Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Disaster-Heading, Needle-Threading, and Matzo-Breading Headlines

PALM BLEEDINGS
Remember Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends? Well, Danielle Cherakiyah Johnson was a psychic enemy. A self-described “black astrologer, psychic, and recording artist” with 100,000 followers, Johnson, aka “Ayoka,” gave tips about life, love, and how to buy her self-produced album Crystal Balls and Woodpeckers.

Last month, Johnson became convinced that the then-upcoming solar eclipse signaled the apocalypse.

“Ayoka” was not A-okay.

Shortly before the eclipse, she began madly posting on X that everyone should kill themselves to merge with the “new world of magic” that would be birthed in the blackout.

“We Can do it!!! Can do it!!!! Believe!!!!! You magic is in what you believe,” she tweeted.” Then she stabbed her boyfriend to death.

His magic is in he no longer be live.

Remember Heaven’s Gate, the cult that committed suicide to board a spaceship inside the Hale-Bopp comet? Their leader was named Applewhite. Johnson was “stabbleblack.”

After giving her man a total eclipse of the heart (via butcher knife), Johnson tried to murder her two daughters, killing one and injuring the other, before taking off in her Porsche (there’s always income in astrology) and leading police on a high-speed chase.

Dionne Warwick? More like Flee-on, Warchick.

Driving recklessly, Johnson sped down Pacific Coast Highway. Sadly, even though “Ayoka” had a third eye, she still couldn’t see that tree. She was pulverized in a bloody collision.

Dionne Warwick? More like Die-on, Gore-ick.

Pity. She totally fit the bill for a diversity hire at Cal State Berkeley.

FATS DOMINO EFFECT
It’s impossible for anything to happen in the world without the media asking, “But how does this affect blacks?”

As reported last week, there were even news stories about how the solar eclipse affects blacks. And now we know the answer…they murder people and drive into trees.

Last week the L.A. Times finally got around to asking, “How does the new generation of weight loss medications affect blacks?”

Needless to say, the answer is, “It victimizes them with racism.” According to scribe Karen Kaplan, a woman so Jewish, Palestinians lose olive groves just by looking at her (she’s a multi-winner of the prestigious Nobel Oys), blacks are being deprived of the new meds even though they need them more, being fatter.

Kaplan’s source is the book 1,000 Yo Mama Jokes.

Still, it’s easy to understand why blacks want those meds: They sound black.

Repatha? She’s on welfare down at the projects. Jardiance? He’s a rapper. Januvia? That’s Jardiance’s baby mama. Bydureon? He’s the rival rapper Jardiance shot. And Evolocumab? Jardiance’s Africa-born attorney in the murder case.

Don’t forget O’zempic; he’s having a great season with the Knicks.

While it’s true that on average black Americans are more obese, perhaps instead of buying meds, they should amend their daily diet of fast food. When you’re willing to murder people over not getting enough guacamole, sweet-and-sour, or BBQ sauce, that might indicate you have a poor relationship with food.

Plus, Ozempic has several negative side effects. There’s “Ozempic face”—a sagging and premature aging of the skin. Even worse, there’s “Ozempic muscle loss,” which causes frailty and limb weakness.

Wait…maybe it’s worth it to subsidize Ozempic for black folks. Imagine how many fast-food workers could be saved if their biggest threat was a bunch of frail, saggy-faced Whitman Mayo-lookin’ mofos who don’t even have the muscle strength to throw a punch.

A prudent investment for America!

FELONIOUS FOLLIES
Last week’s news was jam-packed with immigrant crime stories. The Miami Herald ran a feature on a bloodthirsty Venezuelan immigrant gang called Tren de Aragua (Spanish for “we no blow leaves”). The story was covered by the Herald because the rest of the media headlined a black man who tripped on a curb (“KKKoncrete: The Lynching of Black Pedestrians”).

Meanwhile, the NY Post reported that an entire Queens neighborhood has become an “open-air market for migrant crooks.”

And it was such a nice borough.

Everyone’s talking about how El Salvadoran President Bukele used the harshest means to curb crime. But last week the world was reminded that there’s another nation where “tough on crime” reaches exceptional heights.

In Japan, death row wardens arbitrarily decide when inmates croak. Same-day executions are the norm. None of that “ten years to appeal.” Remember the joke about the Asian workman who’s told by his boss, “Go bring the supplies,” so he hides in a corridor and jumps out screaming, “Supplies!!!!” Well, Jap wardens love nothing more than to “supplies” convicts with “You die today!”

