Los Angeles, California

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The Week’s Most Bah, Blah, and Erin-Go-Bragh Headlines

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE TEACHER AWAY (HOPEFULLY)
The Long Beach (California) Unified School District has paid $900,000 to a group called “Californians for Justice,” which bribes students $1,400 each to participate in “racial and social-justice warrior training programs.” The district’s previously paid the org $2,000,000.

Next time some blowhard claims, “We don’t pay our teachers enough,” remind him that the districts have the cash…just different priorities.

Amazingly, that’s not the worst SoCal school story of the week. In L.A.’s School District 1, the UTLA teachers’ union banked $650,000 on a Holocaust-denying black School Board candidate named Kahllid al-Alim, a conspiracy nut who claims “the Jews” faked Sandy Hook and all the victims were “crisis actors.”

It took ten days to tally the Super Tuesday votes (the ballot workers attended L.A. schools, so they can’t count beyond three digits), and al-Alim is headed to a runoff. Last month, the UTLA claimed it would withdraw its endorsement of Malcolm al-X Jones, but oddly they didn’t get around to it until after the election (remember, promptness is white supremacy!).

District 1 is one of L.A.’s legendary snakelike districts that connects disparate, faraway neighborhoods. It starts in the far-south ghettos that have street names like Slaughtered Whites Street and Raped Bitch Boulevard, and it winds north, past LAX, to the Westside, where it ends in the ritzy Jewish Beverly Hills-adjacent neighborhoods of Cheviot Hills and Beverlywood. In an unbelievable move, al-Alim blanketed those neighborhoods with appeals for money (each donor got a complimentary copy of Protocols of Zion, “so you Hebes can see that we knows wut you’s up to”).

Appealing for Jewish cash when you hate Jews takes balls. The last time a black man was lugging stones that big, he was being whipped by a quarry overseer.

BTW, several celebrities come from District 1 schools, including Shia LaBeouf, Nipsey Hussle, and Takimag scribe David Cole.

That district breeds trouble.

THE CURRY CHICKENS HAVE COME HOME TO POOST
Another progressive prosecution success story: Sheldon Johnson, a convicted black murderer and “free da black men” advocate who wowed Joe Rogan with tales of how “prisons be racist” (to be fair, Rogan was so stoned he thought he was talking to Shelly Johnson, the character from Twin Peaks. “Whoa, you know Laura Palmer? She’s hot!”).

Last week in Harlem, Johnson murdered a new man, carved up the body, put it in a freezer, then fled the scene in a blonde wig. He was arrested on charges of homicide and cultural appropriation.

Meanwhile, another L.A. race that took ten days to call…

You don’t see a lot of black faces in City Council District 4, but you do see a lot of black feces. For almost two years now, District 4—which encompasses hipster Silver Lake, ritzy Hollywood Hills, and restaurant row on Ventura Boulevard in the San Fernando Valley, has been terrorized by a homeless man who carries a bag of his own excrement, which he throws at anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path.

The guy’s got the aim of a major leaguer; he’s a regular Cy Dung. And he has the protection of the district’s councilwoman—India-born socialist Nithya Raman (aka the one bride who should be burned). Raman’s spent the past two years threatening business owners who try to prevent Scatchel Paige from tossing his waste. And before you judge Raman too harshly, remember that in her homeland, feces-flinging is the national pastime.

On Super Tuesday, Raman faced Ethan Weaver, a law & order openly gay white dude who knows that poop’s for packing not chucking.

But thanks to help from Hollywood Hills heavy hitters, Raman won more than 50 percent, meaning no runoff; she’s reelected.

People at the victory party were cautioned to avoid the “fudgecake.”

It’s also best to avoid Ventura Boulevard eateries, now renamed “Mammy Row” because everyone who enters exits looking like Jolson.

IN-BREAD MORONS
One more California story…

When blacks were torching American cities, AOC—aka “how terrible AI would depict a Latina”—defended the rioters, claiming they were just “stealing bread to feed their families.”

Sure, the thugs were looting Nike stores, but that’s only because blacks are such huge Charlie Chaplin fans, they take his shoe-eating scene from The Gold Rush as nutritional advice.

But last week, AOC reacted angrily when a bunch of anti-Israel Muslims and their shills hounded her as she and her ginger pansy boyfriend (“A-wreck the Red”) were leaving a cineplex, having just seen Blue Beetle for the tenth time. The gaga-Gazans asked why AOC wasn’t doing more to get “bread” to the starving akbars, who are forced to subsist on the stale unleavened crap the IDF throws at them like ninja stars (Matzo of the Flying Guillotine, coming soon from Yoram Globus).

