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The Week’s Most Glomming, Aplombing, and Flowers-for-Momming Headlines

BREAKING BAD (WIND)
How do you know you’re the least popular American president in history?

When you lose a ratings war to farts.

In the 1990s, Howard Stern, at the time the most highly rated radio host in the U.S., dominated the marketplace by farting into the mic. That was his act. He’d fart, he’d say “lesbian,” and he’d fart again.

And for some reason Americans couldn’t get enough of it.

The Clinton era was one of high art.

Since Covid, Stern’s transformed himself into a proper respectable leftist. And last week, he conducted a humiliatingly fawning interview with President Biden. Sure, there were farts aplenty, but this time not from the host.

Stern praised Biden as the “father of the country” and lauded his “great leadership” on the economy, Ukraine, and opposition to Putin.

This from a man whose entire career was based on pootin’.

Following the Biden lovefest, Sirius—Stern’s station—revealed that it lost 445,000 subscribers.

People literally preferred hearing Stern pass gas into a microphone to hearing him praise Biden.

“Father of the country”? More like farter.

Another of Stern’s favorite gimmicks in his heyday was making fun of midgets. Lesson learned from the Biden interview flop: Mocking physical midgets is funny; extolling mental ones, not so much.

If Stern wants to regain his ratings cred, he may have to go back to the thing that really put him on the map as a “shock jock”: hosting loose women who perform oral sex on kielbasas because it’s the only skill they possess.

Then again, if Biden didn’t bring in the ratings, it’s unlikely Harris will either.

OH BABY, LET’S GET ILHAN
Poor Ilhan Omar…all the turban twerp was trying to do was be nice to satanic genocidal Jews. As she strolled through the pro-Hamas encampment at Columbia University, stocked as it is with tents dedicated to raping and beheading Jews, Somalia’s gift to the U.S. decided to issue a statement for the ages: Yes, Jews are genocidal, but dammit that doesn’t mean they should be killed!

“I think it’s really unfortunate that people don’t care about the fact that all Jewish kids should be kept safe and that we should not have to tolerate antisemitism or bigotry for all Jewish students, whether they are pro-genocide or anti-genocide.”

It’s the ultimate “Are you still beating your wife?” moment (a loaded question unknown in the Muslim world because the answer is always “Of course—why do you ask?”).

In Somalia the question is phrased “Are you still bleating your wife?”

Because they screw goats. Get it?

Omar’s opposition to genocide is questionable considering that she once described the Holocaust as “some people yid something.”

Speaking of the student protests, NYU professor Scott Galloway told Bill Maher last week that the unrest was the result of kids not having enough sex.

“I think part of the problem is young people aren’t having enough sex, so they go on the hunt for fake threats, and the most popular threat through history is anti-Semitism.”

Galloway holds the NYU chair in stupid answers to complex questions.

Also, he was talking to Maher, a man who once proudly admitted to self-pleasuring before every show. Which is why you never see guests shaking his hand at a taping.

If it’s lack of sex that’s leading to this anti-Israel militancy, how would that apply to Omar, a woman reportedly married to her own brother and also to a chinless white leftist, meaning that she has one husband for hot jungle sex, and one to cook dinner and tidy the house.

It’s unlikely she’s wanting for fulfillment.

Congress is scheduled to vote on censuring Omar next week…once Lauren Boebert returns from Galloway’s “Broadway plays suck because audience members aren’t having enough sex” seminar.

THE WORST JEWS YOU COULD CHOOSE
Neturei Karta is a cult of anti-Israel Orthodox Jews. The org, originally called Agudat Yisrael, was founded in 1938 in Jerusalem before relocating its HQ to NYC, where it changed its name because Agudat Yisrael sounds like something a black person is trying to say, but you can’t quite understand it.

“Agudat Yisrael, man.”

“Um…Laquan, I’m not sure what you’re saying.”

“Agu-dat Yis-rael, man!”

The new name, Neturei Karta, created its own problems, as it’s often confused with the Neuterei Carta, the historic document signed in 1215 by King John at Dogrunnymede that gave barons the right to chop off their dogs’ balls.

Members of Neturei Karta believe that Israel should be abolished, yet after the establishment of Israel, many moved there anyway to take advantage of the tax breaks and other perks given to the Orthodox. The cultists now live tax-free in the very nation they hope to destroy.

Orthodox? More like Ortho-dicks.

