBron James Charter School for Gentle Giants and riddle the honor students with a rapid-fire water-gel pellet gun.

As thanks for his japery, the king of crack-ups got his skull cracked open.

Last October the two brothers who took down the Riddler (take that, Batman) skirted manslaughter charges, receiving 16/18 months for simple assault. At the sentencing, the judge told Liming’s family, “This is Akron. We haven’t had whimsy around here since Hee Haw’s Grandpa Jones moved away in 1935. I mean, the only famous white birthed here was Anne Heche. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

Two weeks ago in Goddard, Kansas, another wily little rascal, Anakin Zehring (yes, named after Darth Vader, because white folks), was playing “senior assassin”—in which graduating seniors pelt other students with “water-filled polymer-bead gel-blaster guns.” Embracing the dark side, Anakin was cruising a mall parking lot looking for victims when he spotted a young Latina. After pockmarking the poor girl’s face with bead indentations, Anakin went to celebrate at Goddard’s version of the Mos Eisley Cantina (Dairy Queen). But Edwina James Olmos called her papa—Ruben Marcus Contreras—who rushed over and shot Anakin like a Michoacan mayor.

Anakin survived, but without his intestines.

Last week he was fitted with his colostomy bag, Star Wars fans finally getting the answer to the age-old question of how Darth Vader “goes” in his suit.

Contreras faces multiple charges, including assault, attempted murder, and having all the jocularity of an Aztec priest.