Baton Rouge State Capitol

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The Week’s Most Trying, Plying, and Cinco-de-Maying Headlines

OFF THE BEATEN PATHOLOGICAL
Tranny advocates can’t find their Matthew Shepard, the gay man “beaten, tortured, and crucified by rednecks” in Laramie in 1998.

Of course, turns out the murder wasn’t a hate crime but a dispute over meth, but the legend lives on: innocent gay boy murdered by hillbillies.

Tranny activists have no Matt Shepard. They thought they had one in March when “nonbinary student” Nex Benedict was “beaten to death” by “transphobes” at her high school…but it turned out Benedict started the fight, had not been beaten, and committed suicide the next day, likely because someone used the wrong pronoun in zer presence.

While there’ve been cases of homeless street trannies beaten to death, the culprit’s always black!

It’s frustrating how rednecks just aren’t killing trannies.

Last week in Miami, a homeless trannynamed “Andrea Doria Dos Passos” was sunk by a fatal blow to the head as “she” slept outside the Miami City Ballet.

Could this be the one? Did Ron DeSantis’ racist Florida breed the trans-killing white villain the movement needs?

Nope. The suspect, Gregory Gibert, be so black, two weeks ago he was mistaken for the solar eclipse. He so black he was kicked out of Tampa cuz when he swam in the Gulf, people thought Deepwater Horizon be leakin’ again. He so black Nietzsche won’t gaze at him. He so black when he stands against a wall, Wile E. Coyote thinks it’s a tunnel. He so black he be banned from aviaries cuz he wakes the owls.

Flibberti-Gibert was on probation for a host of violent crimes, proving that even in Florida, demographics trumps DeSantis.

For its part, the Miami Ballet will feature a new dance, the Andrea Doria Two-Step, in the slain tranny’s honor.

PUNCHIN’ JUDY
Last month voters in L.A. City Council District 4 (the Hollywood Hills, hipster stronghold Silver Lake, and the Ventura Boulevard restaurant district) reelected Councilwoman Nithya Raman, whose platform is “hands off the homeless.” India-born socialist Raman was best-known for protecting the Ventura Pooman, a schizo who’d walk along restaurant row splattering diners with his feces.

You’d think voters might not want that. But not in District 4! Indeed, district resident Adam Conover, red-bearded hipster host of the popular series Adam Ruins Everything, campaigned tirelessly for Raman. And yes, voters listened to the guy who’s claim to fame is that he “ruins everything.”

So now, with Raman firmly in charge, things are being ruined. Last week a new schizo went walking along Ventura face-punching every woman he saw. Initially the cops didn’t even bother to investigate, knowing that Raman never allows the arrest of street lunatics. But after the local news covered the story, the cops took a perfunctory report, as Raman was like “Oh, bud-bud-bud, he’s just an oppressed traveler finding inner peace by bashing women’s faces.”

Perhaps the victims of the Ventura Basher can assist Adam Conover with his new series, Adam Ruins Eye Sockets.

Meanwhile, in NYC, another face-basher is making news. Daquan Armstead—yes, a literal Daquan—had been traipsing through Manhattan face-punching every woman he came across.

Note to black moms: If you name your baby Daquan, take it from the hospital straight to the nearest jail cell. Because that’s where it’ll end up anyway, so cut out the middleman.

Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg reluctantly had Daquan arrested—he had no choice. After crushing the faces of a dozen compliant Asian ladies—“Oh, puncheru me more, you gleat brack Adonis”—Daquan socked a black woman who filed an “oh no you dih’nt” report with the NYPD, the only type of report Mayor Adams allows cops to pursue.

Coast-to-coast, women are being flattered by schizos.

Correction: flattened.

BATON NOIR
News flash! Baton Rouge, June 29, 2022: Employees at Freddy’s Frozen Custard were riddled with bullets after customer LaGiggins Burnett received the wrong order.

News flash! Baton Rouge, June 1, 2023: Popeyes fast-food employee Kieran Demond Johnson got into a gunfight with a coworker, which spilled into the street, as both assailant and victim ran to a nearby Waffle House, where the shooting continued, with Johnson pumping shots into the victim’s buttocks because that’ll teach him to boast about having a bullet-free ass.

News flash! Baton Rouge, April 1, 2024: Easter Weekend, a dozen people were shot in and around fast-food joints, with one child being struck by stray bullets that came through her bedroom window. Police blamed McDonald’s’ black-themed “Ashy Wednesday” Happy Meal promotion.

News flash! Baton Rouge, April 22, 2024: Black gentleman Alvin Mott murdered a clerk at a Circle K, then murdered another clerk at a Kangaroo Express mini-mart.