And the convicts have had enough. A group of ’em petitioned the Osaka District Court to outlaw the practice, claiming it’s “cruel” to know that any morning you might die, with zero advance notice. And maybe they have a point, considering that in Japan the average death row inmate was convicted for not bowing enough.

Last week the court handed a defeat to the inmates, explaining that with Nanking off-limits, Japs gotta be cruel to someone. Besides, what are Japs known for if not efficiency? The only surprise is that the death chamber isn’t a vending machine.

Compare that to what happened a month ago in Idaho when the lethal injection execution of murderer Thomas Creech had to be called off because doctors couldn’t find a vein. Even the least functional San Francisco junkie can find a vein. But American doctors can’t.

Japanese efficiency puts us to shame.

True story: Creech is on death row for beating his cellmate to death with a sock full of batteries. And talk about cruel! The attack just kept going and going and going…

GLOCK BLOCKED
In America’s version of China’s “social credit system,” everyone gets treated equally. The only problem is, their actions aren’t equal.

Last week Kansas Attorney General Kris Kobach, backed by GOP officials in a dozen states, sent an angry letter to Bank of America for apparently “de-banking” Christian and conservative organizations, with BofA having canceled dozens of right-leaning accounts for “operating a business type we have chosen not to service.”

One such de-banked org is Timothy Two, a Christian missionary group that was dropped for “proselytizing indigenous people.” De-banked as well? Tommy Tutone, dropped because “how long are you gonna milk that damn song?”

Also last week, a “prankster” called an 81-year-old man in Clark County, Ohio, telling him that somebody was on their way to his house to kill him. The jokester then used Uber to send an unknowing driver to the old man’s home.

Hilarity ensued. If by “hilarity” you mean violent death. The panicked old man, who’s white, shot the driver, who’s black. She died, and he, being white, will likely go to prison…surely a death sentence at his age. So, two lives lost.

Uber knows the identity of the account-holder who pulled the stunt, and last week the company assured the public “that account has since been banned.”

Take that, dude who destroyed two lives!

Picture him at home right now, devastated, punished worse than if sent to prison. “Now I have to use Lyft? But I still had a 50-percent-off credit with Uber [max savings $8 per ride, offer excludes peak hours, discount applies to fare and service fee but not tolls and taxes]. Oh, why did I choose a life of crime?”

That’s what passes for punishment these days—being banned from apps and services. Only problem is, it’s being applied to the law-abiding and lawless alike.

RULES FOR RACE-ICALS
In a move so stunning and brave it made every tranny in America bow their head in awe, all major American book publishers—which these days is a whopping four—have joined forces to sue Iowa over its “law that bans books depicting or describing sex acts from school libraries or classrooms.”

Penguin Random House, HarperCollins, Macmillan, and Simon & Schuster took time out from crushing small publishers to file the suit, in the name of free speech!

No word on when these champions of free thought will chime in on the books that are banned for sale to adults, like the tranny-critical When Harry Became Sally… and Takimag scribe David Cole’s autobiography Republican Party Animal and its sequel, I’m a Bitter Old Crank and I Despise Every One of You (that’s not just the book’s title but the entirety of its text).

One book that isn’t banned is the new release Race Rules: What Your Black Friend Won’t Tell You, by black author Fatimah Gilliam, a self-described “diversity disruptor.”

Last weekend ABC devoted an entire hour to Gilliam’s book, which is a list of rules for whites to follow so that they never offend a “POC.” These rules include:

“Stop hue-jacking” (and stop Hugh Jackman while you’re at it)

“When POCs say it’s racist, believe them”

“Don’t ask about someone’s name”

“Become a racism disruptor” (wait, if “disruptor” refers to stopping something, “diversity disruptor” doesn’t mean what moronic Gilliam intended)

Left off the list was “Keep the fries hot,” but that’s only because it’s a given.

Actual hilarity ensued during Gilliam’s book tour when radio host Jesse Lee Peterson had the temerity to bring up the white elephant in the room: Gilliam’s obviously not black. Rachel Dolezal is darker. Hell, Shaun King is darker. Gilliam claims to have “black genes,” but she almost certainly means “jeans.”

Oddly, Gilliam’s Rule #2 is “race is a social construct.” Yet when called out on looking whiter than Emma Stone, she cites genetics.

Racial frauds and trannies with anal sex manuals for kids…their books get lauded and defended. All other authors are truly anally boned.