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The Week’s Most Glowering, Empowering, and Lose-an-Houring Headlines

HEAP BAD DECISION
The Telegraph has declared Americans “in revolt” against “green energy,” thanks to the mass killing of bird species courtesy of wind farms. But a better example of environmental mismanagement occurred last week in California, a state that’s green in energy and brown in poop-filled sidewalks.

California genocided fish to please Injuns.

It should be noted that Indians lost an entire continent because a bad case of the sniffles will kill them, as will a good case of brandy. Maybe these aren’t the best strategic planners when it comes to running a state.

Takimag recently detailed the scheme to dismantle California’s largest dam/reservoir in order to “free spiritually important fish,” because local Injuns believe that the “fish spirits” were stifled by being “trapped” in the dam.

So California decided to destroy the Klamath dam/reservoir. In announcing the decision, Governor Newsom said, and dear God this is not a joke, “The river is sick, and the tribes are suffering.”

A drought-prone state demolishing a prime water source because syphilitic drunks said the river was “sick.”

And how’s that project going?

Well, the river’s now dead. As are the fish. Yes, all of them.

As reported last month in the California Globe, the botched demolition turned the river into a “chocolate cake batter” of mud, leading to a “massive salmon extinction event” via “sediment poisoning.”

Siskiyou County Supervisor Ray Haupt told the Globe, “The river is essentially dead, as is everything in it.”

NBC News, an expert on water because it’s what its staffers have on the brain, ceded that “830,000 salmon died,” while claiming that it’s a mere coincidence that this occurred after the river was turned to mud. In fact, the noble fish committed mass suicide to protest Israel’s Gaza war.

Native leaders were unavailable for comment because they caught a fatal cold being outdoors in February.

How the hell did Custer lose to these people?

A CHILD’S GARDEN OF HEARSES
Chuck Berry, Chuck Berry, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
I’m black American, you ding-a-ling, so of course I do not know.

To most black Americans, gardening is an enigma. How do things grow? How does food come out of the soil? These are mysteries mankind ain’t supposed to know, like why does the smoke detector beep, and why does McDonald’s sauce taste better when you murder someone for it instead of just asking for extra packets?

San Antonio is majority Hispanic, and the 7 percent blacks are getting fed up with all the gardening. 50-year-old Charles Martin is on a one-black-man crusade to clean up the town of beans who clean up the town. The career criminal, with four previous prison stints for assault, saw a Mexican gardener outside his apartment last week…and the dude was blowing leaves.

For Martin, the only thing that should be planted in the ground is muthas who disrespect you. So when the gardener accidentally blew a leaf that touched Martin’s car, the enraged honor student went Groundskeeper Willie Horton, shooting the Mexi ten times, turning Mr. Greenthumb into Mr. Spleen’s numb.

The gardener’s in critical condition, but don’t worry—twenty have taken his place (Mexicans are the Hydras of the Third World).

Hispanics are often ridiculed for lacking famous poets, while blacks tend to have a surfeit of wordsmiths. So in honor of the wounded weeder, here’s a Mexican spin on the classic black poem “We Wear the Mask”:

We blow theee leaves all to-and-fro,
When leaves appear, we come and blow.
We wake you up when you are sleeping,
Our pile of leaves is tall and heaping.
We smile as we clean gutters and ledges,
And Jesucristo, we trim theee hedges.
We sing our mariachi song,
But los hombres negros do us wrong.
They shoot us when they are unhappy,
So now we wear kevlar serape.
Shoot us, stab us, but we ain’t going…
…as long as white men’s leaves need blowing.

IMMIGRANTED IMMUNITY
It can be argued that Mexican illegals aren’t entirely useless. After all, they manage to annoy blacks and Jews with their early-morning cacophony (“Oy, again with the leaf blowing! Enough with the blowing! A little sleep is all I ask for”), and anything that annoys blacks and Jews can’t be all bad.

Guatemalans and Venezuelans, on the other hand, are all bad. When Mexico fortifies its southern border to keep someone out, you know that someone must be slimier than the worm in the tequila bottle.

Indeed, Guatemalans and Venezuelans are rather like the anti-gardeners—they don’t blow, they suck.

Defenders of Venezuelan illegal Jose Ibarra, who cold-bloodedly murdered U Georgia student Laken Riley, are already making excuses for him, claiming that “all” Ibarra wanted to do was rape the young nursing student as she was out for a morning jog, but because she dared to fight back, Ibarra, a 5′ 7″ pinto bean, became “overwhelmed” and “frightened,” so of course he had to kill her!