News flash! Baton Rouge, May 1, 2024: Sassy black chick Latoria Matthews meets a guy on Instagram and invites him for dinner. Then she shoots him before they even get to the restaurant.

In completely unrelated news, last week the residents of St. George, a white suburb of Baton Rouge, won the right to form their own city and split from 53 percent black Baton Rouge.

Legal experts are puzzled as to why they wanted to do that.

The Week That Perished was slated to interview Baton Rouge Councilman DeBobbins Odom, but unfortunately he was killed buying a Big Mac. Fortunately, his adjutant Daquilliam Jackshun was willing to step in…but he was killed trying to buy a Whopper.

The Week is hoping to solicit comment from somebody in the Baton Rouge Metro Council…hopefully a vegan.

GO CHOKE A KOSHER CHICKEN
Last week a New York appeals court threw out Harvey Weinstein’s rape conviction.

What a relief! Now Quentin Tarantino can finally make Grindhouse 2.

The court’s decision revolved around that most contentious of issues in criminal trials: the extent to which a defendant’s previous acts can be presented to the jury. In Weinstein’s case, the court ruled that the judge shouldn’t have allowed jurors to learn of Weinstein’s history of rapery.

Which brings to mind another high-profile Hollywood trial: the case of John Sweeney. In 1982 he was dating actress Dominique Dunne—the teenage daughter in the original Poltergeist film—and what Dunne didn’t know was that Sweeney had a history of strangling every girl he dated. The man loved to strangle. It was his life’s calling. He was the only baby ever born with his umbilical cord wrapped around the doctor’s neck.

One night in October ’82, as Dunne was at home rehearsing for an upcoming TV miniseries, a jealous Sweeney kicked in the door and started, what else, strangling her. Dunne’s scene partner, actor David Packer, would’ve helped, but he had to call his acting coach to determine his motivation.

“Is this a ‘hero’s journey’ or a ‘save the cat’ moment?”

Dunne was done-in, and Sweeney was prosecuted. At the trial, Judge Burton Katz ruled Sweeney’s previous strangulations inadmissible, so the jury returned the weakest possible verdict—three and a half years for “involuntary manhandling a bitch,” and when public opinion turned against him, Katz made the dickest move in judicial history by blaming the jurors for being too lenient instead of blaming himself for withholding vital information from them.

Then—and this is not a joke—Katz reinvented himself as an actor and appeared on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Larry: “You know who I don’t like? Stranglers.”

Katz: “Stranglers?”

Larry: “Stranglers! Why would anyone strangle? There’s a hundred ways to kill someone one-handed. Guns, knives, poison. So why use both hands? It’s showboating.”

Katz: “Stranglers wanna make the rest of us look lazy.”

Larry: “Like they’re better than us or something.”

Leon: “Man, f*ck them mutherf*ckin’ stranglers.”

So now, in the Weinstein case, a judge who did allow evidence of past misdeeds has been overruled by 2024 Katzes, and Weinstein will get a new trial.

Too bad Curb just ended its run; those appellate judges would’ve been great guest stars.

PRIESTLY GARBLED
It was an idea that couldn’t possibly go wrong…except in every way imaginable.

Catholic Answers is a charitable “apologetics” org founded in 1979. Its principles include fighting against what it calls the “five non-negotiable issues”: abortion, euthanasia, embryonic stem cell research, human cloning, and gay marriage.

Odd not seeing pedophilia on that list. But hey, that human cloning thing is getting out of hand. Go to any college campus and it’s clear that some mad scientist is assembly-line churning out blue-haired white chicks with septum horseshoe rings.

That said, it’s strange that an org dedicated to “the sanctity of human life” would decide to jump washed-feet-first into AI. But last week Catholic Answers launched a “virtual online AI priest” named “Father Justin,” and it went about as well as you can guess.

To put it another way, the org would’ve been better off with Father Ted.

“Father Justin’s” programming went haywire immediately. He began telling visitors to baptize their babies in Gatorade.

He also suggested replacing Communion wafers with Chips Ahoy.

“Body of Christ: crunchy or soft-baked.”

“Justin” also began offering AI absolution for sin, a rather bizarre move for an organization that considers stem cell research unholy because it’s an abrogation of nature. The AI father also lectured visitors about the evils of masturbation, which might’ve been the only rational aspect of its programming, because all internet users who seek virtual AI experiences have a chronic masturbation problem.

Catholic Answers shut down the site after the final glitch, when Father Justin told a fellow priest to fondle the collection plate and pass around the altar boy.

No word on if the euthanization of Father Justin was approved by the Vatican.