Last week Neturei Karta’s U.S. leader Yisroel Dovid Weiss stomped on an American flag and set it on fire to protest U.S. support for Israel, proving that the freaks in this cult have the ability to be ungrateful to two nations at the same time. Weiss is known for being a booster of Holocaust denial, even appearing as a speaker at the Holocaust denial conference held in Tehran in 2006 by then president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He’s also an enthusiastic supporter of Ilhan Omar.

In response to the flag-burning, Scott Galloway told CNN that it comes down to the Orthodox not having enough sex.

“Those sheets are expensive,” he told Wolf Blitzer. “And once you cut the hole, there goes the resale value.”

SIX-FEET-UNDERGROUNDHOG DAY
Has any decade gone by in which “LGBTs” don’t claim to be dying in a genocide?

This pathetic demographic makes Jews look stoic.

In the 1980s it was AIDS. “Oh my GAWD, we’re being genocided by AIDS!”

“Well, you know, you could just stop having unprotected anal sex until science comes up with medications to fight HIV.”

“Homophobe!”

And now, it’s genocide by suicide.

Last week the Trevor Project reported that 39 percent of LGBTs ages 13 to 24 said they’ve seriously considered suicide over the past year. That figure rises to almost 50 percent when narrowed to trannies.

The Trevor Project, in case you don’t know, is an LGBT advocacy org that claims all gay, lesbian, and tranny kids are this close to offing themselves. The group’s run by psychotic AIDS quilters whose constant subliminal suicide suggestions to confused youths are not very apropos but extremely Atropos.

True story—the org is named not after an actual gay kid named Trevor who killed himself, but a 1994 movie about a fictional gay kid who offs himself (starring Stephen Tobolowsky, the annoying insurance guy from Groundhog Day).

So the Trevor Project is named after a movie that told gay kids, “You’re gonna kill yerselves…c’mon, we know you will…don’t do it, of course…but c’mon…we know you’re gonna do it,” and nowadays it partners with tranny orgs that tell confused kids, “You’re gonna kill yerselves…c’mon, we know you will…don’t do it, of course…but c’mon…we know you’re gonna,” all in the service of publishing reports about how important it is to keep LGBT kids from killing themselves (while telling them that their suicide is inevitable) so please give the Trevor Project as much money as possible otherwise there’ll be a killing field in your city and you’ll be responsible…homophobe.

It’s fitting that an organization based on a film starring the Groundhog Day guy is essentially a real-life example of that movie, year after year replaying the same scenario, again and again, for all eternity.

Sadly, we’ll likely never wake from that infernal time loop.

AIDS QUILTING…WITH DIRTY NEEDLES
Sticking with a theme…

Say what you will about the supposed “holocaust” of tranny kids via suicide, at least we don’t have to worry about AIDS anymore!

Oh, wait…there’s immigrants.

“Vampire facials” is a “rejuvenation” procedure popularized by Kim Kardashian. Here’s how it’s described by the American Academy of Dermatology: “Blood is drawn from your arm, then placed into a machine that separates the platelets from the rest of your blood. It’s then re-injected into your face.”

Yes, people are doing this, because a Kardashian said it will make them look pretty, which is rather like taking diet advice from Marlon Brando’s bloated corpse.

A “vampire facial” clinic in Albuquerque, N.M., run by illegal beans has been giving patients AIDS by mixing and matching drawn blood, using blood taken from homeless crackheads—who donate it for $10 and a cookie—and injecting it into New Mexico’s elite society women (in New Mexico, an “elite society woman” is anyone whose husband’s job doesn’t involve leaf-blowing or selling freeway off-ramp oranges. So, we’re talking a very small population).

Last week the CDC released a report on the risk of getting AIDS from these facials. In the case of one “facialist,” Maria Ramos de Ruiz, the CDC noted that her unlicensed clinic featured “a rack of unlabeled blood tubes on the kitchen counter, unlabeled tubes of blood stored in the kitchen refrigerator next to food, and unwrapped syringes scattered in drawers, on counters, and discarded in regular trash cans.”

Ruiz is accused of giving four Albuquerque women AIDS. In her defense she claimed that while her treatments might not make them look younger, they’ll certainly get thinner.

AIDS is one of those diseases where it’s hard not to argue that those who got it did so because of their own poor judgment.

In the 1980s? Unprotected anal sex. In 2024? Going to a back-alley clinic run by landscapers who inject crackhead blood into your face because a Kardashian said it’s cool.

Not saying they had it coming, but…