Pobrecito! As we speak, Democrats are prepping legislation to provide free antianxiety pills to illegals whose nerves get rattled by white women who don’t lie down and take it.

Maybe all those flopped female-driven Marvel superhero films could serve a purpose after all: free screenings for Third World scumbags to scare them into thinking that American women possess superhuman strength and agility.

Meanwhile in Florida, an illegal Guatemalan named Virgilio Aguilar-Mendez, who fought a cop, sending him into cardiac arrest and killing him, had all charges dropped because the DA decided that Aguilar-Mendez is functionally retarded and unable to speak any language beyond the gecko-like clicking sounds of the bare-assed tree-dwelling Indian tribe of his ancestors (why did a retarded shaved Yucatán howler monkey venture to the U.S. in the first place? Taylor Swift tickets, of course).

So it’s now legal—even in Florida—for a retarded Rainforest Man to kill a cop.

Although Governor DeSantis has expressed a desire to deport Aguilar-Mendez, he’s been thwarted by The Washington Post, which hired the illegal as its new immigration reporter. “He may not be able to communicate beyond clicks and croaks,” a Post spokesman told the AP, “but that puts him miles ahead of Taylor Lorenz regarding coherence.”

COURTING DISASTER
Speaking of DeSantis, it’s bad enough that every night he has to go to bed plugging his ears as his harridan of a wife tells him that a six-week abortion ban is still not extreme enough.

Last week, DeSantis suffered another loss after the 11th Circuit killed his flagship law banning mandatory DEI diversity brainwashing in schools and businesses: the “Stop the Wrong to Our Kids and Employees Act,” which DeSantis calls “Stop WOKE,” though it can also be read as SWOKE (“Swokes” are an alien species from the Star Wars universe…and like most aliens, they exist on welfare and fentanyl sales).

The 11th Circuit is roughly divided between Democrat and Republican appointees. It even has a Ford appointee, 94-year-old Gerald Tjoflat, who didn’t rule on the DeSantis case because he’s spent the past twenty years trying to figure out his universal remote (“I just wanna watch Law & Order…what the hell’s ‘aux’? Why do I keep seeing ‘aux’? This damn thing’s broken”).

Other 11th Circuit judges include Obama appointee Adalberto José, who made his mark with the Miranda case, in which an illegal Mexican named Rodrigo Miranda bought a high-powered leaf-blower that exploded and blew him back to Jalisco, and Biden appointee Nancy Abudu, a Ghanaian queen legendary for winning two landmark cases before ascending to the bench: Dread Scott (LaQuandary Scott’s dreadlock weave got knocked into a deep fryer during a brawl at Wendy’s) and Hashbrown v. Board of Education (the Detroit Board of Education’s McDonald’s hash browns were cold, but the manager wouldn’t offer a refund so they shot him).

And now, thanks to these great legal minds, DeSantis can no longer prevent schools and businesses from tormenting whites.

He can, if he wishes, appeal to SCOTUS, but his wife is far more interested in promoting her own SWOKE Act: Stop Women from Offhandedly Killing Embryos. She’s convinced Ron that it’s his ticket to the White House in 2040.

THE HOUND OF THE MOSQUERVILLES
It’s a Muslim mystery worthy of Lieutenant Kalalumbo. The New York Times was about to run an exposé of sexual assaults committed by Hamas during the October 7 terror attacks in Israel, when somebody at the Times anonymously leaked interoffice memos, trying to discredit the story.

Times editors demanded an investigation! Somebody within the organization purposely tried to spike a story that made Muslim rapists look bad.

But who?

The editors questioned several employees who were known defenders of Hamas.

Ali Maqbeel, the emaciated, ditzy office attorney. But she swore on a plate of koran on the cob that it wasn’t her.

Film critic Hajir Eibert. He can never review a movie without adding “all the kikes who made this should die.” Was it him?

Or office “class clown” Fatwa Arbuckle. That guy’s always been bad with the ladies.

Also interviewed: office babes Ummah Thurman and Sunni Previn, country music reporter Keith Turban, and in-house black music expert Ramadan Cornelius.

All kidding aside, Times editors did specifically grill Muslim staffers to find the leaker. In other words, they racially profiled. This newspaper that tells whites on a daily basis “never profile!” happily profiled for its own benefit.

NewsGuild President Susan DeCarava formally protested the Times for applying logic to an investigation. “Logic has no place in the news business,” she told the AP. “Just fire a white guy, any white guy, and move on.”