And Governor Newsom is having his own bread issues. The bill he signed raising the minimum wage for burger flippers to $20 an hour (just enough to cover the injuries caused by black customers angry at the price increases necessitated by the raise) includes an exemption for bakeries. Why? Because Newsom’s biggest donor is Panera Bread magnate Greg Flynn.

Newsom’s angrily declared that Panera is not exempt.

Is that true? In stepped the L.A. Times, whose owner, Chinese billionaire Patrick Soon-Shiong, is a big Newsom fan because the bill does exempt restaurants that serve dog. The Times ran a piece last week stating “does the exemption cover Panera? Who knows!”

Now that’s journalism, from an outfit whose “investigative reporter” Adam Elmahrek insists that he knows for a fact that no Jewish women were raped on October 7th, because he didn’t see it on TV. So Times “journalists” sitting comfortably in L.A. can know with certainty the fate of every single Israeli woman on 10/7, but knowing the specific details of a law in their own backyard? Impossible! What do you think they are, psychic?

Newsom, AOC, Soon-Shiong, Elmahrek. Half-baked charlatans with infected yeast who aren’t even worthy of being pigeon food.

WINDOW TO THE SOUL (SISTAS)
2 a.m., Houston. Two female deputies approach a second-floor apartment, following calls from neighbors about a burglary. They find the entire front window smashed in, glass everywhere. Suspecting an intruder, the cops call out, “Sheriff’s office! Sheriff’s office! Come out.”

Through the broken window, the deputies see a black woman aiming a gun at them. They unload over thirty shots, even pausing to reload.

And here’s where it gets funny.

The apartment was occupied by two whales of ladies, Laronda Berry and Eboni Pouncy (a woman of such girth, the last thing she ever “pounced” on was an all-you-can-eat ribs buffet…and the seismic repercussions were felt in Oregon).

Turns out the two dark damocloids had a habit of forgetting their keys. And every time they did? They’d just smash out the entire front window, because that’s the only way they knew to deal with lost keys.

It was Pouncy who approached the deputies with her gun, and even though her size makes her the only Texan visible from the moon, of the thirty-plus shots fired by the female responders, every bullet missed except for five nonfatal grazes.

Almost every bullet missed a target the size of Shamu. Nice training at the Houston DEI range.

Video shows Pouncy—rap name Heavy D-fenestrate—walking (slowly, so as not to snap her ankles) down the stairs after the incident, cussing officers with variations of “oh no you dih’nt.”

Berry, who’s now suing, held a press conference complaining that the neighbors shouldn’t have called the cops because “dis da third time dat window been broken.”

Blobdingnagian gun-toting black geniuses who keep forgetting their keys even after having to repeatedly smash their way into their apartment in the middle of the night must be a joy for neighbors and landlord alike. Makes one suspect that the person who called 911 was hoping for officers with better aim.

THESE AREN’T THE DROIDS ANYONE’S LOOKING FOR
Muslim men are so hostile to women, even a Dubai droid developed sentience last week and butt-groped a female reporter.

As-salamu alaykum? “I like’um u ass.”

The notion of Third World androids is rather frightening. Muslims with computerized aim stoning gays. Mechanized Hindus browning sidewalks with supersonic speed. And think of the Chinese! Can you imagine if they begin mass-producing androids? Millions of emotionless non-dimorphic expressionless automatons that obey orders blindly and seek only to serve the hive mind.

Well, okay. Chinese androids would be redundant.

Speaking of Muslims and brainless, soulless hive-minders, at last week’s Oscars, a noisy crowd of anti-Israel street protesters blocked Hollywood’s dimmest stars from shining on the public. Motorcades carrying the “independent thinkers” and “creative geniuses” responsible for that female-led superhero film and that one and that one and that one (ad infinitum) became stuck in traffic, as if anyone in L.A. isn’t used to that.

Meanwhile, in London, Gaza protesters have turned parts of the city into “no-go” zones. What a tragedy—now you can’t be enriched by this cesspool of knife-wielding savages and immigrant detritus.

Dear Muslims: Stopping people from getting into the Oscars…stopping people from experiencing modern-day London…you’re doing them a favor, you tards.

Of course, the coke-fueled androids of Hollywood dutifully wore their “ceasefire now” bloody-hand pins. Some of the more vocal anti-Israel “stars” in attendance were Mark Ruffalo (aka “Vincent D’Onofrio but without the talent”), Ava DuVernay (“low-fat Oprah”), Jonathan Glazer, who wishes to change the name of his Oscar-winning Holocaust film to The Noble Cause That Failed, and Navajo model-actress Quannah Chasinghorse—ironically a homophone for that gropey Muslim bot: Quranah Chasingwhores.